DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

It’s all fine, except for the lie - the occasion compounds it and I’d struggle in my relationship with her. You need to talk it through with your DH and she needs to understand what she’s done

It’s really disrespectful - is the money ‘set in stone’ via a will or is it a letter of wishes that can be revised? I’m so sorry she’s behaved this way, must feel like a punch in the gut to you and your children. If your oh doesn’t see that I think you know where his moral compass is at. If she didn’t want to attend she could have spoken to you privately but to be so brazenly non caring to be posting on social media - wow, what a cow.

You’re going to hurt yourself with that reach.

Why performative ? Some of the comments here make me despair about the kind of society we’re living in.

I believe her.

She sounds a decent person, running the marathon was a really nice thing to do.

Emotions always run high on the day of the funeral.

Sure. We all believe her. Not!

Why not show her this thread, OP, where you've whipped up five pages of criticism and dreadful comments about her?

When the time comes i would not wany any of my loved ones missing out on things fir the sake of my funeral.

We are all well aware of how much we mean to each other now, whilst alive

Society isn't going to collapse because people do not want to attend funerals 🤣

What a load of fuss over nothing.

I find it more concerning that a step-mother has posted this hugely outing bitch about a family member. There are some specific details that mean this is likely to get noticed if a tabloid picks it up.

And some are suggesting the executor breaks the law by withholding the inheritance! Ridiculous.

I can't believe people are being so obtuse and ignorant about the inheritance. It's nothing to do with 'buying attendance' or "owing"' gratitude or love or whatever. OP's purpose for including it was clearly to demonstrate that this wasn't a case of a token relationship, i.e. the death of someone the SDD barely knew and was only related to via her father's marriage, but that her mother treated SDD exactly like her own grandchildren ws someone the SDD knew well, and there was a strong, loving relationship (well, at least on one side).

But that doesn’t mean she couldn’t have paid her respects and supported her grieving family at the funeral. And clearly she knew it otherwise why did she feel the need to lie ?

You should edit the OP to mention that she literally ran the London marathon for a charity linked to your mother’s illness. That is a hell of a lot to do for a step grandmother. Does it say in your mother’s will that the 15k inheritance is conditional on her attending the funeral? Your mother obviously loved her very much, and to be honest I doubt your DSD ran 26 miles for someone she didn’t give a fuck about. I can’t believe people want to take that form her… Surly overriding someone’s will is worse than skipping a funeral.

No, I'd stick to calling out the lie.

Otherwise the OP runs the risk of making this about resentment over money being equally divided among the grandchildren - and I hope it isn't about the money.

The lie is surely the only thing that matters here. To a certain extent the H is correct (albeit glib) that everyone grieves in their own way.

@GillieLo I think all of this is a big deflection so that you don’t have to dwell on your actual loss. You loved your Mum and she loved all your DC. Think of her, not this drama.

Yeah, she’s apologised via group chat - that’s heartfelt (sarcasm)….better than nothing though… at least you know where you all stand in the priority list. So sorry, for your dd in particular.

Literally the point. Her step mum lost her mum. People go to funerals to support other living people.
Although, I think I would want to go to a concert too, especially one which is as expensive and waited so long to attend. I would have felt torn, and not sure what I would have done at 24.

OP, put your anger aside, focus on grieving your mum. Give it time and see if she apologises/ explains. There's nothing to be gained from holding on to this.

At least she has expressed some regret. Probably best to believe her or at least act as if you do. Take care x

By the way, your mum must have been extraordinarily kind💐💐💐💐

Maybe the OP should tell us how much her stepdaughter raised for charity? Maybe it could offset the inheritance in some way.

/sarcasm.

and there was a strong, loving relationship (well, at least on one side).

So the stepdaughter ran the London Marathon because she was indifferent?

I think the run for your mum when she was still alive , for a linked charity is a much better way to honour someone. Your mum also saw that. She doesn't know who attended her funeral.

She shouldn't have lied but if she'd said I don't like funerals I've got concert tickets in the evening and I'd planned to go to Wimbledon during the day, I don't think you would've reacted any more positively.

I also don't think any level of inheritance buys funeral attendance.

It slipped her mind the funeral was today?
Shes lying again, through her teeth.
I think her explanation makes it worse.

And you are a misogynist. Imagine calling a young woman who didn’t ask for an inheritance from someone they weren’t related to such nasty words, I would suggest looking at your own principles before making judgement on others. As for ‘so many leaving the elderly to the care of low paid workers’, again you mean women, don’t you. Because it’s always a woman’s place to be kind, caring and compliant at whatever cost to herself. Your issue with the care system should be with a government and social care system that will categorically deny any help to those who need it because we still live in a society that still expects women will be emotionally bullied and guilted into caregiving as if it’s our birth given duty.

I don’t believe it was right to lie to you op, but I’m sure your stepdaughter didn’t want to cause ill feelings by simply saying outright that she didn’t want to go to the funeral. Leaving an inheritance was a great kindness, but the familial relationship is evidently not one your step daughter feels was the same as what you may view it as. She’s not a monster, it’s just hurtful on top of the awful grief you are experiencing that your step daughter may not have seen her new extended family as much as actual family. It doesn’t mean she’s in the wrong herself and money shouldn’t be used as the key factor here.

And along come the mothers whose relationships went down the plug hole and who can’t find any sympathy or consideration for a stepmum…

perhaps she would have run the marathon anyway, or if the mother wasn't ill, have run it for a different charity? It's incomprehensible to me, but millions of people run them for fun. It's not as if she donated money herself, when you say she ran it "for" OP's mum all you're saying is that other people gave her money.
It's not as if she was forced to run for 26 miles, the LM is hugely oversubscribed because so many people want to do it.

Interested in your use of ‘performative’ ….running the marathon is brilliant as is the money it raises…. But I’ve yet to meet anyone who didn’t actually really enjoy the experience and love the attention by product. That’s as it should be, but let’s not pretend that the marathon is some altruistic Everest. Sorry.