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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2025 21:37

A bit insensitive at the very least, and she should not have lied. Your DH should be having words about that if nothing else. I hope she apologises. I’m sorry for your loss op.

Lins77 · 04/07/2025 21:39

Roosch · 04/07/2025 21:36

Sorry for your loss.

This is why we should not consider step children and step grandchildren as our own - because they don’t care about you.

OP, make sure you leave your step daughter out of your own will. Tell her your mum had left her money but she really doesnt deserve it.

Extreme generalisation there! That may be the case in some families, but certainly not in all.

PrincessofWells · 04/07/2025 21:39

Honestly, it seems some people have no idea how to behave . . .

redskydelight · 04/07/2025 21:39

ButteredRadish · 04/07/2025 21:31

Even the funeral of a person who left you £15k?!?!?

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I'm fairly sure that everyone I know well enough to leave me that sort of money would tell me to go the Wimbledon and the concert and not bother with the funeral as they were dead anyway.

EquinoxQueen · 04/07/2025 21:40

Forget about the inheritance, what you mum has done with that is very kind. It is also a red herring.

where the issue is is her dishonesty telling you she had to work when in fact she queued for Wimbledon and went to a gig. Whether you think she should have gone to those things is largely irrelevant, she is a grown up who can make choices and suffer the consequences (which does include making you upset). The problem is she has lied, and let’s be honest, not very well if she has plastered it all over social media.

this is one of this occasions where you need to speak up and to her (not through your DH). She made the decision, you can tell her it upset you and that her deception is actually worse than the fact she went.

id be inclined to ask her how work was, let her dig a hole and ask about Wimbledon and the gig.

in any event you need to communicate that her actions have made you feel incredibly upset and as a result you are disappointed in her and lost trust and respect. It is ok to be honest about your feelings.

Goldbar31 · 04/07/2025 21:41

I think that’s shocking. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:41

EquinoxQueen · 04/07/2025 21:40

Forget about the inheritance, what you mum has done with that is very kind. It is also a red herring.

where the issue is is her dishonesty telling you she had to work when in fact she queued for Wimbledon and went to a gig. Whether you think she should have gone to those things is largely irrelevant, she is a grown up who can make choices and suffer the consequences (which does include making you upset). The problem is she has lied, and let’s be honest, not very well if she has plastered it all over social media.

this is one of this occasions where you need to speak up and to her (not through your DH). She made the decision, you can tell her it upset you and that her deception is actually worse than the fact she went.

id be inclined to ask her how work was, let her dig a hole and ask about Wimbledon and the gig.

in any event you need to communicate that her actions have made you feel incredibly upset and as a result you are disappointed in her and lost trust and respect. It is ok to be honest about your feelings.

I believe my DD has replied to one of the stories with “How was work?”

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 04/07/2025 21:41

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

They are indeed for the living and perhaps the OP had hoped for her DSD's support there. Possibly the DSD doesn't really feel close to her - or maybe she simply thought her stepmother had enough support.

My husband warned me that his kids and grandchild wouldn't come to his funeral. I realised afterwards that he was warning me that they wouldn't support me.

Windinmyhair · 04/07/2025 21:41

Whilst lying wasn't great....

You moved the funeral around some of the family's 'fun' activities - holidays etc.
She probably knew you wouldn't be able to accommodate her but also big things like concerts and wimbledon plans feel important (and shouldn't really be considered any less important than holidays - they are functionally all choices of leisure activity). She probably didn't think through the emotional importance for you of her attending.

I

PeapodMcgee · 04/07/2025 21:42

To a lot of people, funerals are mawkish, morbid, expensive and senseless rituals that are nothing more than something to be endured only because people will be upset if you don't go. Why do we put ourselves through it? The concept of "paying your respects" is meaningless. It's a societal pressure that she has had the intelligence and independence to dodge. Good for her.

Cruel of your daughter to crow about it.

youreactinglikeafunmum · 04/07/2025 21:43

Wow. That's fucking nasty of her, op. Shes 24 and old enough to know how to behave.

I'd be really angry with her and with your husband for not forcing her to go.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming (which I dont suspect in this case), yanbu in the slightest.

I'm sorry for your loss. ❤️

Try to hold off on giving her a piece of your mind for now, as you're grieving. Make it clear youre pissed off with both her and your husband though.

minnienono · 04/07/2025 21:44

I missed my grandads funeral to go to Glastonbury - my grandad would not have wanted me to miss it (and my grandmother said go) my mum wasn’t impressed

Miyagi99 · 04/07/2025 21:44

It’s a shame she lied as maybe another date could have been discussed and it’s sad if it has upset you, but going to a funeral is a choice, the last few deaths of people I know haven’t had a funeral at all, so I wonder if the traditional funeral is somewhat on its way out, and maybe it’s starting to be viewed slightly differently nowadays.

Sally2791 · 04/07/2025 21:45

Really poor behaviour. Doesn’t matter that your mum won’t know, it’s disrespectful to you and the rest of your family.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/07/2025 21:45

redskydelight · 04/07/2025 21:39

I'm fairly sure that everyone I know well enough to leave me that sort of money would tell me to go the Wimbledon and the concert and not bother with the funeral as they were dead anyway.

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Most people would hope, however, that you would support the person who had been bereaved. As I've said above, the DSD possibly thought that the OP had sufficient support, but I totally understand why the DSD's behaviour stings.

latetothefisting · 04/07/2025 21:45

Wishitsnows · 04/07/2025 21:29

It’s not her relative so she probably isn’t grieving. She will no doubt feel sad in her own way just doesn’t feel the need to be there

most people don't feel a "need" to attend funerals, they go to support their loved ones. Given she seems to have a decent relationship with OP, it would be a bit of a dick move to have skipped the funeral rather than going to support her and her step-siblings even if she hadn't had any sort of relationship with OP's DM, let alone when the DM had been so kind as to treat her like her own grandchild. Even if she isn't grieving, it's a mark of basic respect.

It's not as if wimbledon is a one-off, she could go any other day, or next, or any year.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/07/2025 21:45

PeapodMcgee · 04/07/2025 21:17

Funerals are horrible, not compulsory, and I would rather everyone went to Wimbledon quite frankly.

Edited

They are also a mark of respect and pay tribute to the loved one that has been lost, as well as support for the family of the deceased. DSD clearly knew exactly how it would look if she told the truth, so she lied. She took the money but couldn’t be bothered to pay her respects.

ragandbonewoman · 04/07/2025 21:46

I’m sorry for your loss OP, it’s so raw and soon. Unless your daughter is very young, she’s totally out of order for stirring things up like that at such a difficult time. What was to gain by showing you those posts, especially now?! Very selfish and thoughtless.

DSD should have prioritised her step Grandmothers funeral and shouldn’t have lied. But the money has nothing to do with it, it’s about the relationship and clearly they had a good relationship, so she should have paid her respects. Try not to let this blow up
into something massive that divides your family though. I’m sure your Mum wouldn’t want that.

Theunamedcat · 04/07/2025 21:46

Ungrateful and entitled i would remember this

My dd (25) got up at 5am to catch many trains to attend the funeral of her GREAT aunt her nans sister and no she wasn't left money in a will but she cared so she came

Original poster
GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:47

latetothefisting · 04/07/2025 21:45

most people don't feel a "need" to attend funerals, they go to support their loved ones. Given she seems to have a decent relationship with OP, it would be a bit of a dick move to have skipped the funeral rather than going to support her and her step-siblings even if she hadn't had any sort of relationship with OP's DM, let alone when the DM had been so kind as to treat her like her own grandchild. Even if she isn't grieving, it's a mark of basic respect.

It's not as if wimbledon is a one-off, she could go any other day, or next, or any year.

Show quote history

She went to Wimbledon on Monday too, and has been I think every year I’ve known her! It’s hardly a once in a lifetime experience for her!!

OP posts:
Roosch · 04/07/2025 21:47

WearyAuldWumman · 04/07/2025 21:41

They are indeed for the living and perhaps the OP had hoped for her DSD's support there. Possibly the DSD doesn't really feel close to her - or maybe she simply thought her stepmother had enough support.

My husband warned me that his kids and grandchild wouldn't come to his funeral. I realised afterwards that he was warning me that they wouldn't support me.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear.

This is how it always plays out - step kids and step grandkids will not care about you at all when we are old @Lins77. Just something to be aware of so don’t leave them any inheritance and adjust your kindness towards them accordingly.

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 21:47

Was she consulted when you were looking for a date for the funeral?

redskydelight · 04/07/2025 21:47

I think the differing views on here reflect the polarised views about funerals.

Some people consider them an important ceremony and a way of showing respect to the deceased.

Others consider them a way to give closure for the living and to allow them to grieve.

Others think that there is nothing more you can do for the deceased and that grieving relatives will need support over more than just a couple of hours, and that a formal funeral is unnecessary.

The last group is becoming more numerous as evidenced by the growing popularity for direct cremations.

I don't think DSD should have lied, but if she wasn't important enough to be considered in setting the funeral date, I don't see her absence as a huge deal.

MsTamborineMan · 04/07/2025 21:48

Also BST in Hyde Park is a festival, it's multiple big artists and starts about 3pm. She will have spent a lot of money and been looking forward to it for a long time.

You accepted accommodating other relatives holidays. Quite rightly as grandchildren/neices are more important than step grandchildren. I genuinely don't think you need to skip a big event and Wimbledon to go to a step grandparent funeral

Original poster
GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:48

ragandbonewoman · 04/07/2025 21:46

I’m sorry for your loss OP, it’s so raw and soon. Unless your daughter is very young, she’s totally out of order for stirring things up like that at such a difficult time. What was to gain by showing you those posts, especially now?! Very selfish and thoughtless.

DSD should have prioritised her step Grandmothers funeral and shouldn’t have lied. But the money has nothing to do with it, it’s about the relationship and clearly they had a good relationship, so she should have paid her respects. Try not to let this blow up
into something massive that divides your family though. I’m sure your Mum wouldn’t want that.

DD is 17, I think she’s still learning the boundaries, I don’t think she was intentionally stirring things up but she had been hoping DSD would be there as they are fairly close.

OP posts: