To be annoyed none of my friends have come to my concerts?

[LaChanteuse]

I genuinely don't know if I'm BU. I'm in a choir and we have regular concerts. We're an amateur choir but pretty good and tickets are cheap - all proceeds go to charity. Locations are easy to get to - nothing miles away or with difficult parking etc.

I've been in the choir four years and have done about 10 concerts. DH comes every time (even though I've said he doesn't have to - he is the kindest person in the entire world) and my kids come when they can.

My local friends know when the concerts are on but they haven't come to a single one. If the tables were turned I'd be dying to see them performing - I wouldn't go to every concert but I'd go to one at least. AIBU to be annoyed they haven't made the effort? To be clear these are people I'm close to, not acquaintances.

Sorry OP but choirs are dull unless they’re a professional outfit. Even then…

They’re absolutely everywhere ever since that tv show years ago, they’re all amateur outfits with not very good singers whose voices are smoothed over by being in a group- that was the point of the original show. Add to this that most people don’t give a shit about watching a choir sing… well it’s certainly not for me.

My aunt sings in a choir. There’s bloody millions of them and I just don’t get it. I can’t pick her voice out from the group and the music is bloody boring.

Good on anyone doing what they enjoy but you can’t except people to come and listen. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad friend.

This makes me appreciate my lovely DH even more! I know he has zero interest in any of the songs but there's no way he'd miss a concert because he loves me and wants to support me.

It wouldn’t occur to me to come and watch you, tbh, not unless you specifically asked. (But then I would come!)

If you had a solo, that might be different — but it just wouldn’t occur to me that coming to watch you singing with a lot of other people singing at the same time would be a supportive thing to do. (That may well make me a rubbish friend, I realise!)

I’d go to — I don’t know, an art exhibition, if I had a friend who had their work on display — but to me that’s different because I could single out their work for attention, if that makes sense.

Your DH sounds lovely!

I'm musical and play 3 instruments, but am not into choir music at all, especially amateur performances that I'd have to PAY to go and see! Your DH clearly goes out of obligation rather than enjoying it.

I agree with others that your measure of friendship is just different to others. I don't feel any obligation to see Jean doing her hobby, or Bob in a marathon etc!

But this was when you were growing up.

The older we get the more creeps into our lives and takes up our time and energy.

Partners, children, jobs, running a house, caring for elderly parents, our own hobbies and issues.

We all only have so much time and energy and people’s plates are already full enough with their own shit. Having to factor in friends hobbies just isn’t the priority.

Sorry but I think your ideal of what Friendship entails is rather more intense than most.

I have mental image of a mass of people charging around going to this, that, and the other and its quite scary 😂

Depends on your stage of life. I’m at the small kids/stressful as f*ck stage. I also have a friend who performs in a music group and I’ve never been to see her because I’m juggling so much crap in my life. If I didn’t have kids (or had older kids), I would go in a heartbeat. My reluctance doesn’t mean I don’t like my friend.

I went to my sisters the once when she invited me we arnt close so I thought it was nice of her she hasn't invited me since I wouldn't dream of just showing up though

I don’t blackmail with guilt (at least, not intentionally!)

my children were quite musical and as a family we had a policy that we always went and supported the person in the concert/performance. So it meant my kids did have parents/grandparents etc in the audience but equally my ExH sang in a very posh choir and my kids and me sat through various requiem masses/opera stuff that wasn’t necessarily to our taste.

now my kids are grown up we don’t do it quite so much but it’s still nice to go and support people. My son is now a professional musician so pretty good to listen to (although he is interested in some quite niche aspects of jazz) and my DD is a reasonable singer.

so I do kind of feel with family this is something we’ve done for a long time.

friends is a bit different - I have a lot of acquaintances through various hobbies (mostly musical in some way admittedly) and it’s quite common at rehearsals for people to say (for example)
hi, I also play in a Mongolism nose flute orchestra and we’ve got a concert on Saturday if anyone wants to come along leaflets are on the table.

but then most of my hobbies are musical - I sing in two choirs, play in a brass band and a recorder group and most people who are involved in music are at least prepared to consider going to concerts,

I’m also going to see a friend in a play in September to maybe I’m the odd one out…

If you've told them you'd like them to come then it's poor of them not to bother but otherwise they might just not think to come if it's not their thing.

I did think YABU but if you say it’s the norm in your friendship group to go and support and you’re the only one that no one has bothered doing that for then maybe I get why you’re upset.

have you actually messaged them and said “choir concert on next Thursday at 7pm would love for everyone to come and watch”

I would never go and see an amateur choir. They’re always far worse than they think they are and I say that after years of singing in them 🤣 so on that basis YABU and sound a bit precious tbh

Have you actually invited them, or suggested particular events you’re doing that they might enjoy? I think you are expecting a lot if you want them to independently choose an event and buy tickets, but if you invited them and made the arrangements they’d probably be happy to be involved occasionally.

I’ve been to a couple of things like this to support friends, but honestly, if it’s not something I’m bothered about doing then I’m not going to go if I know my friend already has her husband and often children going for them. If I’m going to support a friend then it’s because their husband can’t go for some reason or because they don’t have support from a partner.

I've thought about this myself - although, unlike you, I'm one of the many people who would like to write novels but hasn't actually done anything about it yet!

If I ever do manage to do it, I don't think I would tell anybody apart from my immediate family (i.e. my own household).

I would much rather think that people who don't know me and don't 'owe me' any loyalty would stumble across a book by (to them) some random person and decide that they wanted to read it purely on the strength/interest level of the book.

I can't think of anything more cringeworthy than people feeling duty-bound to buy/read something they hate and/or that doesn't interest them in the least - and then feeling obliged to lie about how much they liked it (or find euphemisms to mask it).

TBF, I don’t go and watch him when he does a marathon. I think we both have memories of having to go and watch our parents do those things, so we let each other off. Because we love and support each other.

Yes, emotional blackmail is a great way of drawing the crowds.

People are busy, and it’s not like they’ll actually get to enjoy your company while you’re singing in a choir. I’ve dragged my husband along to see his mum in her choral concerts a couple of times because she’s close family and could do with the support since being widowed. But I wouldn’t do it for a friend because I just don’t have the time. If they’re keen to spend time with you in other circumstances I wouldn’t take is as a rejection, just that watching your choir is not a priority for them, it doesn’t mean that you personally are not a priority for them. Your husband goes and that should be enough.

I absolutely love live music but really not interested in choirs. If I had unlimited evenings free (no children/older children) I would make sure I went to support you on the odd occasion if tickets were very cheap (a few quid) or free. But as someone with a toddler and limited time to be able to go out in the evenings, it’s not something I’d spend a rare child-free evening doing. If you did free events during the day, at a village fete for example, I’d take my child along to that to support.

I think it's a bit weird that they expect members of the public to pay to watch an amateur group?

My mum and friend were in a couple but the concerts were always free. Or if it was part of a larger event the choir members were given free tickets to give out. Surely the choir charges an entry fee. So why charge on top of that for tickets. It's off-putting. I'd say that might be one of the reasons they won't go.

Are you my friend? Whenever I’m visiting her area she’s always inviting me. Watched when I’ve been staying with her but honestly I don’t listen to music, listening to a choir bores me rigid.

I play football every week and we got into a cup final, I don’t expect friends to come and watch me play, and they don’t! We are all still friends.
Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse that going to watch a choir

I have gone a long to a few amateur dramatic performances due to various friend's performing. However, I have gone, because I liked the particular play/musical they were performing in. If they'd been performing in a production of Hamlet, then the likelihood of me going would have been zero! It may depend on what type of choir you sing in...church music, gospel, unknown artist music or music that's easily recognisable? I'll be honest, unless the choir were singing instantly recognisable music, I wouldn't go.

That isn’t what Op is saying though is it?
if a friend is regularly performing it’s nice if friends spare a little bit of their time and show support, even if a choir concert isn’t really their thing.
Op I sing in a choir too and same scenario, outside of my family my friends rarely show an interest (although the occasional one has come along)
Are you inviting them directly or just vaguely assuming they know so they can turn up if they want to?

If a friend was playing in a charity football match (I hate football) I’d show a polite interest but not even consider going if they just talked about it generally.
If, however, they specifically said “Ian it would mean a lot if you came along” then yes I’d make the effort.

You must be quite sensitive because how is that any different to “birthday party at mine next Saturday at 7pm would love for you to come”

Have you invited them?