Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

No-one comes out well in all of this.

@Nessa1777 your daughter was incredibly rude. If my DD had spoken to any of my friends like that I would have been furious.

DD swears with her friends and might get away with the quip with her peers, but if she had spoken like that to any of my friends like that I would have made her apologise.

Clearly neither you nor your daughter like your friend very much, which is understandable. Your friend was out of order in the first place about the bbq food and it sounds like your daughter was defending you.

If your friend is asking you to choose between her or your daughter, it’s a no brainer really. End the friendship, it doesn’t seem to be benefitting anybody.

Yes what your daughter said was rude but the other person sounds like a complete pain. I hesitate to call her a friend because she clearly isn’t. Why she has no other friends isn’t your issue. Be busy next time she rings and move on. Don’t give this any more headspace.

Look, your loyalty is with your daughter but she was bloody rude! That’s not a funny joke and definitely not one you’d make to your parents friend! Seriously, her self awareness has got to be low. If she had done this when she was 13, would you have laughed then?

on the friend, just stop contacting her. She pisses you off and life is too short to be with people you don’t like. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she does the same thing back to you….

I agree with this.

I can’t imagine being invited for dinner at someone’s house and being rude about what they’re cooking.

Your daughter dealt with your friend’s rude comment with a jokey retort. Slightly rude, but jokey and appropriate.

Does your friend struggle a bit in social situations? Most people in that exchange would be able to file that away as “I was a bit rude, she retorted, move on “. Most people would also automatically assume that your loyalties are to your daughter and wouldn’t be questioning things like why she’s living with you.

You already know the solution, boundaries; you have to set them.

The friend is jockeying for superior position with you against your daughter, which, by the way, yes, it is weird.

25 year olds say f^c*. It's not earth shattering. Just tell her "that is my daughter, I will always be on her side, if this the hill you want our friendship to die on, so be it. I am sick of hearing about this. Period. There will never ever be a resolution that is satisfactory to you. Bring it up again, and we're done. If you cannot live with that then I understand, and we're done." She will either back down or double down. If she backs down you still have a friend. If not, there's your answer, walk away. It will not get better.

Your friendship is based upon her having no other friends, if I read that correctly. Anyone having no other friends is kind of a big flashing neon sign about something, usually social graces.

If anyone spoke poorly about, or to, my daughter, or to me or to anyone else, they would never be allowed back in my home and their number and email would be blocked. So why are you so hesitant? Does your daughter also have some kind of a disorder?

It reads like this woman was pestering your daughter until your daughter got testy, and that seems normal. Your friend, who I assume is the older one, so, theoretically, the more mature person in the exchange between her and your daughter, has taken zero accountability. Still, you won't fix the problem. Absent any other info, there is only one side, your daughter's.

Your hesitancy to fix this problem begs the question, is she actually YOUR only friend? Is this a potential loss you don't want to face? There is nothing wrong with that, but it would explain why you're so conflicted about protecting your daughter.

You don't have to parent to your friend's satisfaction, only to your own, and it's none of her effing business. You say to your daughter what you need to say to your daughter and only to her, if there's anything to say at all. Your daughter is an adult and she will decide what kind of a relationship she wants, if at all, with that woman.

I am personally against telling young women to stifle and much prefer teaching them how to rephrase so they don't lose their voices because somebody's panties are in a bunch over the word f--@, or they are perceived as unbusiness-like which is valid, or unladylike, which is not valid, but a way to silence women.

Good luck walking this tightrope! I'm rooting for you!!!

OP's daughter's joke was actually her daughter sticking up for her mum as the friend was complaining about the quality of the meat that OP had provided which was uncalled for. She wasn't just gratuitously rude for no reason. She probably went too far by telling her to 'fuck off home' if she didn't like the food but for the friend to hold onto a grudge for two years and to try and tell OP that she should kick her daughter out is ridiculous.

OP's friend seems to have issues making and holding on to friendships and has been a poor friend to OP over the years. Her loyalties should lie with her daughter.

Your daughter was rude and unpleasant. The first rule of banter is, it's only banter if everyone is laughing. If the person your "banter" is directed at is upset, then you're actually just being a dickhead.

However, your friend sounds really odd and intense. I'd distance myself from the friendship. She's very immature.

Your friend was being rude about the food and your daughter was quick to give her an answer.

Whether it was a joke or not, had it not been for your friends quip the offending comment from your daughter wouldn’t have been made.

Your friend didn’t like being called out and won’t let it go. I reckon you should cut ties with friend, there’s a reason she goes through so many people.

Most of MN would say stick up for your daughter still...makes me wonder why some people even bother having friends if family always comes first even when they're plain in the WRONG. It's exactly the same attitude as to why teachers are leaving in droves and some parents have only themselves to blame because everyone else in the world but their little precious is the one in the wrong.

I’m not really sure what the decision is. Quite frankly your daughter could justify making a serious dig at her, it was in response to a spiteful comment she made.

In any case tell her that you’ve moved on, and if she hasn’t it’s her problem. She’s obviously deluded over the strength of the friendship in any case.

Yabu for even being conflicted in the first place. She is not a friend, she wants to own you…she is a nutter.

ditch her

If your family were hosting then really your daughters comments was out of order - joke or no joke.

I would be horrified if mine spoke to anyone that way. She can keep her potty mouth closed when it cones to my friends, etc no issues with how she banters with friends her own age!
your friend sounds a bit much too! Move on you aren’t getting anything out of this friendship

I think your daughter has sized up the so-called friend and took the opportunity to aim a well deserved dig at her. Friend just opened the door wide for her with her bitchy comments. Yes, it was pretty rude but sounds like it was a long time coming. She's not really a friend - would you even miss her if she weren't around?

This. It wasn’t banter, it was downright nasty.

Friend was very rude about food being served - your DD was rude back - and this was all two years ago.

I don't think I'd have patience for any of this - if she mention it again say yes well you were rude she was rude back it was two years ago move on or leave.

She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “

This is insane - no-one gets to tell me who lives in my house nor will I justify it to anyone - fuck all to do with them.

You are giving impression I know you best stuff irriating you - so I'm suprised you haven't pushed back a bit on it. If you don't like her you don't have to stay friends - if you do put some boundaries in tell her when she oversteps politely firmly and ignore any sulking.

I think your freind sounds a quite forward herself! Fancy commenting on the quality of the meat at your bbq! Did she contributes anything towards the party?
I think you need to defend your daughter. You said yourself this woman was absent during 10 crucial years of your lives.Sometumes,you just can't go back. All the best with things!

Your daughter was rude, you are wrong to think it was not.

I think it was a disgusting thing for your daughter to say. Very rude. Wouldn't say it to my mams friends, or be happy if DD said it to mine.

I think you being dismissive initially saying, I know DD didn't mean it, DD said she didn't mean it, 4 "witnesses" agreed it was banter, is also rude and dismissive. Minimally you should have apologised or asked your daughter too. Not because she was being unkind intentionally but because she upset your friend. This might be over if your friend had recieved an apology.

That said I think clinging on to it for 2 years is a bit much. And she should let it go.

Your daughter was very rude especially if she didn’t know your friend very well.

To be fair your daughter was rude. But you have already said she isn’t much of a friend so who cares, block her!

Your daughter sounds rude. I wouldn't want to be around someone who says "fuck off" as banter. I think it's best you end the friendship with this friend. You'll be doing her a favour.

I do think your daughter’s comment came across as quite brash. Personally, I can’t imagine speaking to my parents’ friends that way, even if I had felt like it, I wouldn’t have wanted to embarrass my parents. That said, I wouldn’t appreciate a friend trying to come between me and my daughter by planting doubts or making repeated remarks about her. If someone kept questioning why she was around, my response would be simple: “Because she’s my daughter, and I want her here/she’s welcome here”. My loyalty would, without question, lie with her.

she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! - see this bit shows her up for the freak she is and would actually creep me out a bit. How can anyone want to sort of erase your daughter out of your life or even think for a minute that they’re more important in your life? She sounds absolutely demented.

She was rude because your friend isn't pleasant and part of it would be to protect and vent for you, her Mum. If she valued and respected your friend she wouldn't have said this, as the backstory.