WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

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It got brought up in couples therapy that I’d left the dinner table and taken my food to eat in another room.

I explained to the therapist that DC was repeatedly kicking me during the meal and had refused to stop when asked. I had explained that I do not want to be kicked. No one likes being kicked, it hurts. They carried on, I initially moved one seat away but they still managed to kick me so I said I do not want to be kicked, so if you will not stop kicking I will have to leave the table. They didn’t stop so I left the table. DCs Dad was still sitting opposite them at the table, not getting kicked. DC was 3yo, intelligent, no SEN, good comprehension, generally well behaved on the whole. From my perspective I was teaching using natural consequences that if you hurt people they won’t want to be near you.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

Was I unreasonable to leave the table? How would you have handled this?

YABU = You should have handled this differently. Please post any suggestions how you would have handled it.
YANBU = You handled this well enough.

This is exactly how I handled my own DC’s behaviour. Any misbehaviour = me retreating. Maybe not far, just out of sight sometimes, but it was really effective as naturally, they want to be near you. Possibly didn’t work well if DH is still sat with them, but in a nutshell, 20+ years later, I have two thriving, well mannered, funny, high achieving young adults who are now working in careers and in their first homes… I don’t think it did them any harm - I rarely had to use it. Shouting is far worse imho.

I would have done it differently because you were the one to suffer the consequences, not them (dc stayed at the table, eating etc….).
So for me, what you’ve teach the child is that, if they kick you long enough, you just go away, along with the request to stop kicking iyswim.

I would have taken dc to another room or move THEM to a place where they couldn’t kick you.

Also notice how they didn’t kick their dad…. And dad didn’t intervene in support either.

Looks like life is getting more and more difficult these days. I don't even want to start to say what my grandparents, parents, or I would do if their/my child were kicking.
But more likely, no child would even think about it, as the consequences would come straight away

You sound like a pushover. Do you discipline your child at all? Are you one of them parents that dont shout at all? After the first time I would have removed them from the table. Naughty step, bedroom and told them when they can behave they can sit and eat.

OP you might find this useful
https://www.centreforemotionalhealth.org.uk/more-information/for-families/

Particularly the steps to calm down, choices and consequences and active ignoring.

The therapist has a point (to an extent). Your child is the one who should have had to leave the table. The message should be that you need to be well behaved to stay at the table, not that Mum will leave if you're not well behaved.

I would have put 3 year old on time out or in their room.

YABU.

1. your child should have left the table (time out).
2. your child should have been made to apologise.
3. Your husband should have backed you.

It sounds like your toddler can do whatever he wants and has no consequences. Mum leaving the table is hardly punishment.

Yep I agree it shouldve been DS to leave the table. If you're at soft play and hes hitting another child you would remove DS from the situation and take him home, not expect the other parent to remove their DC and yours gets to carry on playing. He didnt learn his lesson by you moving away, he didn't receive any punishment at all for his bad behaviour. You give one warning of kick me again and you're going to be removed from the table. Then stick to it.

Forget the therapist, what does your husband suggest you should have done? Why did he not step up to parent? one stern word from him and the child would have stopped knowing that you two are a team. By staying quiet he condoned the behaviour. You did what you could think in the moment and I hate it when people make you feel like a bad guy for standing up for yourself. The child is child and needs boundaries. Your husband is the one at fault here and you need to change the therapist.

I voted Abu because the child should have been moved not you. t is just reinforcing his control over you if his actions cause you to move.

I would have moved the child after two warnings. Having said that it doesn't seem significant enough to be discussed in therapy. Young children do all sorts of things that aren't social. They learn what's acceptable through incidents like this. I think the therapist is stretching a long bow. I would have been wildly irritated that dad didn't back me up though.

My child would have been removed from the table. They would have had a five minute timeout and no pudding.

Are you in couples counselling because you DH doesn't care enough about you to support you when your child is kicking you?

Is the issue that he has criticised your response to the counsellor so she is now trying to find a middle ground so he doesn't feel critical of you in the future?

Be careful not to end up further embedded in an unhealthy relationship because an unskilled counsellor is making you feel like you need to put your needs to one side in favour of what the rest of the family wants. This happens a lot.

You need to stand up for your right to be treated with kindness and respect by everyone in your family. The counsellor should support you in that.

You did the right thing. Your husband should have told him off.

Your therapist is talking nonsense.

If this was the first instance, I think what you did was sensible. Your child saw that you would take action rather than accept being kicked, and it’s a much more low-key solution than removing a hungry, stroppy child. Removing the child would be more likely to escalate the situation, and a 3yo would struggle to rationalise being hungry as a consequence of earlier actions, and you’d be dealing with bedtime tantrums.

The child was safe with a parent.

Did it work? Have there been further instances of dinner time kicking?

Absolutely yes remove the child, why are you pushy footing round after a 3 year old, he needs to learn actions have consequences. I would have picked him up and removed him after the first time he ignored you

Yep, I agree with this actually
the child should have been removed from table to an appropriate place like corner of room for a few minutes.

but heck, nope, the counsellor is talking total twaddle. Jeez,🙄 your aren’t abusing the child by stepping away. You have boudaries and counsellor suggested you put yourself in harms way. I’d be seriously checking their credentials

I would have warned the child and then removed them.

They adhere to my rules, not the other way around.

I really like @ThisMellowGreenDreamer ’s example, even though it concerns a younger DC. (P2 of this thread). The parents showing care for each other in this way seems very powerful to me.

In that sense, OP, yes - your DH could have taken the lead. ‘We love Mummy. We don’t hurt her. If you keep hurting her, you will have to stop eating and leave the room.’ Possibly while caressing you (!) And you can do the same for him.

Honestly I would have thought that child being put somewhere away from both parents rejection.

Hello! Who is the adult here? I would have stood up and addressed the child and said: If you do not stop kicking me, you will have to sit on your naughty chair to take time out. Your behaviour is not acceptable and it hurts How would you like it if another child were to keep kicking you like that? Children need firm fair boundaries and to know what is acceptable and not acceptable.

What a bizarre thing to do. I really don’t think your 3yo will notice or work out that you left for that reason. I wouldn’t go as far as to say what the therapist said (weird) but I don’t think it would have the desired effect. If that was my 3 yo he’d definitely be the one to leave the table for a short reset chat (telling off) away from the table and then brought back so we can all eat nicely together.

Yes! Just what I would have done, removed the child and not myself.

This!