Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

YABU for even being in this position.

This old childhood friend is back in your life due to circumstances not because she desperately missed you, she’s claimed you until something better comes along.

Im guessing your DD sees her for exactly who she is and called her out at the BBQ for her rude behaviour. The swearing would fully depend on if that’s acceptable language in your family or not.

YABU for even thinking about this, the only acceptable response is “seriously grow the fuck up, you were being rude about my food, my DD called you on it, fair enough swearing might not have been the right words but seriously get over it and keep your fucking nose out of my family affairs, just because we’ve known each other since childhood dosnt give you any rights to involve yourself in my family life.”

Context is key here, it's not something I would ever say, but in some circles that might be seen as 'banter' and might be how people speak to each other. Your friend obivously sees things differenty and was upset.

I think this is largely beside the point though as sounds like the frienship has run its course.

this ‘friend’ was being rude in the 1st place.
Your DD was sticking up for you.
Ignore ‘friend’ if this were me, DD was reacting normally imho.

It was a response to the friend criticising the food her mum had provided.

Who had already made a snippy comment about the daughter being there.

If the friend can't cope with being called out on her own rude behaviour, maybe she shouldn't be rude in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

What your dd said did sound rude but it also sounds like your friend started it. I’d also query whether this was the last of a line of whiny complaints, you dd called her out on it and she didn’t like it. Some people just complain constantly and tbh I’d probably have said the same

Your daughter was shockingly rude and is quite possibly a bully (how often do you excuse her deliberate nastiness as ‘just banter’?) but your friend is being ridiculous about it.

If I had a friend with a child like this and a parent who made excuses for her, I’d either just avoid the child in question if I valued the friend or alternatively take a step back from the friendship.

I’d never try and intervene in the relationship between them the way your friend is apparently doing. Apart from anything else, no normal parent is ever going to pick a friend (however close I thought we were) over their own child!

Everyone is missing the point that your "friend" was being rude by complaining of the quality of the meat being served by you. Your daughter made a passive aggressive "joke" in response that let the friend know she had noticed her rudeness.
Who on earth complains about food at a barbecue?!

Your friend sounds immature, boring and an utter whingebag.
Your daughter sounds like she is someone worth having around.

Friend was rude to complain about the food in the first place, cheeky mare.

Your daughter was really rude 😭 - and I wonder if she said that as a dig that your friend isnt wanted - thats how I'd have taken it

But now that two years have passed, there's no point of continously bringing it up

I wonder what your friend's side of the story would be, I feel she'd see your friendship very differently to you've described

You dont like her - do the honourable thing and tell her that you no longer want to be friends. I dont think shes done anything wrong so no point in waiting for her to slip up, which is what I suspect is happening here.

Yabu

A bully? 🙄

The friend was rude about the OP's daughter being there and then about the OP's food.

Responding in kind is not bullying.

Your daughter was rude I would never have said anything like that to a friend of my mum’s.

I can’t imagine any situation where telling someone to fuck off is “ just banter”. If my kids said that to one of my friends or family I’d be mortified and furious with them. It sounds like too many tensions have been adding up in this friendship and it sounds more like a rivalry to me than a caring relationship.

"I am conflicted in loyalty"

Seriously? Your daughter was rude but there is no conflict. Your loyalty belongs with your daughter.

I agree. But your daughter was extremely rude and abusive. What language to use to a guest.

I am so glad you said this as I was beginning to think I had lost my sense of humour. How can that ever be considered funny. If I was feeling sensitive it might make me cry too. The reason she hasn’t forgotten it is because you negated her feelings by telling her she should find it funny when she didn’t. She loved you as a friend and it mattered to her that you cared.

I don’t see how saying ‘fuck off’ in this context could ever be seen purely as a joke. It’s just not funny. Not to say it was completely serious, but to me it’s a joke with a jag. Your daughter meant to be cutting. She was irritated by your friend complaining about the food and blurted out what was in her head and dressed it up as a joke. It’s exactly the kind of ‘joke’ I hate. I do think the fact that your friend is still wanging on about it is a bit much. But then it sounds as if she sees your daughter as a rival and wants to remind you that she’s not very nice in the hope of driving a wedge between you.

Your daughter’s comment was rude but your loyalty should be with her. Your friend sounds childish.

For what my opinion is worth I think your friend and your daughter were rude at the BBQ. But she’s no friend of yours, I would end the friendship.

Your daughter was rude. Let’s be honest its called banter but we all know it’s rudeness. However its been so long your friend should get over it, not a big deal in the scheme of things.

I think you need to be really explicit with her. Tell her you’re sorry if she was upset ALL THOSE YEARS AGO by your daughter, and sorry you didn’t call your daughter out on it at the time, however, it’s time to leave any difficult feelings she has for your daughter behind. Explain that that it’s important to you as you would never let anyone come in the way of your relationship with your daughter, so for the sake of your friendship, which you want to maintain, you’d appreciate it if she kept off the topic of your daughter.

I cannot believe that you think your dd telling anyone to fuck off home is acceptable! My dd is 23 and I’d be so embarrassed and cross with her if she said anything like that.

I see that too. Maybe it wasn't really banter but the reaction to continual critism and sniping. Everything that has been posted about the 'friend' i dictates she is a real PITA. Maybe the daughter was just fed up with her.

Everyone is not missing that point at all, if you read the whole thread it’s almost as popular a response as those having a fit of the vapours over the daughter being rude to an esteemed guest. 😁

Your daughter is rude but I think your friend overreacted, crying all weekend is a bit dramatic. Probably best to call time on the friendship.

I wouldn’t speak to a ‘friend’ again if her DD said that to me & didn’t apologise.

bit there’s obv more going on here.