To be annoyed my DH invited his friend around at 11pm?

[Namechangeagainnn]

Me and DH both keep telling each other how exhausted we are. I keep falling asleep in the day (at work even…) and am going through medical assessment at the moment. DH is exhausted too, falling asleep when our 3yo naps (which I dont begrudge him at all!!).

yesterday we took dc to his grandmas for the afternoon and ended up staying until 730ish. By the time we got home it was 9pm. Got dc ready for bed, and told each other how tired we were. It’s DHs sisters birthday tomorrow so I had to nip out to the supermarket to get a card and a bottle of wine for her. Got back around 945, and was told by DH that his friend was “popping by” for an hour.

It annoyed me massively. Firstly because we only have a few hours as a “couple” in the evening, also because we’re both exhausted and also because I wasn’t asked I was told. I did say I’m really tired is it ok if he comes tomorrow? He said no he’s on his way he’ll be 30 minutes. He arrived 5 minutes later.

I chatted nicely because I’m not going to be rude to him, and DH was being overly nice, whenever I went in the kitchen he followed and said “shall we watch a new series tonight” or being over complimentary to me in front of his friend which he never usually is.

He needed to cook his dinner when his friend left so didn’t get to bed until midnight.

aibu to think I should have been asked? Late night visits seems really intrusive, I have zero problem with his friends coming over in the day, him going out with his friends… he goes out with his friends a lot which is completely fine to me.

YABU - it’s his house too he can do what he wants

YANBU - he should have asked you before he asked his friend over

That says more about you than it says about @Namechangeagainnn tbh.

Why does the OP need divulge her health issues to be believed? Isn’t saying ‘I’m exhausted. I’m falling asleep during the day’ enough for you that you need proof with a full medical history etc?

Definitely if just leave him. What is she actually getting out of the relationship? He's verbally abusive, totally inconsiderate and teaching their child that that is ok and she's teaching their child that you just have to put up with that behaviour from your partner.

Here's your real problem OP, you have changed since having a DC and he is still the same as he always was.

He laughs at you because he can.

I don't think it's unreasonable to at least be consulted on someone visiting, just courtesy really.

In reality it doesn't matter either way. If he isn't prepared to change and support you and your DC and you feel he's not a responsible partner and dad, it's only going to get worse as time goes on.

You need to talk to him about how you feel, if he isn't prepared to compromise at least, you need to ask what in it for you.

May I ask how you got a neurologist for your exhaustion? And I'm being g genuine to because I need one I'm over exhausted 5 kids 3 out of 5 have adhd n autism and don't sleep safe to say I literally cry when I wake up lol thanks

DD has CFS and was referred to neurology. She saw one once but I think subsequent appointments didn't happen due to lockdowns.

This ☝️☝️☝️. If it's occasional it's not an issue. And just go to bed yourself...if he wants to be extra knackered to fit his friendships in...thats his shout 🤷. I book stuff in without asking ...I run it by him at some point re: a childcare point of view. He does the same. It's a bit trivial if I'm honest OP. Think it's a by product of being knackered.

I didn't vote as I didn't like the tone of the it's his house...he can do as he wants. But I do think he can have his friends over without 'getting permission' as long as it's not frequent on a school night unless your both happy with it 👌👌

Have you had carbon monoxide levels and other chemicals in your house checked? Odd that youre both so tired so early frequently

That is a very good point.

OP, I think I am with the majority.

Answering the original AIBU - it's his house and whilst it would have been nice if he had asked, you can't forbid him to have friends over late in the evening. But you don't have to stay up, it would have been perfectly ok for you to go to bed.

But as for the rest - your partner is a lazy weed-head who is facilitating regular weed smoking in the house where your child lives, and can't be arsed to buy his own family's birthday presents.

There is a lot unreasonable about all of this, but not necessarily what you originally posted.

Edited to say the reason he cooked at midnight was possibly he had the munchies after smoking the weed.

Bitter, much?

Me too

YABU - it’s his house too he can do what he wants
YANBU - he should have asked you before he asked his friend over

I would have voted YABU simply on basis that on your OP you make zero mention of this being anything aside from a one off; no mention of weed; no mention of under a neurologist care

But given the layer inclusion that
Very regular occurrence
Smoking weed in family home
Under neurologist care

it slightly alters my view
But perhaps that was intentional

Me three

OP dodged answering that

Stop being a doormat!

His sister, his issue.

Also its not rude to go to bed in the scenario you described

You really are making a rod for your own back here.

YANBU OP.
Ignore the tedious posters nitpicking about ‘drip feeds’, you said right at the start you were being medically assessed for your exhaustion, so I guess they’ve got poor comprehension skills as well as empathy bypasses.

definitely not BU to be annoyed at a late visitor on a weeknight even without that! I can’t imagine DH being so inconsiderate, but then he’s a responsible adult not an immature weed smoker.

Who's mother did you end up overstaying at?

I answered it. It would have been perceived as rude.

It really wouldn't. If he was only there to smoke weed I doubt whether either of them would have noticed if you were there or not.

I'll repeat - It really isn't rude.

There.

So when you sat with them..,, you were bright, engaged, conversing, offering a drink when you got up to get yourself one?

You have an unhealthy relationship and unhealthy lifestyles. If you marry a feckless stoner who expects you to do wifework like buying his family’s presents then that’s what you get. He’s unlikely to change. You need to decide if that’s the way you want to keep living.

You’re wrong sorry.

Would it really matter if it looked rude, given that he only came to smoke weed?

You need to put yourself first and if it means being rude then so be it.

@Namechangeagainnn think your relationship needs more input from dp without the need for smoking weed! especially if you have kids in the house. why does he feel the need to smoke weed at all??

I’m guessing you (very reasonably) sat on the sofa in silence with a pretty fiercely grumpy expression on your face.

How was that less rude than excusing yourself, saying good night and trotting off to bed?!

Why are you letting your husband & his freind smoke drugs while you have a 3 year old in the house ???? If I knew you I would report this to social services as I'm a mandated reporter. I would be far more upset about what they are doing around your child rather than the fact it was late ..