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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

159 replies

identifiables · 05/07/2025 09:52

It got brought up in couples therapy that I’d left the dinner table and taken my food to eat in another room.

I explained to the therapist that DC was repeatedly kicking me during the meal and had refused to stop when asked. I had explained that I do not want to be kicked. No one likes being kicked, it hurts. They carried on, I initially moved one seat away but they still managed to kick me so I said I do not want to be kicked, so if you will not stop kicking I will have to leave the table. They didn’t stop so I left the table. DCs Dad was still sitting opposite them at the table, not getting kicked. DC was 3yo, intelligent, no SEN, good comprehension, generally well behaved on the whole. From my perspective I was teaching using natural consequences that if you hurt people they won’t want to be near you.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

Was I unreasonable to leave the table? How would you have handled this?

YABU = You should have handled this differently. Please post any suggestions how you would have handled it.
YANBU = You handled this well enough.

OP posts:
boredoflaundry · 07/07/2025 13:27

How would I have handled it?
I would have removed DC from the table. Probably only a few feet back. Still in their chair. So they could neither kick me or eat their food.
id also have moved Dads food away from
him, so he had to engage in what was going on in the room!

conversation with child about consequences.

hopefully returned everyone to the table to continue the meal, without kicking. Whilst trying to have a conversation on a different topic, to not dwell on the incident.

what would I do after the therapy …. Find a new therapist! AND question why I’m there in the first place - is it because the child’s father is an adult or a child.

you say your child doesn’t have special needs? Does his father? … & I ask that genuinely, because your description of his behaviour makes me wonder.

ruethewhirl · 07/07/2025 16:17

Another vote for DC should have been removed from the table.

SheridansPortSalut · 08/07/2025 02:06

diddl · 06/07/2025 18:36

Honestly I would have thought that child being put somewhere away from both parents rejection.

The idea is that you reject the behavior, not the child. When they stop the behavior they can come back.

DisabledDemon · 08/07/2025 02:15

Topseyt123 · 05/07/2025 10:12

I wouldn't have left the table. I'd have moved the child away and/or turned them round so that they couldn't reach me. Then I'd have just continued with my meal and ignored any protests.

Your therapist sounds like a twat and probably has little or no experience of children.

Just what I was thinking - almost word for word!

Therapy is a licence to print money.

Hufflemuff · 08/07/2025 04:14

1 - Get a new therapist. This one sounds like a wet blanket. Also a red flag they didnt immediately ask DH wtf they were doing whilst this transpired.

2 - I wouldn't have left the table, because why the hell should you? You were the victim. If anything i think you're teaching him that he holds some kind of power.

3 - I would have made my little poppet leave the table. If you cant eat here and respect others - you cant eat here!

BogRollBOGOF · 08/07/2025 07:02

Removing yourself was not unreasonable and certainly won't traumatise your child. It may not have been the most effective strategy though, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution to managing behaviour.

Your husband should have your back and support your parenting over issues like this. Repeatedly being kicked is clearly undesirable behaviour past any reasonable boundaries. Him remaining a silent witness is effectively condoning the behaviour. Annoying in a 3 year old. Potentially disasterous in a 13 year old in due course.

I would probably remove the child for a short period to break the behaviour. I have an older child who sometimes comes in a silly mood and aggravates his sibling, so he will be asked to leave until we are finished. He's older and understands the situation. For a 3 year old, 2-3 mins and just being put out of reach is enough.

That said, removal of child is not always the perfect solution. DS1 had a biting phase at around 2 and was removed... it then emerged that he connected the two actions and would increasingly bite others to signal that it was time to go 🤦‍♀️ I then modified the consequence that he had to sit out in situ for about 5 mins before we would do anything else which did change the behaviour.

poetryandwine · 08/07/2025 07:05

BogRollBOGOF · 08/07/2025 07:02

Removing yourself was not unreasonable and certainly won't traumatise your child. It may not have been the most effective strategy though, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution to managing behaviour.

Your husband should have your back and support your parenting over issues like this. Repeatedly being kicked is clearly undesirable behaviour past any reasonable boundaries. Him remaining a silent witness is effectively condoning the behaviour. Annoying in a 3 year old. Potentially disasterous in a 13 year old in due course.

I would probably remove the child for a short period to break the behaviour. I have an older child who sometimes comes in a silly mood and aggravates his sibling, so he will be asked to leave until we are finished. He's older and understands the situation. For a 3 year old, 2-3 mins and just being put out of reach is enough.

That said, removal of child is not always the perfect solution. DS1 had a biting phase at around 2 and was removed... it then emerged that he connected the two actions and would increasingly bite others to signal that it was time to go 🤦‍♀️ I then modified the consequence that he had to sit out in situ for about 5 mins before we would do anything else which did change the behaviour.

This is a salutary warning about children’s perceptions! Thank you for sharing

BexAubs20 · 10/07/2025 12:12

Yourethebeerthief · 05/07/2025 09:58

What a weird thing for your therapist to say. I wouldn’t continue working with someone spouting such nonsense.

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

Came here to say this too. Child in the wrong. Child should be put in time out or punished

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/07/2025 14:05

No councillor would say that. What is all this anti counsellor stuff at the moment?

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