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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

159 replies

identifiables · 05/07/2025 09:52

It got brought up in couples therapy that I’d left the dinner table and taken my food to eat in another room.

I explained to the therapist that DC was repeatedly kicking me during the meal and had refused to stop when asked. I had explained that I do not want to be kicked. No one likes being kicked, it hurts. They carried on, I initially moved one seat away but they still managed to kick me so I said I do not want to be kicked, so if you will not stop kicking I will have to leave the table. They didn’t stop so I left the table. DCs Dad was still sitting opposite them at the table, not getting kicked. DC was 3yo, intelligent, no SEN, good comprehension, generally well behaved on the whole. From my perspective I was teaching using natural consequences that if you hurt people they won’t want to be near you.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

Was I unreasonable to leave the table? How would you have handled this?

YABU = You should have handled this differently. Please post any suggestions how you would have handled it.
YANBU = You handled this well enough.

OP posts:

Heyisforhorses · 05/07/2025 09:55

You asked them to stop, you moved and they still continued so you stepped away. You left the DC with an adult so still safe. If you'd have stayed there the chances are you'd have exploded so I would see it that you took yourself from a situation that would have gotten worse.

ChaToilLeam · 05/07/2025 09:56

You handled this fine. No yelling or screaming, just natural consequences. I hardly think your child is going to be traumatised by this. Children have to learn not to hurt others.

What was DC's dad doing during this? And is that a reason you're in couples therapy?

DysmalRadius · 05/07/2025 09:58

Your child is 3 - could you not distract them? Play a game? Move their chair so they couldn't reach you? I don't think your response was awful but it feels like it would be something I would do if I felt I was at the end of my tether rather than a considered response to teach them a lesson.

How did it come up in therapy - did your husband disagree with your approach?

Yourethebeerthief · 05/07/2025 09:58

What a weird thing for your therapist to say. I wouldn’t continue working with someone spouting such nonsense.

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

Soontobe60 · 05/07/2025 09:59

If a 3 year old was purposely kicking someone despite being told to stop, they would have been removed from the table as a consequence.

NuffSaidSam · 05/07/2025 10:00

I'd have moved the the three year old away from the table rather than leaving myself. I think that's a better (and more accurate) lesson for them.

I don't agree with your therapist at all.

Original poster

identifiables · 05/07/2025 10:00

ChaToilLeam · 05/07/2025 09:56

You handled this fine. No yelling or screaming, just natural consequences. I hardly think your child is going to be traumatised by this. Children have to learn not to hurt others.

What was DC's dad doing during this? And is that a reason you're in couples therapy?

Thank you. DCs dad was not doing or saying much that I remember, just eating.

OP posts:

Hohofortherobbers · 05/07/2025 10:01

I'd say the natural consequence should be the 3yo leaves the table in time out, not you.

YellowGrey · 05/07/2025 10:03

Personally I would have moved the child (ie done a time out) rather than moved myself. I don't think your approach was terrible though.

What does DH think you should have done?

financialcareerstuff · 05/07/2025 10:06

Seriously? I think dump your therapist. Therapists shouldn’t be telling you their judgement like that/ that you are wrong, first of all. They should help you explore how you feel and think about things.

secondly, I think her opinion is utterly stupid. I think what you did was reasonable- I would just have suggested the child should be more directly punished. What you did kind of suggests that you get inconvenienced by her being naughty. (And who knows, maybe she wanted you to move, maybe she’s in daddy mode right now and wants him to herself etc…. Kids go through all kinds of phases)… so in a way you can see a kick as pushing you off, and you moved away to oblige almost. That kind of leaves the power with her. I think it is her who should have been warned that any more kicks would result in her being made to sit and eat her dinner in a corner or loses dessert or whatever….. the other thing that bothers me about that scenario is it sounds like your partner sat there doing nothing while your child was kicking you…. Which sends the subliminal message that it’s ok to mistreat mummy. He should have stepped in very quickly to tell her that she mustn’t kick mummy etc…..

Bitzee · 05/07/2025 10:06

This is just so strange. I’d assume the therapist has no training in and/or doesn’t have any young kids because that’s frankly a bonkers conclusion. They were with another parent, emotionally I bet it didn’t even register. But I equally I find that a really odd way of parenting 3YO. They ignored your instruction to stop and then were just allowed to carry on with zero consequences like it was you that had done some wrong by simply sitting rather than their kicking that was the issue. If your DC was being hit or kicked by another kid at nursery would you expect your DC to be sent out for thinking time or the perpetrator? Madness. Next time your DC should be the one that gets removed from the table. And honestly I’d find a new therapist that can be objective about family life.

EndorsingPRActice · 05/07/2025 10:06

OP, it comes over to me as if you were playing the victim. I don't agree with the counsellor at all. I think my kids would have thought they'd won if I left the table. Why wasn't the 3 year old asked to leave the table? I never allowed kicking at meals, simply told the kicker to leave the table. Are your DH and you on the same page?

WaltzingWaters · 05/07/2025 10:08

I’d find a new therapist for a start.

But no, you did the right thing. I think I’d have moved the child away rather than myself. But you certainly shouldn’t have just let them continue kicking you! And dad should have stepped in and helped back you up to!

BallerinaRadio · 05/07/2025 10:10

It sounds like this is in the past, how long ago was it?

Topseyt123 · 05/07/2025 10:12

I wouldn't have left the table. I'd have moved the child away and/or turned them round so that they couldn't reach me. Then I'd have just continued with my meal and ignored any protests.

Your therapist sounds like a twat and probably has little or no experience of children.

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 05/07/2025 10:13

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

This ☝

PrincessOfPreschool · 05/07/2025 10:16

I would stop seeing this therapist. They have weird ideas if they think you don't that one time will make a child feel rejected. Or course if physical withdrawal was a daily occurrence...

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 05/07/2025 10:17

Why are you in couples therapy? What's going on that it was felt it was needed?

rosecoloured · 05/07/2025 10:17

You should have told the three-year old to leave the table and not being able to join you and the dinner. You made it about YOU by leaving, and thinking that was a consequense for the child. It’s the child who needs to feel the consequense of his own behaviour, and this did not happen in this case.

Your therapist is a twat though.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2025 10:18

I hauled my kicking four year old out of a restaurant and into the car after he meant to kick me but kicked his DGM instead.

If there is a next time, move the child. And ditch the therapist.

Isthisnormal10000 · 05/07/2025 10:19

Well if I had asked my dc to stop kicking me repeatedly and they didnt then I would be removint them from the table, they might get shouted at and sent to their room and if cheeky then gadgeta taken away. None of my kids would kick me though, probably as they know the consequences.

I think people relg on thwrapjsts too much, why would some random woman or man know more about your family than you. They are just people,their opinions can be wrong or riduculous too.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/07/2025 10:22

So the one doing the kicking gets to stay at the table and eat their meal? What sort of punishment is that?

ExtraOnions · 05/07/2025 10:22

How long are you 3 year olds legs, that they can still reach you, after you moved seats?

Did you tell DH why you were moving, or just get up and go?

I can’t believe you let a 3 year old dictate where you sat to eat. He’s the one who should have left the table.

You couid have swapped seats with DH.

Peanut91 · 05/07/2025 10:23

Yourethebeerthief · 05/07/2025 09:58

What a weird thing for your therapist to say. I wouldn’t continue working with someone spouting such nonsense.

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

This. I would have removed my child from the table rather than myself

Shetlands · 05/07/2025 10:24

Why didn't your DH back you up and tell the child to stop kicking?

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