WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

[identifiables]

It got brought up in couples therapy that I’d left the dinner table and taken my food to eat in another room.

I explained to the therapist that DC was repeatedly kicking me during the meal and had refused to stop when asked. I had explained that I do not want to be kicked. No one likes being kicked, it hurts. They carried on, I initially moved one seat away but they still managed to kick me so I said I do not want to be kicked, so if you will not stop kicking I will have to leave the table. They didn’t stop so I left the table. DCs Dad was still sitting opposite them at the table, not getting kicked. DC was 3yo, intelligent, no SEN, good comprehension, generally well behaved on the whole. From my perspective I was teaching using natural consequences that if you hurt people they won’t want to be near you.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

Was I unreasonable to leave the table? How would you have handled this?

YABU = You should have handled this differently. Please post any suggestions how you would have handled it.
YANBU = You handled this well enough.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

So fast forward 10 years and you have a 13 year old pushing you around because he’s learned that you’ll always be there and you can’t stop him.
I absolutely agree with this.
Op your kids is at an age where he is testing boundaries. He now knows if he keeps kicking you nothing much will happen and you'll move away.

You need to regain 'power' and show your authority. That doesn't mean being bolshy or hard, it's just about showing what is acceptable behaviour and when he isn't behaving there is a consequence (age appropriate and relevant of course).

It is much easier challenging unacceptable behaviour at 4 rather than trying to start put rules and boundaries in at 7 ( or worse, as I've seen some parents do through my job, 13)
Makes things easier for both you and your child by letting him know exactly what is and isn't acceptable. Children need boundaries

Because you both need to work and be seen to work as a unit when you are teaching your child their limits. No means No and Stop means Stop when it comes to the important stuff.

If you give a warning Dad backs you and will punish the bad action too. Dad gives a warning and you back him up.

In this situation its looking at why you were being kicked and shows Dad will not allow it to continue. Plus part of the punishment is not getting a reaction from you (which is a "reward" in the childs mind) and both you and Dad are cross about the kicking

And his action reduces any escalation as Dad is the Judge and you the victim. Child can defend the action before Dad explains the reason is not accepted.

Your partner should be willing to do this without prompting because he should not want you to be kicked. And he should want to teach his/your child not to kick you (or anyone else)

I think the therapist is talking rubbish.
However I would have moved the child - you can sit at the table when you stop kicking. You're hurting me and it's not acceptable. X

WTAF?

your 3yo is kicking you, you tell them off!

then I’d have expected their other parent to support and say the same

then you move and show them that actions have consequences

distract them? Ffs, this explains why kids are totally unprepared for interactions with others.

Your dc is the one that should have moved away from the table. Parents are so soft nowadays, no wonder there's all these behaviour issues in schools.

Your therapist is talking bollocks. Your response was fine, although i might have been inclined to calmly remove the child rather than leave myself. Give warning. If he ignores put him in his room (assuming safe to leave him) and state ‘I’m putting you in your room because you didn’t listen to me and stop kicking’.
Probably not relevant but be interesting to hear why you are therapy. Are you being made the scapegoat for family problems because that’s what this sounds like.

Why did you leave? If a child was kicking, told to stop and didn't, then the child needed to be removed from the table. You are the parent, OP, you have to teach and guide them, not walk away.

This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

Your child was kicking you and yet you were the one who moved, instead of making them do it?

Nope, wouldn't happen here.

Unfortunately the therapist isn’t living in the real world and you are.

You did the right thing. I’d be taking away a privilege as well, like screen time, for a short period.

When you say therapist, do you mean Relate or similar? I would be very careful with those. Some of them just think that the woman’s job is to give everyone what they need, while they are being kicked, physically or metaphorically. The man comes all sad because he is feeling sad and unloved and actually the reason he is feeling unloved is because he’s receiving justified criticism for absolutely throwing his wife under the bus in the reality of small children riding roughshod over her life and body. But all the therapist sees is that he’s sad and wants more love.
You are not being helped to get to a functioning relationship here. You are just being told to suck it up because it’s what women do.

This was my first thought. Actions have consequences and the lesson here is that if you continue to kick during a meal when asked to stop, then you’ll be eating alone.

And I’d be finding another therapist.

You taught your child they can't expect to hurt people and they put up with it. What did the therapist suggest you do to stop it? If she didn't give you an alternative suggestion, then I wouldn't rate her as a therapist as she isn't actually helping you, jusy criticising and not giving you advice. She might be doing that in other areas too, which is worrying.

Yes this.

the DC should have been removed. 3 is old enough to listen to their mother

You were wrong in that I’d have made my child leave the table not left it myself, but your therapist is terrible.

Are they actually qualified, or just somebody dabbling in “counselling”?

If its your child as well as husbands then you should've stopped him kicking. He should've been removed from the table, and sat quietly whilst you explain kicking isn't acceptable at the table and it has hurt you. He can come back to the table when he agrees no more kicking. I wouldn't expect my husband to step in, personally, as the kicking was against you and therefore I'd automatically pick it up and use the fact that my own child was hurting me as the driver of the conversation and the consequence. It's a bit old school for dad's to discipline, unless you felt it required 2 adults to stop a 3 yr old kicking which I don't think it does.

If the child in question is your step child then yes your husband should handle it, and i would expect as above.

Taking your food and eating elsewhere is a bit of an unusual reaction, I wouldn't say necessarily wrong, but kind of implies "you do what you want but I'm not going to be around". Whereas I'd see a parental response (especially at 3) as being more "I set the boundaries and I'll make sure/help you stick to them come what may"

I’d have done the stern face and voice - you do not kick mummy. And if they still persisted removed them from the table. Natural consequences for child would have been not sitting at table to eat his tea.
Odd reasoning from therapist.

What does the therapist say you should have done?

I’d have taken the three year old and placed them in another room, saying “if you can’t behave at the table, you don’t get to eat with us” I’d have finished dinner then had them sit by themselves to eat their dinner later. If he’s pissing about and kicking you instead of eating dinner, he’s not hungry.

Back in the real world, if you act like a dick, people will not want to be around you. Friends, partners and family members will stop sitting at your metaphorical table.

I'm sure on planet therapy, every child must grow up to believe they are so magnetic and special that no-one will ever leave them. And they definitely won't learn a really hard and painful lesson when they leave home (if they ever do.)

However, I'm bringing mine up to function here on Earth and that if you go around kicking people, they will go.

I remember a therapist telling me a similar thing. My mum used to sulk if something wasn’t going her way and withdraw from us all. Not speak. Therapist said this was the worse thing a parent could do. So I guess there is something in it.

But that isn’t this is it ? OP was neither sulking nor withdrawing - and it’s a reach to suggest that the child repeatedly kicking her is OP ‘not getting her own way’. The child was asked to stop and didn’t. So there have to be consequences. Personally I think the child should have been removed and made to eat alone.

Yep amazed the majority think you leaving is right....

I agree that ideally the child should have been moved but if the outcome is that everyone ate in peace is that so bad?

I swear more and more people are having babies and then dont seem to have the first clue as to how to parent and discipline them when they're here.

Let me get this straight. You mention DC's dad as eating his meal and taking no part in this.
Is DC's dad your partner? Ex partner?
Why did he not give any input?
Forcibly removing a 3year old from the table could have ended up badly so I think you did the right thing in the circumstances.
But DC's dad's behaviour seems strange.

Well.

I would have said very firmly ‘do not kick me again’ and the second they did it again they would have been lifted out to the other room.

I would rather be direct and clear about what I expect and let the child know that . On my front foot, rather than withdrawing.

But I don’t see what you did as being emotionally or psychologically damaging to your child.

But I think moving out of the way suggests to the child that kicking is ok, and it’s up to you to move yourself to safety while the child swings their legs. The sort of behaviour that would be called bullying in an older child.

What are you in couples therapy for? Is it connected?