Page 24 | DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

GillieLo · 2025-07-04T20:12:16+00:00

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated. I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren. DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24. Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan. AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k? I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!! DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Cherrytree86 · 06/07/2025 19:52

Ownedbykitties · 06/07/2025 18:17

No. I wouldn't go. Someone close to me would be worse. I find them traumatic. People can judge me for that but I wouldn't judge others for going or not going.

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@Ownedbykitties

and you think no one else wouldn’t find the funeral of a close loved one traumatic?? It’s a day all about the person who has died- paying respects, remembering them, honouring them. Nobody enjoys it or likes going to funerals - you don’t feel more deeply than anyone else - but sometimes it’s not about us and how we feel, it’s about putting our own feeling aside to honour the person who has just lost their life especially if they have been close to us in life.

Outsideswimbabe · 06/07/2025 20:26

Cherrytree86 · 06/07/2025 19:52

@Ownedbykitties

and you think no one else wouldn’t find the funeral of a close loved one traumatic?? It’s a day all about the person who has died- paying respects, remembering them, honouring them. Nobody enjoys it or likes going to funerals - you don’t feel more deeply than anyone else - but sometimes it’s not about us and how we feel, it’s about putting our own feeling aside to honour the person who has just lost their life especially if they have been close to us in life.

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Not that I have to explain myself but I will because you do not seem to understand trauma. I lost both my parents a few years apart when I was a child. Funerals in these circumstances were no comfort to me, quite the opposite. I do understand from your perspective. Can you try and understand it from mine? I have been to funerals over the years and each time I am ill afterwards. I'm at an age now where I have decided not to put myself through this anymore. It's a huge relief. There are people I know who relish going to a funeral. They love to talk about it to anyone who will listen for days afterwards, somehow trying to virtue signal. Very sadly, a young boy accidentally drowned a little while ago. Suddenly everyone seemed to know him well. There's some sort of strange attraction where death is involved for some people. I also think that there is a lot of money being made from people trying to show that their loved one is given "a good send off " which usually involves large amounts of money being spent on expensive coffins that end up being burned or buried and a wake with plenty of food available afterwards. So, all's I can say is you do you. I won't judge you or your beliefs. But I will do what's best for me after years of looking after others both professionally and personally.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 06/07/2025 20:51

Outsideswimbabe · 06/07/2025 20:26

Not that I have to explain myself but I will because you do not seem to understand trauma. I lost both my parents a few years apart when I was a child. Funerals in these circumstances were no comfort to me, quite the opposite. I do understand from your perspective. Can you try and understand it from mine? I have been to funerals over the years and each time I am ill afterwards. I'm at an age now where I have decided not to put myself through this anymore. It's a huge relief. There are people I know who relish going to a funeral. They love to talk about it to anyone who will listen for days afterwards, somehow trying to virtue signal. Very sadly, a young boy accidentally drowned a little while ago. Suddenly everyone seemed to know him well. There's some sort of strange attraction where death is involved for some people. I also think that there is a lot of money being made from people trying to show that their loved one is given "a good send off " which usually involves large amounts of money being spent on expensive coffins that end up being burned or buried and a wake with plenty of food available afterwards. So, all's I can say is you do you. I won't judge you or your beliefs. But I will do what's best for me after years of looking after others both professionally and personally.

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Sorry to read this. Sending love and well done for looking after yourself.

Outsideswimbabe · 06/07/2025 21:07

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 06/07/2025 20:51

Sorry to read this. Sending love and well done for looking after yourself.

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Thank you. That's very kind of you.

GloMum · 06/07/2025 21:33

@Outsideswimbabe so sorry for what you went through. The difference between you and the DSD of the OP is you’re approaching this matter with honesty and openness. I would never be mad if someone with a similar story and integrity proceeds as it’s good for their mental health

aniloD · 06/07/2025 21:39

I would have done the same as your stepdaughter (except I wouldn't have lied about it).
She hasn't disrespected anyone. Funerals are awful but useful for the living who choose to go. Going out of duty respects no one.
AND if anyone is at fault it is those who judge her for not going. (Granny doesn't care and nor should you)

Cherrytree86 · 06/07/2025 23:58

Outsideswimbabe · 06/07/2025 20:26

Not that I have to explain myself but I will because you do not seem to understand trauma. I lost both my parents a few years apart when I was a child. Funerals in these circumstances were no comfort to me, quite the opposite. I do understand from your perspective. Can you try and understand it from mine? I have been to funerals over the years and each time I am ill afterwards. I'm at an age now where I have decided not to put myself through this anymore. It's a huge relief. There are people I know who relish going to a funeral. They love to talk about it to anyone who will listen for days afterwards, somehow trying to virtue signal. Very sadly, a young boy accidentally drowned a little while ago. Suddenly everyone seemed to know him well. There's some sort of strange attraction where death is involved for some people. I also think that there is a lot of money being made from people trying to show that their loved one is given "a good send off " which usually involves large amounts of money being spent on expensive coffins that end up being burned or buried and a wake with plenty of food available afterwards. So, all's I can say is you do you. I won't judge you or your beliefs. But I will do what's best for me after years of looking after others both professionally and personally.

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@Outsideswimbabe

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

pollymere · 08/07/2025 08:25

I went to my Dad's funeral. The internment of his ashes was organised without my knowledge and on a day we'd booked to go to Legoland. I realised my Dad would have much preferred we take his DGC to Legoland than standing around a grave so we celebrated his life at Legoland. I don't think my DB made the date either.

I suspect Wimbledon/Concert was already in the calendar when DSD realised there was a clash. The thing is, if I had GC, I'd not want them to give up something that amazing for my funeral either. Your DSD has managed this with the tactlessness of someone in their early twenties but I'm sure the love she had for your Mum was very real. And some people genuinely can't cope with funerals.

WearyAuldWumman · 08/07/2025 12:34

pollymere · 08/07/2025 08:25

I went to my Dad's funeral. The internment of his ashes was organised without my knowledge and on a day we'd booked to go to Legoland. I realised my Dad would have much preferred we take his DGC to Legoland than standing around a grave so we celebrated his life at Legoland. I don't think my DB made the date either.

I suspect Wimbledon/Concert was already in the calendar when DSD realised there was a clash. The thing is, if I had GC, I'd not want them to give up something that amazing for my funeral either. Your DSD has managed this with the tactlessness of someone in their early twenties but I'm sure the love she had for your Mum was very real. And some people genuinely can't cope with funerals.

The concert was in the afternoon and the DSD could still have attended. She queued for the Wimbledon tickets on the day.

latetothefisting · 08/07/2025 17:09

aniloD · 06/07/2025 21:39

I would have done the same as your stepdaughter (except I wouldn't have lied about it).
She hasn't disrespected anyone. Funerals are awful but useful for the living who choose to go. Going out of duty respects no one.
AND if anyone is at fault it is those who judge her for not going. (Granny doesn't care and nor should you)

Okay granny can't care now but you've got no idea whether she would have cared one way or another if she'd been asked before she died if she'd have appreciated people taking a mere hour or two out of her day to think about it.

Even if she didn't care for her own sake presumably she'd want her dd (op) to have the support she felt she needed/wanted.

If people's wishes count for nothing once they're dead why do we bother writing wills at all?

I disagree that going out of duty respects no one. Why? Lots of things are done out of duty. Lots of jobs wouldn't run without people having a sense of duty and care rather than working strictly to rule. It's very selfish and individualistic to think unless something brings me personal joy and satisfaction it's not worth anything.

aniloD · 08/07/2025 18:48

latetothefisting · 08/07/2025 17:09

Okay granny can't care now but you've got no idea whether she would have cared one way or another if she'd been asked before she died if she'd have appreciated people taking a mere hour or two out of her day to think about it.

Even if she didn't care for her own sake presumably she'd want her dd (op) to have the support she felt she needed/wanted.

If people's wishes count for nothing once they're dead why do we bother writing wills at all?

I disagree that going out of duty respects no one. Why? Lots of things are done out of duty. Lots of jobs wouldn't run without people having a sense of duty and care rather than working strictly to rule. It's very selfish and individualistic to think unless something brings me personal joy and satisfaction it's not worth anything.

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And your opinion is no more valid than mine.

Thatsalineallright · 09/07/2025 13:31

latetothefisting · 08/07/2025 17:09

Okay granny can't care now but you've got no idea whether she would have cared one way or another if she'd been asked before she died if she'd have appreciated people taking a mere hour or two out of her day to think about it.

Even if she didn't care for her own sake presumably she'd want her dd (op) to have the support she felt she needed/wanted.

If people's wishes count for nothing once they're dead why do we bother writing wills at all?

I disagree that going out of duty respects no one. Why? Lots of things are done out of duty. Lots of jobs wouldn't run without people having a sense of duty and care rather than working strictly to rule. It's very selfish and individualistic to think unless something brings me personal joy and satisfaction it's not worth anything.

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I completely agree. The number of people who see it as an unfair imposition to spend a couple of hours at a funeral blows my mind. Someone has died but they care more about concert tickets.