To be annoyed my DH invited his friend around at 11pm?

[Namechangeagainnn]

Me and DH both keep telling each other how exhausted we are. I keep falling asleep in the day (at work even…) and am going through medical assessment at the moment. DH is exhausted too, falling asleep when our 3yo naps (which I dont begrudge him at all!!).

yesterday we took dc to his grandmas for the afternoon and ended up staying until 730ish. By the time we got home it was 9pm. Got dc ready for bed, and told each other how tired we were. It’s DHs sisters birthday tomorrow so I had to nip out to the supermarket to get a card and a bottle of wine for her. Got back around 945, and was told by DH that his friend was “popping by” for an hour.

It annoyed me massively. Firstly because we only have a few hours as a “couple” in the evening, also because we’re both exhausted and also because I wasn’t asked I was told. I did say I’m really tired is it ok if he comes tomorrow? He said no he’s on his way he’ll be 30 minutes. He arrived 5 minutes later.

I chatted nicely because I’m not going to be rude to him, and DH was being overly nice, whenever I went in the kitchen he followed and said “shall we watch a new series tonight” or being over complimentary to me in front of his friend which he never usually is.

He needed to cook his dinner when his friend left so didn’t get to bed until midnight.

aibu to think I should have been asked? Late night visits seems really intrusive, I have zero problem with his friends coming over in the day, him going out with his friends… he goes out with his friends a lot which is completely fine to me.

YABU - it’s his house too he can do what he wants

YANBU - he should have asked you before he asked his friend over

Here’s what I’d do if I was exhausted…

go to bed once dc in bed.

heres what I wouldn’t do;
go and buy a birthday present for someone else’s family
sit and talk to someone I hadn’t invited who was just probably waiting for you to go to bed so that they could go and smoke weed
cook food at midnight

neither of you are exhausted.

You don't need a neurologist to tell you what's wrong. Just sleep normal hours.

And your husband can get his friend over if he wants as long as they're quiet. You just go to bed.

You need to build in more boundaries! Don’t go shopping for his family presents, go to bed if you’re tired.

I didn’t cook a meal. he cooked a meal because he didn’t want what my mum cooked us.

I didn’t watch a series. he suggested that when he knew I was irked that his friend had come over so late.

all I was asking is isn’t it respectful to ASK me before inviting a friend round late at night? I don’t invite people round without asking him and not late in the evening. That was aibu not whether I can organise my life properly

oh ffs. Obviously there’s a medical need for me to be under a neurologist. They don’t just see someone for no reason. Grow up.

exactly this

Lucky you

Popping out to the supermarket at 9pm is "off"? I personally hate leaving things until the last moment so would much rather do that than wait until the morning. And, of course, if OP is in Scotland it may not be possible - a lot of shops near me still stick to the old licensing laws, which means no alcohol sales before 12.30pm on a Sunday!

REALLY? Is be happy with a bottle of wine.

Looks like he also just informed you that his sister was coming the next day instead of it being a discussion, so seems like that’s how your relationship works. So not sure why you’re surprised at the friend being invited round without it being discussed either. Then you’re popping to the shop for his sisters present cos he’s too tired, yet that doesn’t seem to bother you. Then we find out him and his friend often smoke weed in the garden, and this is also perfectly ok for you.

I’m really confused why you’re bothered by this one particular event, when there seems to be other areas I’d focus my concerns on here.

Yes you’re right it’s part of a bigger issue.

I am not ok with the weed smoking at all. I hate it. But I’ve been called controlling, psycho, uptight etc when I have said don’t do it. DH laughs at me because I tell him he needs to shower/change clothes before interacting with me and dc after he smokes. He smokes it regardless, and he always has. I just thought he’d be more responsible when he had a child.

Of course he should ask.
And of course he should also appreciate you’re ill and exhausted.

I think no one really answered that specific question because it’s oretty obvious. You dint invite people that late wo being sure your DP is ok with it.

But what I, and most people have noticed, is that him not asking is just the tip of the iceberg. And with you being unwell you really need to address that.

BTW, he knew very well you weren’t happy about the friend being there. He tried to smooth over things by proposing the series or being extra nice. But what’s important is what he didn’t do. Telling the friend it was late and cutting their meet up short. That’s the other important part…. Because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have carried in and placate him if it had been the other way around.

This is not a good environment for your child. You want them to grow up thinking dads are lazy stoners and mums are lackies? Of course he shouldn’t be having guests around to smoke weed in the house (garden) with a small child around. What time does your child wake up? Is he ever up when they wake?! I very much doubt it if he’s up til midnight smoking weed either a friend?

What are you going to do about it though?

It’s not controlling to expect him not to smoke weed when you have a young child! He doesn’t sound like a good partner or father.

I don’t think it’s OP who’s the arse here.

I wouldn’t care what time the mate came over but he wouldn’t be smoking that muck in my house

And your medical qualifications are………………?

Yabu.

It is his home too, he can invite a friend over, sounds like he was trying to appease the situation by giving you compliments.

Why didn't you go to bed before he arrived.

The laziness and weed smoking is a separate issue.

'Wife work', innit?

So he's always smoked weed, yet you married and had a child with him and now its a problem?

Regarding the friend coming over, like everyone else, I'd have just gone to bed. And have done.

Children don't suddenly turn you into a drug free, teetotal person, far from it, it is much harder to give up addictions when stress levels are raised by having DC.

Yep, he deffo should have asked. Inarguable. He sounds like a bit of a dick overall though.

Be careful how you let people treat you, you're teaching them what you will tolerate.

Weed smokers are in a different dimension really. They're losers and they don't change.

I'd have just gone to bed and left them to it.

No he cooked a meal at midnight because he was stoned, had the munchies and wants to live like a student.

But there’s a little girl there asleep in her bed who should be the priority. I’d tell him to shape up or leave