DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

If I died and you made someone show up to my boring funeral instead of a fun event they'd planned with their friends, I'd haunt you.

A lot of funerals are shown online now and available afterward.

She could do something herself to renember her and show gratitude for the money.
She could write down her memories of her. Sponsor a bench, Sponsor a kennel in your local animal shelter, run/walk a marathon for charity, etc.

Of course she was intentionally stirring things up. What else was she hoping to gain by revealing that she wasn’t
where you thought she was?

Your Dd is loving the drama....

Your daughter sounds dreadful tbh.

Sorry For your loss,OP.

I genuinely thought you were going to say she was 17. At 24 this behaviour is really low. The lies and disrespect must really hurt. And your DH’s defence of her is embarrassing. He really thinks it’s fine for his adult daughter to lie about something important like this? YANBU.

How far down the list is your stepdaughter? If she isn't near the top of people that have to be prioritised (and totally fine that she isn't) then I don't see why she has to lose out on the concert and Wimbledon to prioritise this instead.

Well, I'm fairly sure that even if the mother wasn't bothered on her own behalf about her stepdgd being there for her own sake, she'd realise how upset her dd (OP) would be at her funeral and would (reasonably) expect her family and loved ones to rally round if she needed/wanted it (which OP did).

Sorry for your loss.

I think she was probably trying to spare your feelings and your DD is stirring when she should just be trying to keep your path smooth.

Is DD upset that DSD inherited the same as her? The money is irrelevant when it comes to the funeral, DSD didn't ask to be left money and inheritance isn't a pre-payment for funeral attendance. Would you have been less disappointed in her if your mum hadn't also left her £15k?

She's disgusting!
You see many threads here by people complaining that their in laws or parents don't like their step children as their own. Let this be a warning.

She probably wouldn't have got a day off for the funeral of her stepmother's mother, so would have had to take annual leave. I can imagine a young foolish person not wanting to give up a precious day of AL for this, particularly if they had already made plans. The fact that she was then foolish enough to put it on social media having said she couldn't get time off shows she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I wouldn't make a fuss, but I would let her know that it hurt that she wasn't honest about why she couldn't come. But be aware that it will probably cause a fall out between her and your DD for letting the truth be known. People always shoot the messenger.

The inheritance is a red herring. Plenty of people don't know what/if they are being left anything by the time of a funeral. It was very generous of your mum to treat her the same as your daughters, but it wasn't something she had any say in.

Lol, of course she was stirring.

I appreciate that the funeral isn’t the only way to honour someone and DSD did actually run London Marathon this year for a charity linked to the illness my mum passed of.
However we would have really appreciated her to be there today or at very least honesty as to why she wasn’t.

Nobody is obliged to go to anyone’s funeral ,… you can remember someone in anyway you choose, and that doesn’t have to be stood in a room, with a load of other people.
The inheritance isn’t a payment for grief … the more your grieve the more money you get.

I don’t want a funeral, loads of people feeling obliged to turn up .. no thank-you.. much sooner people remembered me whilst dancing at a concert.

No point in being angry about it …

I think it's indefensible really. Really poor behaviour and your DH needs to check his own reaction to this. It's hurtful and really disrespectful to you and to the memory of your mum who was kind enough to leave her money that she could have given to her bio grandchildren.

If she'd explained about the concert tickets and been upfront I'd have had no problem with her going. If she was a teen it would be more understandable but she's a grown adult.

Sorry for your loss x

Doesn't sound like the DSD was remembering the step gran much tbh.

Funerals are awful. I think a young person should be at Wimbledon or a concert rather than at a funeral.

I wouldn't be overly upset about not coming to the funeral. Life is for the living and I would much rather people be enjoying themselves than attending funerals. I think funerals have their place for people who want to go to them but no one should ever feel they have to.

BUT I would be majorly pissed off about the lying.

We probably wouldn’t have picked another day, that’s true. Graduations and holidays of closer relatives would take priority.
However she went to Wimbledon on Monday, goes most years. The service was in the morning so she would have been able to get a morning train to Brighton, afternoon back and still go to the concert.

Why?

If I chose to leave someone money, that I don't need because I've died. I dont care if they go to my funeral or not. I'm not leaving them money as payment for their attention. You can care about someone and not go to their funeral

The inheritance.should have provoked a decent sense.of shame.in DSD

You dsd didn’t meet you or your mum until she was 16 and almost an adult
Her relationship with your mum might have been nice but I doubt it was genuinely very close, credit to dsd if she made it appear so
Lovely of your mum to leave her something along with her siblings but it shouldn’t come with strings
She lied to try to save your feelings at a difficult time

I would concentrate on your own grief and let her be

Agree

I am really disturbed by the horrible names your step daughter is being called. We don't know how she felt about becoming part of a new family at 16. It's her private choice how she chooses to honour your mum. If she doesn't feel like she wants to honour her I'd question why rather than call her a c**t.

She sounds awful. What a shame your mum left her the money.

The level of self involved you need to be to say this is astonishing.