To be annoyed none of my friends have come to my concerts?

[LaChanteuse]

I genuinely don't know if I'm BU. I'm in a choir and we have regular concerts. We're an amateur choir but pretty good and tickets are cheap - all proceeds go to charity. Locations are easy to get to - nothing miles away or with difficult parking etc.

I've been in the choir four years and have done about 10 concerts. DH comes every time (even though I've said he doesn't have to - he is the kindest person in the entire world) and my kids come when they can.

My local friends know when the concerts are on but they haven't come to a single one. If the tables were turned I'd be dying to see them performing - I wouldn't go to every concert but I'd go to one at least. AIBU to be annoyed they haven't made the effort? To be clear these are people I'm close to, not acquaintances.

I am in an amateur choir that’s reasonably good, so I post the advertising blurb for concerts to my friends’ online groups but I don’t specifically invite anyone. Closest friends know it’s on because I casually mention what I might wear etc but I don’t expect them to come unless they want to independently of my participation. Mostly they don’t come!

I have also attended lots of events to support my friends especially if it’s fund raising. But I guess I go because I want to. Maybe I am overly generous with my time, but it’s not worth taking personally imo.

It’s a hobby that you do for your own enjoyment that requires minimal effort from you and is not something that would obviously cause nerves. It course as easily be gardening or quilting.

what needs supporting?

I would find watching a choir boring so have never been to see one even though some friends sing in choirs. It’s not an individual performance. Sounds rather egotistical to want to be seen as an individual in a choir.

And yet these are no longer your friends...

I don't generally watch people sing in choirs, act in amateur plays, run races, play football, dance, swim, do karate, do the gardening, read a book, knit, weight-lift... I don't watch a hobby, I follow my own interests. I might watch an occasional marathon (not all, how many marathons must one human watch?) or perhaps one special play / Christmas carol concert. Otherwise I'll swim with someone, hike with them, weight lift with them... being a participant in a shared experience rather than bored watcher.

Surely the point of the choir is for you to have fun, meet others in the choir, improve your own singing etc. Surely your new choir friends are right there standing next to you. Why do you need another friend to be there too? What do you do with the friends you have today, and why is that not enough?

YABU. My partner is a professional musician but I don’t go to his gigs because I don’t like the music he plays and I’m not interested. I have a couple of friends in bands too and I don’t go to watch them either because frankly they aren’t very good. I wish them very well in their endeavours but I don’t need to see it! I wouldn’t expect them to come and watch me either if the boot was on the other foot. For me friendship is about spending time together doing things you both enjoy, and you don’t have to enjoy (or pretend to be interested in) every facet of each other’s life.

They are interested in what makes your friendship special, the concerts are not it.

Nothing to do with you, the fact they are not interested in choir concerts doesn’t reflect on you. If you were my friend I may walk on fire for you but I would still not go to the concerts. Not a personal interest, not a priority.

Argh. I have a family member in an amateur rock choir, I went once to show willing and they were painfully awful. She thinks they’re very good and continues to invite people.

Some of us have gone once but never again. Awful song choices, cheesy hand dances. I cringed throughout, honestly had to blur my eyes.

They are still very much my friends, after over 30 years, but we live in different countries now. I watch my friend's youtube show and comment, share etc. as the digital equivalent!

I'd go to support my own children and maybe other family members, that's about it.

When I was young, footloose and fancy free and living close to my friends, then I might well have done. But now, with a busy life, lots of responsibilities and not necessarily living within easy travel distance, no, it would have to be something earthshatteringly special or amazing.

@LaChanteusepeople lead busy lives and are time poor. I don’t have time to do the things I’m really interested in doing, let alone indulge my friends in their hobbies..Life is short, we need to be selective, to say no to the things that don’t hold any value for us personally.

Also, there’s a cost of living crises, people have to make choices.

I think you are very lucky to have a partner who supports you, obviously not everyone has that level of consistent support.

No way would I watch someone doing their hobby, nevermind paying to watch it.
It wouldn't occur to me to expect or ask anyone to come and look at me doing a thing I like?

I think it’s a weird thing to expect of friends: come and see me singing and hide your boredom through gritted teeth then say what a lovely evening you had and how marvellous it all was.

I don’t see why this should be a requirement of friendship.

@LaChanteuse In the ideal world of course it would be great if friends came at least once but technically you’re essentially expecting them to come see you do your hobby! I’m sure if the hobby were lion taming or perhaps you were even part of an amateur sports team engaged in competitive play, it sounds more fun to watch so likely at least some may turn up but honestly it wouldn’t even cross my mind to go! I think because it doesn’t really come across immediately as ‘support’ for a friend if that makes sense because what am I supporting lol? You’re an adult whose good at singing and just doing it - how well you perform won’t be reliant on who’s there (unlike young kids who desperately seek out familiar faces in the crowd to give them confidence). Like said if there was any element of competition to give it more of an edge they probably would turn up (since watching a choir unless you have an interest in singing perhaps doesn’t interest many people) but otherwise I wouldn’t really be inclined to go.

That said, maybe if you’re involved in a Christmas choir event, you could formally invite them and have lunch or some such after as I think that might tempt a few out!

I am surprised at many of these responses, and the poll result. I hear you @LaChanteuse and yes I think it's a shame that they can't make a bit of effort to go to one of your concerts now and again.

Try not to be too blue about it though. Nothing you can do about it.

Happy singing! 🤗

It's not something id want to go to id bored out my mind.

This is so true OP. In my teens and twenties yes we all went to support our friends doing things partly because we had so few responsibilities at the time and partly because we were all so socially motivated as at that stage of life. I think you need to understand that your friends may not even think it’s part of friend ‘duty’. Some people might be happy to go, others will show support and friendship in different ways. I would also release my husband from always having to attend if I thought that he didn’t want to go! What a nice man. Don’t take it personally with your friends and their no-show.

You want these people to travel internationally to watch the amateur choir?

Thinking about it, a choir concert is just about the most arduous thing to be invited to see if you have no interest.

You are obliged to sit in silence for the whole thing (plus interval!), pay for a ticket, watch a bunch of amateurs give, at best, a mediocre performance of music you wouldn't choose to listen to, possibly not even be able to pick out your friend in the choir (her voice or even where she is). Hang around to speak afterwards when she's already with her choir friends...

Watching someone run a marathon is easy in comparison.. It's free. You find your spot, have maybe a 20-minute window in which they're likely to pass you, give a little cheer and a wave then fuck off home.

Art exhibition - piece of piss. Look, look, look. Ponder, ponder, ponder. "Oh, this one really speaks to me." Fuck off home.

"I'm in a band." Got to pub. Stand at the back and chat to your friends.

"I've written a book." Order from Amazon. Display prominently on your bookshelf at home. "An amazing piece of work "

Thank you, this is a very nice message. I'm finding the replies really helpful, even if they aren't what I expected, though I find it quite sad that people think it's 'egotistical' to want support from friends. It seems quite a basic thing to me, but clearly I've been quite spoiled! (largely from DH).

A friend of mine was running a workshop as part of a work festival thing recently and I went to it - he seemed quite touched I went, which I was surprised at. I was there, I had time, of course I went. He's my friend!

I’d rather watch paint dry than attend an amateur choir performance. I hate choirs, soooo boring! Unless you sing rap or something funky. But I bet it’s all Auld Lang Syne, Amazing Grace and similar tedious stuff. It’s for old ladies with a perm and Birkenstocks. 😩

I've been in choirs for years and stopped bothering to tell people about the concerts because none of my friends ever come. I get it, I'd rather sing in a concert than watch one. But I still find it a bit hurtful that my friends can't be bothered.

Quite. The danger for friends is that the choir is NOT good and then they're obliged to lie to the OP.

I have a bit of a thing for choral music. A former colleague was in Brighton Festival Chorus and I sometimes got freebies for performances, which I loved.

If it's not your cup of tea though, it must be boring as fuck and therefore I think you're BU.

@LaChanteuse can I ask if you had parents who were never interested in your extracurricular activities as a child? Not trying to armchair psychoanalyse, but the part where you say you turn up for your friends things regardless of how enjoyable you find their special interests or hobbies and disappointed that your friends won’t suck up spending their free time sitting through something they really don’t want to just for you, reads like there may be a deeper issue in not feeling seen.

I do agree with others I’m afraid, I’ve been invited to choir performances in the past from friends and it’s a hard no. Spending time and money on someone else’s hobbies or interests where the outcome isn’t something remarkable would not be something I’d do, but I’d offer to give a small donation at times for a few charities they’re raising for.

I have a friend in a choir. We went to a couple of early concerts when they were worried about the room being half empty to give moral support....but we knew the choir was worried and wanted to encourage.

To be honest, concerts are dull, I don't know the songs usually, seats are not that comfortable and I would rather be out with my friend doing something together. If they are singing somewhere unusual we might still pop along for a look

I must also add that now he is firmly embedded in the choir, and they are established he will of course say hello if he sees us there, but for him it's about the team event, the details of what went wrong, and the adrenaline of performance and he is better in the pub afterwards with other choir people than trying to say all those things to non choir friends.

We always ask how it went next time we see him. I would find the OP view a bit intense and showing a lack of respect for our differences.