DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work. I'm not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on

And when she didn't have to work, she should have attended the funeral out of love and respect.

Shes sorry now, because its easy to SAY sorry

Actions are the important element

Me? I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

I'm afraid my feelings for her would be changed now "when someone shows you who they are....."

Actions, not words.

Personally I think this. Also tickets may have been bought for a while, expensive etc.. She can pay her respects another way, another time.

Money being left is kind on the grandmothers part, but wasn’t her decision. I’d hope she is grateful, time will tell. I don’t think attending, or not attending, a funeral is necessarily indicative of gratitude.

Again, shame she felt she couldn’t be honest. She must have known she’d get caught out. Did the know you wouldn’t respond well?

How was your DSD’s relationship with your mum when she was alive, that’s probably more important.

Not very nice of her especially as she could have gone to the concert after the service. She sounds immature and selfish and I am sorry for your loss.

I agree! Not many people could say that 15k isn't worth having.

I don't go to funerals. They trigger me and make me ill. If that's selfish then so be it. I wouldn't judge anybody who doesn't go to a funeral.

Sorry, OP, I realise you’ve posted several times since. About she could have made the concert, typically goes to Wimbledon anyway.

She called you directly, which is unusual, and like you say, it is possible she forgot about the funeral… Knowing they make her really anxious, would you have heavily expected her to be there if she was initially able to go?

Maybe this will be a life learning lesson for her. You had lots of other support by the sounds of it?

I am sorry for your loss, and glad you’re going to try to move past this. Only you’ll know if she’s got form, or if this was a genuine oversight.

Given the OP's reaction, I'm not surprised she lied. She knew everyone would judge her. Attending a funeral should not be dependent on whether or not you have been left anything in the will. I have attended funerals but not been left anything - does that mean I shouldn't have gone? I would turn in my grave if I thought my daughters gave themselves the pressure of getting together on the date of my death every year, and I don't want a grave they feel obliged to visit. They should be living their own lives, not missing out on things because I died on a certain day. I would prefer they think of me every so often, perhaps when they're in a predicament and ask themselves, "What would Mum do?" (and then do something else...) - and I have made my feelings clear to them. What they decide to do is up to them, and I won't know, thankfully. I have no idea what date my Dad died - not even the year - but he pops into my head most days, making me smile or roll my eyes at his antics. I wasn't at his cremation, because he died in Spain and I couldn't afford to get there with 2 very young children, and he was cremated within 2 days. I have half his ashes (don't ask!) in their original parcel in the shed, and I say hi to him every time I go in the shed. He spent the night in the Co-op when he arrived through the post, because it was outside delivery hours. He would have loved that 😊. One (very windy) day, my daughters and I will go up onto the Downs and scatter them - although he's been in the shed for 9 or 10 years... People have very different approaches to death; that's a personal choice. My friend's family assembles every year on the dates of her parents' deaths, and they all go to the cemetery to pay their respects. That, to me, seems very artificial; today we will pay our respects, (so that we don't have to bother the rest of the year...?). That's their choice - and I get that it's also an excuse for a family get-together - but it's not for me. I also don't care whether others judge me. I adored my dad, and that is not changed by how I remember him, or whether I went to his funeral.

Me? I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

Withholding the money would illegal. That's a frankly stupid suggestion.

You can't pick and choose when to follow the law based on your opinion of someone's choices.

I wonder if she’d already been given or knew about the 15k inheritance at this point. If not, she should not be allowed to have it. It should go into a savings account until she grows up and stops being a selfish little girl.

She can't be "not allowed to have it". You can't use a legally binding document like a will to teach someone a lesson in this way.

It would be completely illegal. It's quite staggering the number of people suggesting the OP do so.

I agree and this would go against step grandmas wishes.

the money wasn’t gifted as a prize for attending the funeral.

@Ownedbykitties

If it was someone close to you though you would surely? no one WANTS to go to funerals, they are inevitably sad and make people feel uncomfortable feelings. But if everyone decided they weren’t going people would have nothing and no one when they died which doesn’t feel right

Direct cremations are becoming more the thing nowadays with families getting together afterwards to celebrate life and share memories.

I hope one day the sight of a hearse with a coffin and black cars trailing behind at 5mph will be a thing of the past.

@Gloriia Whether the person themselves or the family chooses a get together following a direct cremation or a traditional funeral isn’t really the issue here though.

In either case, I think people appreciate it when friends and family make the effort to show up if they can at all.

It would feel right to me, I’m not going to have a funeral.

I guess she won’t forget to spend the 15k

The last I heard from my SGD was when she phoned the solicitor to say that she'd not been able to cash her cheque. (A much smaller amount than 15k.) She wasn't mentioned in DH's will, but he had asked me to give her "a couple of thousand".

I suppose that's reasonable since the letter from the bank would have told her to contact the person who issued the cheque, but it had been signed by me.

Posters still fussing about this £15k, I didn't realise you bought someone's attendance at a funeral.

You obviously don't buy someone's attendance, but there are some bizarre ideas about familial relationships and inheritance.

As I said upthread, my SD's partner complained to me that my husband's ex had been left "everything" by her partner. According to the SD's partner, the fact that his child had called the ex's partner "Grandad" meant that he'd been obligated to leave something to her.

That was the first that I realised that there are people who look upon relationships in purely transactional terms.

I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

Aside from the fact that would be illegal
It also goes against the wishes of the person who left the money.

There is no correlation between being able to attend a funeral and being left something in a will.

What a ridiculous thing to suggest.

I’m amazed at the number of posters who have suggested this. It’s actually illegal.

15k is a substantial amount of money. It’s not a question of buying someone’s attendance at a funeral unless that’s stipulated as a condition of receiving the money. It’s a question of respect.

No. I wouldn't go. Someone close to me would be worse. I find them traumatic. People can judge me for that but I wouldn't judge others for going or not going.

Money is irrelevant. You don’t ‘earn’ inheritance. It’s given freely or not at all.

I find this very precious.

I think that OP mentioned the inheritance as an example of just one of the ways in which her mum had always treated OP's step-daughter like one of her own grandchildren. That sounds pretty unusual and extremely kind of OP's mum.

Most of the posts on here about how step-children/step-grandchildren are treated by their non-blood related family are tales of woe relating to not being invited to weddings, being deliberately excluded from family photos and in some cases, people making complicated arrangements for inheritance to ensure that none of the step-children or step-grandchildren will benefit from the inheritance by a single penny, even if it means disinheriting their own children.