Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

That was a very uncomfortable comment from your dd to your friend and if I'd have been her, I would've made an excuse and left. It's not banter, it's hurtful. Probably best not to continue with this friendship.

pottymouth?!? Oh dear. You lead a very sheltered linguistic existence :D
A well aimed Fuck has its time & place. This was clearly one of them.

illustrated here :D

Pottymouths (fucking) unite!!
cockbunting threads 4eva 😜😜😜

Pottymouth? You really need to do some research before popping up to dismiss other people’s use of language. Swearing tends to be used by those with a higher IQ than others.

And OP's not been back

So Rage bait - once again.
It worked.

I wonder if your daughter is picking up on vibes from your friend
Sometimes true words are said in jest
Your friend sounds like she has alienated all her friends and is wanting you all to herself and sees your daughter as competition to get rid of
Be careful this friend doesn't manipulate you in to loosing your daughter and other friends

I know if my child said that to my best friend she would fire back with a banter comment but I have another friend who would probably really hold on to it so I would ask my child to apologise just to keep the peace and then after that all the other comments your friend has made I would side with my child x

Cried all weekend is a bit weak.

However if my DC said that in company / to a friend I’d be mortified, that wasn’t just unkind but uncalled for and crass. I wouldn’t bother with this friendship / visit again in a hurry.

sounds like you’re both different now for a good friendship.

The amount of people on this concentrating on the 'banter' and not the criticism leading up to that is unreal. Your friend was rude about your event, your daughter put her in her place because she was feeling defensive of you. Your friend sounds horrible. Kudos to your daughter for being able to stand up to someone for her mum in the middle of an event without a second thought. Ditch the friend.

Maybe it’s down to different friend groups/families but I wouldn’t find this rude and is something that would be said as a joke amongst my family/friends. I do think you can tell if there’s an undertone to something when it’s not really a joke though. Without being there, who knows if this was the case.
Friend sounds a bit immature though and needs to get over it in my opinion. I’d be annoyed if someone said ‘why is she even here?’ About my kids.

Your daughter behaved so inappropriately it made me cringe. If my daughter said anything amongst those lines to ANY person I’d made her apologise. What an Utter lack of class and boundaries. On the other hand, if your ‘friend’ is such unreliable and poor friend- why are you still in touch with her.

How do you feel when jokes are dressed up as horrible comments?

Conflicted in loyalty?? Between daughter and friend?? I’m sorry, my
children come first. Your friend sounds horrible and narcissistic, drop her…life’s too short to be dragged into her dramas! What my kids do, whether they choose to live with me or on top of my head is nothing to do with her. Your daughter isn’t wrong, she can definitely fuck off after the hotdog!

Your daughter is horrible, you are horrible, the friend sounds horrible. I don’t think anyone comes out of this sounding good.

I would be absolutely horrified if my daughter or anyone else said that to a guest. Rude, not funny

She isn't your friend. Though you seem to be getting a kick out of someone calling you their "bestie". They clearly aren't.
Unclear why on earth this person is in your life - they seem like fair weather friend at best.

As for your daughter: She shouldn't be telling anyone to "fuck off" - that's incredibly rude, whether said as a joke or otherwise. And joking like that with people you don't know isn't a very good idea. In this case it's daft for the "friend" in question to be having a snit fit about it years later, but that's par for the course with narcissists who want ALL the attention from their "bestie" and see anyone else - even that person's children - as competition.

Ditch her - but be prepared for there to be a fair amount of nasty reaction.

Your daughter was terribly rude. She should have apologised and so should you.

Your friend was unpleasant to comment on the food. But your daughter was extremely rude and common. Maybe that sort of talk is normal to you but it s pretty rough.

I'd be furious if my adult child spoke to anyone like that. I'd hope I'd brought them up better than to be so vulgar

I'd be mortified if my daughter spoke to one of my friends like that, banter or not. It is incredibly rude.

That said it sounds as if though the relationship has run its course, you don't seem that fond of your friend.

Your daughter was rude, however I also think your friend was being rude to be complaining about the meat you served.
You don’t seem to have anything nice to say about the friend in the post you wrote. So unless she does have some redeeming features I’d let the friendship fizzle out.

I think your friend was rude commenting on the lack of meat tbh.

Here here, she'd have got a fuck off comment from me too. Cannot believe some of the responses about the daughter...she's abusive, vile, a bully...nah, she was giving her a taste of her own medicine

It was not just banter your daughter meant it and, your "friend" knew it, and by the sounds of it deserved it. You probably knew it which is why you didn't punish your daughter at the time and tried to brush it away as banter, but your "friend" who even you admit isn't one will never give up until you do. Just let her go