Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Hard agree with @Plantladyloveri honestly cringe when I hear foul language and think minks 🤣 it’s really tough, sorry but especially women speaking that way!

Sounds like your daughter said what she did because she’s sick of hearing your friend whinge and moan. She was complaining about food that you have served and it probably pissed her off.

If she can’t handle being told straight, she shouldn’t be bitching and moaning.

Foul language 🤣 I cringe when people get all offended and upset at simple words such as fuck and twat 🥴

Your daughter sounds quite rude but she was only 23 and maybe underlying the joke, she was actually pissed off with your friend.

Your friend sounds like she has issues to be holding a grudge and if you don't like her much anyway then it's probably the end of the friendship.

I would say these are 2 separate issues.

1. is your friend not being a good friend and not being around.
2. is your daughter being rude (I’m afraid I do think it’s a bit rude and hate the word “banter” - I think it’s just a word used for when people want to be rude but pass it off as a joke)

you of course don’t think your daughter was being rude but clearly your friend was hurt by it. Not sure your friend needs to say stuff like “what’s your daughter doing here.”

to be honest, think you need a long chat with your friend. But I would personally separate the “her being a bad friend” and the incident with your daughter. But yeah, I wouldn’t say that to anyone and definitely not a friend of my parents

Your daughter sounds like she’s got the measure of her.

That certainly wasn’t banter. I think you need a word with your daughter as that comment was rude and uncalled for. I’d be embarrassed if she was my daughter

I’m with your daughter on this.

How disrespectful she was! She was a guest, and complained about the poor amount of food?? I might have said “go and buy some more if you’re still hungry”. Did she bring any with her, seeing as how she’s the “best friend”? I bet she didn’t. People like her need bluntness I’m afraid.

I don’t understand being conflicted as surely you’re allegiances would always lie with your daughter.

it wasn’t funny banter from your daughter but maybe that’s her humour at the time! I’m really surprised though that if a 24 year old knew she had offended her mothers best friend with banter that wasn’t well recorded that she wouldn’t immediately offer to apologise!? If she hadn’t apologised in 2 years then I think that’s poor

Im team daughter. I’d find it funny, if 4 other people all also thought it was funny then you have your answer. I’d be sticking up for daughter over your friend any day of the week. She sounds like a twat. Just wondering how much she ate at the bbq…

And did she actually bring anything to the barbeque?

What do you mean, "think minks"? 😕

Yes also this! I hope she didn’t get prodding the sausages

Your daughter is rude, your friend is a nightmare.

Bin the friend and have a very strong word with your daughter about manners.

Your daughter was out of order. But if she’s got an issue, your loyalty lies with your daughter.

QUESTION- If your child (ie adult daughter as is the case in this scenario) smacked one of your friends in the face…would you loyalty still lie with your child and you side with them, or with your friend??

That was a very rude "joke".

The other stuff... it's sounds like you don't like her? I can't see what she's done wrong

@Xmasxrackers

yes, if she ate more than a sausage she should be made to pay.

Its not banter. Its staight up nasty,”banter “ is used too much for bullying and nastiness
however this person is not your friend why have you put up with her so long?

Doesn't sound like a joke, and even if that's how your daughter meant it, I dont think it would be unreasonable to be upset by someone saying that to you. Then she tried to address it with you and you brushed her off. So shes bringing it up because its not resolved. You and your daughter both owe her an apology.

It might have been a joke but I can see how your friend may have been offended & even felt humiliated. It also neither witty nor endearing. I would not accept my daughter talking to my friends like that unless they had that type of relationship. However, your friend sounds like she may be a little autistic. Not taking social queues & being quite literal in her language & how she expresses herself & lacking friends.

a joke however is only funny if the recipient of it finds it funny. Upon hearing she offended your friend there should have been an apology offered. On the same note your mate needs to respect your relationship with your daughter & you’re well within your rights to tell her you don’t appreciate her opinion & your daughter comes first always. I would also tell her you find this grudge boring & you’re starting to get fed up hearing about it

Why are you friends with her because you haven't said anything about why, or why you're conflicted.

Your daughter was rude.

I think your friend is hugely over reacting but also this sort of comment from your daughter would not go down well with my family.
Its interesting as my partners family are all about “banter” and they swear at each other for fun (I’ll never forget the first family event of theirs I went to and my partners auntie told her 16 year old grand daughter she shouldn’t be drinking a gin, and the granddaughter replied by saying “fuck off you slag, I’m enjoying it” and everyone laughed. I died a little!). Whereas in my family no one would EVER speak to anyone else like that. And if someone in my family, at a family bbq, said to any guest “why don’t you fuck off home then” omg I dread to think what would happen! My grandma would probably collapse and everyone else would just…I don’t even know! Because we just dont speak to each other like that! So I guess depends on dynamics etc. Not that I agree with your daughter (as I would just never speak to anyone like that at a family event), but your mate was pretty rude making those comments about the meat anyway!

Erm, hardly comparable

I
do you think she is a hostage-taker If you feel uncomfortable you should take action to rebalance the relationship dynamics maybe pull away for a while if you want to change things you will have space to reassess what’s important for you