To be annoyed none of my friends have come to my concerts?

[LaChanteuse]

I genuinely don't know if I'm BU. I'm in a choir and we have regular concerts. We're an amateur choir but pretty good and tickets are cheap - all proceeds go to charity. Locations are easy to get to - nothing miles away or with difficult parking etc.

I've been in the choir four years and have done about 10 concerts. DH comes every time (even though I've said he doesn't have to - he is the kindest person in the entire world) and my kids come when they can.

My local friends know when the concerts are on but they haven't come to a single one. If the tables were turned I'd be dying to see them performing - I wouldn't go to every concert but I'd go to one at least. AIBU to be annoyed they haven't made the effort? To be clear these are people I'm close to, not acquaintances.

Parents have to go along and support their children's sport matches, concerts, plays etc whether they are interested or not.

Friends have no such obligation

You choose to go along and support your friends which is kind of you but that's your choice. Your friends don't have to reciprocate.

But that’s your philosophy of friendship.

I can’t see whether you’ve answered something several pps have asked — do you explicitly invite your friends to your concerts, not just post the date, venue etc on social media. Do you actually say ‘Laura, I’d love it if you came to my concert?’

I can barely cope with the end of year concert that my kids do, I find it beyond tedious. But then I have adhd and the attention span of a toddler.

I think you make a fair point op. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to turn up once? Say at Christmas or something. Especially if you have reciprocated and turned up to their tennis match or charity coffee morning,

The tricky bit is whether you mention it to them. Or not bother?

Or maybe you just try and be a bit more direct on the WhatsApp group and say something like “hi friends, my choir has this concert coming up in September (give them plenty of notice) and I would really love it if one or two of you could be there and maybe we could go out for a drink or a curry afterwards?”

After that, there’s not a lot you can do. I must admit, I’m quite shocked by the number of people on here who find choral music boring. I know the term “choir” covers a wide range of repertoire and competence but to me there’s nothing better than hearing live choral music. Even if the choir is local or very amateur, there’s usually some aspect of the performance that is enjoyable.

They all know the details. I don't invite directly because I didn't think it was necessary. Given that they haven't chosen to come, I'd assume asking directly would just be awkward?

But why, you seem to accept that they're probably not going to enjoy it. Is this some sort of session to prove their friendship? Why? They're clearly not interested. If they did go, they'd be bored or worse and see it the way you saw their terrible plays. What's the point? I'd hate having someone watching me miserably

Concerts cost a lot to put on, venue hire particularly. Most choirs barely cover their costs tbh. Choir members subscriptions barely cover rehearsal venue hire and paying the MD. Of course they need to charge for tickets!

Having said that, my choir does shorter free performances as part of local events and I feel I have a better chance of friends coming to these, particularly if they're easy to get to /an event they'd go to anyway.

Lighthearted and you sound like a nice person OP, but I can’t help feeling for your DH. 😂

OP I understand.

When we lived in London I sang in a few choirs, but they were famous choirs of a really good standard (BBC Symphony Chorus, Crouch End Festival Chorus) and I was always more excited when I knew that a friend would be in the audience.

I mean despite the fact that we sung most of the Proms, I loved it when a friend came.

But you must take on board the fact that lots of people can't bear choral music.

A couple of years ago, DH and I went to a play in our village which a friend had enthusiastically taken part in.

It. Was. Fucking. Awful.
Just dire. But I had to pretend to my friend that we'd enjoyed it.
🤣

This.

Well, I’ve heard it too, many times, and was in my 20s (and a confirmed atheist) the first time, but that’s a professional choir singing astonishing music beautifully, not an amateur choir doing jazz hands while singing ‘La Isla Bonita’.

I

I definitely wouldn’t go to every single one (I don’t think DH needs to either) but I would absolutely go to at least 1 (as long as it didn’t cost too much).

I even go to colleagues performances when they’re doing plays on stage, even though I’m really not a fan of plays.

It’s just nice to be supportive.

Have you said that they’re welcome to attend?

It sounds silly but sometimes I can be oblivious/don’t pick up on social cues and I would sometimes assume that if you wanted me there you would explicitly say it.

Concerts cost a lot to put on, venue hire particularly. Most choirs barely cover their costs tbh. Choir members subscriptions barely cover rehearsal venue hire and paying the MD. Of course they need to charge for tickets!

Not to mention the cost of the orchestra........

It's not about measuring, or proving, or testing friendship. It's just a difference in how I see friendship in comparison to others.

I do understand that people are busy or don’t have the money etc but I would be hurt if in 4 years none of my friends attempted to try and come.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having to attend a concert or choir out of duty. Just not my thing. Now jazz, rock, a definite yes. We all have different tastes and your friends possibly don't have the same taste as you.

Just because you are a friend doesn't mean they have to be interested in everything their friend does. They are not "you" clones, and don't have to approach life in the same way you do. You may have gone to activities you weren't interested in, but there was no reason that you had to; and there is no reason they have to attend yours just to prove they are really your friend.

Aww OP, I know a lot of people on here seem not to be, but I’m on your side!!

Even if they found it dull and boring, it’s about supporting YOU. Sometimes we do things like this for friends. I’m a primary teacher and when I was in year 6 for a few years, I put on an end of year leavers show for the pupils, and it was always a huge job to organise. Every year a small group of my friends would come along to support ME. I’m sure them watching a load of teachers do silly skits and dramas aimed at 11 year olds was hardly the highlight of their social calendar, but they came to support me and all the work I’d done. Similarly, one of my close friends works for a business and she does a lot of motivational speeches at events, and will often invite me to go along and watch her. I don’t find it particularly scintillating but it means a lot to her to have me there.

Well, but as matters stand, they have zero idea that them attending is any kind of big deal to you, they just think you’re sharing information. You’re hurt that they don’t see ‘supporting you’ as a key element of friendship, but they simply don’t see it that way. If you want friends at your events, you’re going to have to ask them to come, or come to terms with not having them there.

They are saying that "what if they came to one of your performances and you did not match the expectation they had of you, based on how good they think you are from what you've said to them - how would you expect them to move forward if they thought you weren't 'all that' "?

One thing I have noticed from your comments OP is how you say many times how you would / do feel if / when the boot is on the other foot. That is not being objective, that is saying how you would feel, based on you. It is not looking at it based on them.

For example (and this is a stupid dumbed-down version of events) if you were to ask my husband how he'd feel if our washing machine broke down, he'd give you a much more positive response than I would, on account of the fact that I do the washing and he doesn't. A faulty washing machine would never be an issue to him. Asking him how I'd respond would yield a different answer.

As for supporting friends at their performances, I am biased, because I come from a mother who didn't hold back as to how much she hated seeing children perform and how she never liked going to see us at school (no matter what were doing) and had nothing good to say afterwards either, so I don't really 'get' the whole need to be seen / supported by those close to us - if I want to do something, I will just do it. However, I will support friends as far as I can - I would be willing to see a concert within the boundaries of what I am comfortable with, I would be unlikely to go to anything where a hobby is discussed at length among other enthusiasts (I don't mind admiring the end results, but I am not interested in learning the processes), and I would be very, very unlikely to attend anything sports related as I have no interest in any kind of sport.

I also have a lot of embarrassment seeing some people perform / all dressed up. It is totally my problem, but it doesn't change how I feel. There are certain life events for which people get dressed up for, and I cannot bring myself to look at the photographs of them when they are out on show. Totally, totally on me, but that's how it is.

All of this. They are not mind readers, nor are they so invested in your hobby that they are queuing up to see you.

Or, they think you're so good that you don't want them them - after all, they've never been asked.

I agree. I have friends who are supportive by default, so I should just appreciate them more! I have one work friend who comes to every networking thing I organise just because she knows how hard it is to get these things off the ground. I don't invite her, she just comes. She is a star and I adore her. She doesn't know about my choir but if she did she'd probably come to that too.

You only have to read thread like this to see how so many see what used to be considered basic acts of friendship/relationship as an intrusive obligation.
No wonder there's a loneliness epidemic. People are more isolated than we used to be and some of the time that's a choice.

Actually I agree with this. If you think a particular friend would enjoy a particular concert, then do invite them individually. They will be more likely to come that way IME

I've been in a choir for 9 years. DH and the kids have come to see me at about 1/3 of the concerts. Friends have come twice.

I overheard an audience member leaving a show one time saying "well, the choir seemed to enjoy it". And it's true - the performances are for the choir. It's an amateur group, a hobby. Sure there will be some good singers, but they're (we're) not professionals. It would be nice if your friends showed you support, but really it is very much not the same as going along to watch a professional performance. And if they have older kids, they probably did a lot of that over the years and feel they have done their time.

Choir shows are for the choir rather than the audience.