DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Yes of course you would.

Except she didn’t buy the tickets for the tennis until the morning of the funeral.

And OP said she could have attended the concert after the funeral.

DSD said she didn’t lie, she told the truth as it was at the time of speaking with OP.
Later she forgot about the funeral, she said.

Not twisting - just asking really as it seems a bit dramatic. But I realise that everyone has different feelings and experiences of funerals. It’s just my own feelings (which are also valid) that not everyone wants to go to a funeral and respects can be paid in different ways.

Thank you. And to add that it looks like she may not have even known about the money, funerals make her anxious and she called and apologised. Hopefully all will be ok with them.

I would be upset that she couldn't tell you the truth but it will have been booked for a good while and people do grieve differently and not to a timescale.

I don’t think many people enjoy going to funerals. Unless she was a child, had an anxiety disorder, was extremely distressed by the death, or had some other good reason I think she should have been there to pay her respects and support family members.

I also hope they’ll be okay and it sounds like OP is sensible. DSD is still young and the young can be very thoughtless sometimes. She may not have had the experience to realise how important this was. It was really poor form of her though.

You post said 'are you unhappy she was treated the same as the others' that's you putting it back on OP. No, she's upset that DSD cared so little she chose tennis over a funeral for a lady who clearly cared about her. Respect clearly wasn't paid in any way here. I'd honestly be ashamed if I was DSD, a phone call wouldn't cut it. OP is clearly a very kind and forgiving person if she's willing to move forward.

I’m sorry you don’t like my response. But the OPs post is in AIBU so I have the right to ask questions to try to understand. She literally asked - AIBU. So yes I can “put things back on OP” but I’m not twisting anything.

You can ask, she doesn’t have to answer.

This is the 2nd thread in 2 days where someone has been upset that someone else was going to Wimbledon rather than a funeral.
I'll say the same on here as on the other thread. If people have something on, and are going to that event (be it a concert or Wimbledon, or, as you mentioned earlier holiday or graduation) where it is an event you can't change the date of, and people arrange the funeral on that date, then the funeral arranger can't expect them to be there.
I've had to arrange funerals. I get it is hard to find a slot at the crem, or date the Vicar or celebrant you want can make it, that also suits the immediate family members, but if a person isn't close enough for you to arrange it round what they have on, they they aren't close enough for you to have a 3 line whip on them attending.
YABU. I don't want to be harsh as you've just lost your Mum, but it is your Mum, not your DSD's.

This same DSD did an amazing event to raise funds in honour of your Mum earlier this year.

The need to be at a funeral is different for different people. I appreciate the opportunity to go to a funeral and spend time with other people who knew the deceased - it feels like a rite of passage and gives me some closure, but I am aware other people don't feel the same. Even feeling as I do, if I had tickets for a gig or the chance to go to something like Wimbledon, then I would still go to the gig / Wimbledon.

I hear what you're saying, but the DSD would still have been able to make the concert and she actually queued up for the Wimbledon ticket on the morning of the funeral.

Very disrespectful of her and some of the responses here excusing her behaviour show how selfish and self absorbed a lot of people have become. She absolutely should have apologised. Your mum was not some passing stranger and sounds to have been lovely to treat your SD equally in her bequest.

She was wrong. How inconsiderate and rude.

Funerals are attended out of respect, clearly she has none.

Ha ha ha. Who said she did?

Spot on

Thank you for a sensible response

You don’t queue from 4am if you already have tickets. She didn’t have any. She didn’t even have a guarantee to get in.

Agreed.

@PeapodMcgee
If she was dodging because of her “intelligence and independence” she should at least have had the courtesy to acknowledge that.

I don’t know that she did dodge.

She said she forgot.

That seems likely because of the social media posts. Unless of course she’s completely insensitive or socially unaware, but in that case she probably wouldn’t have bothered apologising.

I defo think its uncool to miss a funeral to queue for tickets

If youre being honest...I think youre in a very privileged position to say £15k isnt a life changing amount of money, and privileged to be able to afford to return it or give it to charity.

That's a deposit on a house, or an upgrade to your living situation, a car. If you dont have a lot £15k is the difference between security and not, comfort and not.

Youre lucky to be able to afford that moral perspective

@ARichtGoodDram Ahh ok, I misread that bit. Still despicable of her to choose Wimbledon over supporting her stepmother and step-siblings though. I wonder if she’d already been given or knew about the 15k inheritance at this point. If not, she should not be allowed to have it. It should go into a savings account until she grows up and stops being a selfish little girl.

Agree. Confront her.

So sorry for the loss of your mum.
I've read all your updates and I think her story seems believable, and she did the right thing in apologising.
She also sounds like a great person in that she ran the marathon in honour of your mum. That's a lovely thing to do

I think you're absolutely fine to have been honest and say you were hurt, but I'm things are good and relations haven't soured. Sounds like your mum raised a lovely caring daughter and your family are lucky to have you.