To be annoyed my DH invited his friend around at 11pm?

[Namechangeagainnn]

Me and DH both keep telling each other how exhausted we are. I keep falling asleep in the day (at work even…) and am going through medical assessment at the moment. DH is exhausted too, falling asleep when our 3yo naps (which I dont begrudge him at all!!).

yesterday we took dc to his grandmas for the afternoon and ended up staying until 730ish. By the time we got home it was 9pm. Got dc ready for bed, and told each other how tired we were. It’s DHs sisters birthday tomorrow so I had to nip out to the supermarket to get a card and a bottle of wine for her. Got back around 945, and was told by DH that his friend was “popping by” for an hour.

It annoyed me massively. Firstly because we only have a few hours as a “couple” in the evening, also because we’re both exhausted and also because I wasn’t asked I was told. I did say I’m really tired is it ok if he comes tomorrow? He said no he’s on his way he’ll be 30 minutes. He arrived 5 minutes later.

I chatted nicely because I’m not going to be rude to him, and DH was being overly nice, whenever I went in the kitchen he followed and said “shall we watch a new series tonight” or being over complimentary to me in front of his friend which he never usually is.

He needed to cook his dinner when his friend left so didn’t get to bed until midnight.

aibu to think I should have been asked? Late night visits seems really intrusive, I have zero problem with his friends coming over in the day, him going out with his friends… he goes out with his friends a lot which is completely fine to me.

YABU - it’s his house too he can do what he wants

YANBU - he should have asked you before he asked his friend over

Yup

Another drip

The Op is under the care of a neurologist for her extreme and debilitating tiredness? 😆

Uh…oh.

So it’s gone from AIBU to be peeved my partner didn’t ask for a friend to come over to….

this happens lots
he’s a regular weed smoker
he’s verbally abusive to the OP
shes under the care of a neurologist and extreme tiredness is one of the causes of concern

drip drip drip

Exhaustion aside, I would be pretty annoyed if DP invited someone over to our house at 11pm. I suppose it’s because I would already have my brain on winding down mode and I would find it hard - and deeply aggravating - to have to switch to ‘interacting with guest’ mode. I would probably just have buggered off and not bothered with any pleasantries beyond ‘hello, I’m just off to bed.’ I don’t mind so much if a guest is already there and stays late. Sometimes DP’s friend or brother doesn’t leave until stupid o’clock in the morning, but I don’t care as long I’m not expected to join in the conversation - which I’m not. Football, hi-fi and Donald Trump? Nah, I’ll pass😅

The day I have to ask permission to have a friend pop over to my house will be a cold day in hell.

It's DH's house too. He doesn't need to ask about having a friend over unless the friend impinges on you.
And, on the basis it sounds like they go and smoke weed at the bottom of the garden, this does not impinge on you.

It impinged on you because you were more focussed on pleasing others than protecting your own health. It's not the end of the world if DH's sister doesn't get a card or a bottle of wine - particularly if DH is not bothered (he knows his family dynamics better than you). So tell DH that if he wants his sister to get anything, then he and his friend need to find a late night shop. You do not need to stay up for DH's friend. You say hello and go to bed. It's only your own desire to "please" that is making you stay up.

It doesn’t matter that more information comes out. It really doesn’t mean that the later information is an unlawful drip feed. Its pretty common for people to post on one topic but only later come to understand that the deeper problem is something else.

This is pretty classic. OP is, in fact, married to a limp, inattentive, stoner. He goes along to get along most of the time but is lazy, addicted, self involved and he argues with her when she asks him to be normally attentive. So he accuses her of being mean and controlling and says he didn’t need to ask her to have friend over late at night, and he didn’t need to get his sister a gift, and he doesn’t need to stop smoking weed. And her head is so spun she came here just to ask about the basic courtesy point (should he have asked first?)

Yes he should have asked first but he is an arse.

You are arguing about the curtains while the house is on fire.

Reread this and see what you think of it. Is that how you want to live? Is this how you want your children to grow up? You know they will smell of weed. You know they are absorbing that smell right through their childhood and the chance of them smoking it later is incredibly high. The father shows their mother no respect. Don't you think they notice that and learn from it?

I don’t know why you’re getting stick for this. I
absolutely exhausted but have to go out after baby goes to bed to do things I haven’t got done in the day, he was totally unreasonable and not thinking of you at all

She’s not doing it for herself, she’s doing it for her lazy partner! She needs to up her boundaries.

Even if they are arriving at 11pm at night? Whether or not you’re a night owl, it’s not really normal is it.

It’s not permission as such, it’s just pretty much basic human courtesy if you live with someone (partner, parent, hell even flatmate) to say “hey I’ve got a guest coming outside of normal times, that ok?”

It’s pretty normal for people to be asleep at that time (plus they have a kid in the house) so it’s just called being a considerate human.

I’d have just gone to bed. If it happens a lot then you need to speak to your DH. And he could have sorted his sister’s present himself

So should I just not include relevant information when people are telling me im not exhausted? Just not reply? Then posters get accused of not coming back. If they do reply, they’re drip feeding. Can’t really win can they. I had someone said I could possibly be exhausted, I was showing that I do have a medical condition under review, why’s that a drip?

if people didn’t pick apart the “I’m exhausted” part of the post there’d be no need for a drip feed.

@Namechangeagainnn I get what you are saying. Id be cross too. Your dh sounds annoying - it totally should be him putting the effort in for a gift for his sister.

I also wouldnt want anyone visiting after 9pm. Not unless it was some desperate reason. 11pm would be totally not ok with me. Ditto the weed smoking.
Sadly you've got people on your thread being annoying and nitpicky. Alas that seems to be standard on MN nowadays. Probably best to ignore them.

The point is OP if you’re exhausted and under the care of a neurologist then you’re surely off to bed at 9:45, so it makes no difference to you whether he has a friend round. He wasn’t asking you to host, by the sounds of your later posts he wasn’t even going to be in the house he’d be at the bottom of the garden sucking on a joint, so I don’t understand the problem you have with the friend coming at this time?

You’re as exhausted as you say you are- you’re off to bed, why does it matter whether he stays up?

@Namechangeagainnn please ignore the posters questioning your health issue.

And you aren't being controlling about his weed habit. His response is typical weed user's response.

If you’re exhausted don’t go get birthday present shopping on demand!

Tell your partner NO!!

Quite the drip feed there...

I'm not too anti-dope but think you need to keep it well away from kids. As in not giving any indication its remotely acceptable. No where near family home. Its generally not a good thing if your dp sits around smoking weed.

It’s DHs sisters birthday tomorrow so I had to nip out to the supermarket to get a card and a bottle of wine for her.

Why were you the one who had to go? It's his sister and her birthday is on the same day every year. Why was this on you, especially when you were already so tired?

Edit: I see you have already answered this. But even though he would have not bought her a gift, I think you'd better drop the rope here.

This!

I also think that her husband causing OP so much work contributes heavily to the exhaustion. This relationship is a train wreck and the husband is dead weight to OP's life.

It all sounds a bit…. Shit
for the op, the partner and, most sadly of all, the poor child growing up in home.

Except that’s not how it works….

Instead, most people push themselves way beyond their limits to still do all the things they ‘normally’ do. Because their tiredness isn’t a one off, have a good few days of rest and it goes. It’s there all the time. Affecting everything.
And yet we still have this ongoing discourse that it couldn't be that bad (esp before diagnosis) and if people were actually pulling themselves by the boot strap, theyd do it! So people carry on (or try to)

So yes I fully agree. If @Namechangeagainnn is tired and exhausted, she should stop doing so much. She is doing herself a disservice by still doing stuff that are detrimental to her health. But if there is one thing I’ve learnt from being that exhausted, it’s that it’s something extremely hard to do. You end up feeling like a failure and a burden, feelings that won’t be helped by her dh behaving the way he does.

The other side of the coin is that most people don’t believe you when you say you’re exhausted until you actually stop pushing yourself. It’s like ‘well if you can’t still do xyz, even if feeling awful, exhausted etc etc, then you can’t be that bad’. Whixh tbh is not far from what you’re saying too.

My partners died not and will not dictate to me that his family needs a present and I will not obey his demands.

It’s that simple, the answer is No!

Its that simple.

He dues not make the rules, nor does he give the orders.

And actually even not exhausted, it’s still his responsibility.

Maybe she’s that exhausted because of his demands?

No, that's not on.
His family, his responsibility.
I'd have refused and let him sort it.

If he was too tired to go to the shop then he'd have been too tired to have friends over.