To be annoyed my DH invited his friend around at 11pm?

[Namechangeagainnn]

Me and DH both keep telling each other how exhausted we are. I keep falling asleep in the day (at work even…) and am going through medical assessment at the moment. DH is exhausted too, falling asleep when our 3yo naps (which I dont begrudge him at all!!).

yesterday we took dc to his grandmas for the afternoon and ended up staying until 730ish. By the time we got home it was 9pm. Got dc ready for bed, and told each other how tired we were. It’s DHs sisters birthday tomorrow so I had to nip out to the supermarket to get a card and a bottle of wine for her. Got back around 945, and was told by DH that his friend was “popping by” for an hour.

It annoyed me massively. Firstly because we only have a few hours as a “couple” in the evening, also because we’re both exhausted and also because I wasn’t asked I was told. I did say I’m really tired is it ok if he comes tomorrow? He said no he’s on his way he’ll be 30 minutes. He arrived 5 minutes later.

I chatted nicely because I’m not going to be rude to him, and DH was being overly nice, whenever I went in the kitchen he followed and said “shall we watch a new series tonight” or being over complimentary to me in front of his friend which he never usually is.

He needed to cook his dinner when his friend left so didn’t get to bed until midnight.

aibu to think I should have been asked? Late night visits seems really intrusive, I have zero problem with his friends coming over in the day, him going out with his friends… he goes out with his friends a lot which is completely fine to me.

YABU - it’s his house too he can do what he wants

YANBU - he should have asked you before he asked his friend over

Will do. Thanks for your input.

But if your DH wasn’t too tired to have a friend over and cook dinner, he wasn’t too tired to go to the shop was he?! You’re being a mug, sorry.

Hard disagree.

Why do you find it okay for him to sort out his weed but not his sister’s present. More fool you.

You are welcome. And for your own sake, please raise your standards.

How do you know OP is not doing anything about her exhaustion? Don’t make ridiculous accusations

I’m with you OP, no idea why friend has to come over late at night if he is also coming over the following morning. For me all the things you mention would make for a completely incompatible living partner.

I don’t want people coming over to smoke weed at my house. I don’t want surprise house guests at 9pm. I don’t want cooking in my kitchen at 11:30pm. I don’t want to be expected to stay up to entertain guests when I am tired. I won’t accommodate my partner and buy his family’s gifts for him when he cannot be bothered. I set my stall out early and luckily live with someone who feels the same.

Was your DP always like this?

You need to raise the bar. No way could I be with some stoner who I have to run after like a child because he can’t go to the shop for a birthday present for his own sister but can organise his mate to come over and smoke weed…..with a child in the house. Also, if you maybe went to bed earlier you wouldn’t be so tired, exhausted would mean you were asleep by 7, you are just tired after running around after your man child

Nope I wouldn’t want a friend over at 11pm. I wouldn’t be able to settle until they’d gone, no matter how tired because talking/voices would keep me awake, and I’d be waiting for them to leave so I could ‘settle’ for the night.

This is a very good point. If my life partner was doing all the above it would mean we couldn’t live together. I couldn’t cope with that schedule. Especially with a child on the scene. But I wouldn’t have got that far living with them, because as soon as I noticed they were lazy, stoner etc, the relationship would have ended much earlier. Unless he’s totally changed recently.

He’s exhausted but “goes out with his friends a lot”? You took DC (one apparently, so hardly a handful of under fives) to DGPs “for the afternoon” but left at 7.30. It all sounds bonkers to me. Disorganised, everything unpredictable and like an amateur attempt at adult life.

I have a 3 year old too and none of these timings resonate with me. I wouldn’t nip to the supermarket at gone 9pm for 45 minutes. I wouldn’t start dinner at gone 10pm. Friends don’t pop round at 11pm for a joint. We don’t start a new series at 11pm.

So between 10pm and midnight, you cooked dinner, entertained a friend and started watching a new series? No wonder you’re knackered.

I would have got back from Grannies at 6pm, baby in bed by 6.30pm, cook dinner for 7.15pm, crash on the sofa for telly and snacks by 7.45pm. Go to bed at 11ish.

I would nip to Co-op or Tesco Expeess in the morning for wine and a card. I wouldn’t take 45mins late on a Saturday night.

So yeah it’s weird your DH had a mate round, but the rest of your timings seem way off which is why you’re both knackered.

I thought exactly the same.

And left at 7.30pm without having eaten dinner. Apparently necessitating cooking after midnight, instead of eating something quick earlier. Such a shambles.

He needed to cook his dinner when his friend left so didn’t get to bed until midnight.

Why?

Why couldn't he eat earlier in the evening?
If it was so late why didn't he just make a sandwich?

He sounds selfish and thoughtless.

The thing is, if you constantly stay up too late, yet have to get up in the morning for work and children, of course you’re going to feel extremely tired and fall asleep in the afternoon. Anybody would. That’s not a mystery to be solved, it’s a simple and predictable consequence of your choices and actions.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to relax with his friend in his own home, but I also think it's perfectly reasonable for you to go to bed at that time of night if you want to.

I couldn’t vote.

No way I’d have stayed up for the friend if I had been tired. I’d have gone to bed and left them to it.

And YY about not going out to buy HIS sister’s present and card.
And why the heck did you both need to cook at 11.00pm??

Im saying that as someone who is chronically ill.
If you’re tired, go to bed.
Let your dh get on about his life, whatever he wants. If he is tired the next day, ignore or remind him that going to bed earlier helps. It was his choice.
You BOTH need to start acting as if you’re actually exhausted rather than making a show of being tired whilst still doing too much.

That’s his problem though.

Because they are a couple. I’m sure at times he would pop out to buy something for her family

What? It’s your thread - surely you WANT people to read your responses 😂😂

You’re wrong. The op said if she didn’t sort it then there would be no gift. But of course he can sort out his weed drop. Useless comes to mind.

What a chaotic household for your child. Her dad smoking weed not to mention annoying the neighbours at midnight on a regular basis.

No it bloody isn’t. I never deal with my husband’s side for gifts 😂

It’s. “Mug thing”. Grow a backbone.

So too tired to go to the shop but not tired enough to stay up until midnight? Cook a meal late in the evening etc…?

He is taking you for a a ride.
And you’re letting him. Not just that, you’re going along with it, even though you should be resting and changing your daily routine to adjust to your health atm.

Stop putting him first!
Put yourself and your health first. Start saying NO when it doesn’t work for you. If it’s ok fir him to have friends around even when it doesn’t work fur you, then it’s ok fir you to organise YOUR life around YOUR energy levels and
your health.