DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

DSD did actually run London Marathon this year for a charity linked to the illness my mum passed of.

That's a really caring and lovely thing to do.

Yet a performative attendance at a funeral is what you're focusing on.

Awful behaviour on her part.

exactly, I can't believe people are equating it with a holiday, i.e. something that lasts much longer, is far more expensive and is booked well in advance, to something that is on for weeks, and she didn't even have tickets for!
She could have queued and just missed out!

Same

I’m re quoting this just because this little drip-feed of yours might get missed amongst everyone slating your step-daughter and calling her all the names under the sun. Running the London Marathon is a huge, huge achievement. She honoured your mother whilst she was living.

Bet she’s happy to spend the 15k though. Life is sometimes awful but you need to not be so bloody selfish.

Sorry for your loss.

The lying is bad, but nobody has to go to anyone’s funeral. I really dislike them and find them awful, I only went to one grandparent’s funeral because I was too young to have a choice. The only people I would feel obligated to go to is my parents and siblings, and even then if there wasn’t the social obligation I would prefer to remember them alone, in my own way. When I’m dead, I don’t care what happens and I would prefer my grandkids to be off having fun.

Your DD replying “how was work?” To her story isn’t going to be productive at all. You should talk to her and let her know how you feel, and I do think she was wrong for lying. If it was me, I’d focus on the lying thing and not the what she was doing. The lying is the issue.

Good for you.

This thread is not about you, though.

Maybe it's benefit of the doubt here- she had the plans for a while. Its your DD that has shown you, so presumably you don't actually follow her. If she hadn't had the plans, thought she was working then decided to go spontaneously, it just came up and she wasn't intending to lie? And if she did actually get the tickets last minute, but decide to lie and say she was working, then post it online, well you have no way of knowing but in situations like that I always think its karma in future.

She may have felt uncomfortable or indifferent about funerals. I remember my first one in my mid 20s and I'd rather have done anything BUT go to the funeral.

She isn’t obliged to go to the funeral. I do wonder if she already learned of her 15k inheritance? The bad part is lying saying work as an excuse and then posting on socials, otherwise engaged. Surely she knows you / DD would see her socials though which makes me wonder if she wasn’t lying and maybe there was confusion about work times / original shift which she may then have been able to swap to go to Wimbledon

Agreed, and how wonderful OPs mother was alive to bear witness to her doing this too.

Fancy putting herself on Instagram. She’s clearly not very bright, as well as selfish.

We are seriously fucked as a society, judging by the number of people that think this is acceptable behaviour.
OP I’m so sorry for your loss, your “darling” stepdaughter is an absolute selfish cow, I would struggle to maintain a relationship after her actions today.
Your lovely mum though, treating her the same as your children.
Thats what you should take away from this, that your mum was an incredible person x

It's a thread about a collection of people's opinions?

This woman has run a marathon to raise money for a charity related to OPS DM. Not exactly someone who's completely uncaring. I think the type of person to leave their step grandchild monry is also not the type of person to call the same person unpleasant names because they didn't attend their funeral

What makes you say that ? If I knew that my step sister had told a bare faced lie to get out of paying her respects to a woman who was kind enough remember her in her will and treated her equally to her own grandchildren, I think it would be very difficult to keep that to myself. clearly DD has higher moral standards than DSD.

“We all grieve differently” I mused, uploading pictures of the fantastic day I’d had to social media.

I’ve just seen the London Marathon thing. Maybe I was overly harsh.

Would it have been her first funeral? Some young people I’ve known have actually been quite scared of attending the first one, so I can see how she might have been easily persuaded to swerve it.

She still shouldn’t have put herself all over SM though.

Has she been to a funeral before?. My DS went to his first one 20, my DH insisted and he got so upset I now respect his decision if he doesn’t want to go to another one for a while or even at all.

Running the London Marathon is a huge, huge achievement. She honoured your mother whilst she was living.

Exactly.

The way the OP has framed this combined with her daughter's stirring shows the apple hasn't fallen from the tree.

How many other relatives have trained for the London Marathon, run it, and raised money for a charity connected to OP's mum's illness?

That's much more of a commitment and way of showing love and respect than attending a funeral.

You would have been none the wiser if your daughter hadn’t shit stirred, perhaps because she’s annoyed that she doesn’t get a bigger share of the inheritance because her step sister is getting an equal share.

Quite frankly, I would address the jealousy between the two step siblings as being more of an issue than who goes to the funeral or not.

It’s interesting that people assume the presence of inheritance requires funeral attendance. It’s almost as if people think it buys control.

She’s messed up by lying, and I suspect that’s the part deep down that’s hurt you.
But could it be that she had been looking forward to Wimbledon & the concert for a long time, and of all the dates the funeral could’ve been on, it clashed?
Did you ask her if there were any dates she couldn’t do? It seems her attendance was important to you, so would be an odd omission of not.
We always do a round robin of important guests to ask for ‘any dates to avoid?’ Of course you cannot fit around everyone but it helps to know in advance if there’s preferred dates.

Agreed.

what a horrible comment. The dd lost her grandmother, and is supporting her upset mother (OP). She probably hoped her stepsister, who has been in her life since she was 9, and whom she probably looks up to, would be there to support her, but understood that she had to work. Then she finds out not only did SS lie to her, but that she was so unbothered about it that she posted stories on social media showing her having fun with her friends while the DD was probably crying at her grans funeral.

And, tbh, I'm a grown woman and I'd be pissed off if my inheritance was halved to be shared with someone who couldn't miss out on one day of a sports event that lasts for weeks and happens every year, so I think it's unsurprising a teenager wouldn't feel a bit annoyed.

No, she probably shouldn't have told OP, or at least left it a few days, but she's 17.
I find it odd that people are giving a grown woman a free pass for lying to her family and being insensitive and selfish but are happy to call a bereaved child names....

So why lie then ? Because that indicates she knew how the truth would be perceived.

She’s just messaged the family group chat, basically saying that she is sorry, she didn’t intentionally lie. She was supposed to be working today but yesterday in the office many of them were chatting about Wimbledon and her colleague who was meant to have today off, stopping her from having the day off, offered to swap so she could go to Wimbledon.
She said it had slipped her mind the funeral was today.

I don’t know if I believe her, but I appreciate the apology.