DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

It is becoming more common and absolutely acceptable tbh to miss them. I'm a firm believer in pay your respects and make an effort when someone is alive not pitch up to an event for someone you haven't been arsed to speak to for years.

I think rightly the fake ritual of funeral is wearing out.

I don’t think it’s bad that she was at Wimbledon and a concert instead of the funeral. It’s not great she lied about it. But was obviously scared you’d shame her for not wanting to go.

I'm not answering to try to 'improve OP's life'. Her original OP said 'AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn't come to my mum's funeral'. I'm giving my opinion based on that. What a weird question to ask me.

But this is a close family member. Someone who the OP's mum treated as a grandchild.

I'm English, and I agree with you. A DSD would be considered a close relative. If my DSD didn't come to my mum's funeral for Wimbledon I genuinely wouldn't be able to forgive them.

You wouldn't go to your grandmother's funeral if you had concert tickets?

I think I need to leave this thread now, it's too depressing.

i very nearly didnt go to my dads funeral and even now, six years later i am not over his death and i genuinely thought my heart would give out so wanted to save myself from it.(i did end up going in the end!)

however, maybe its different cultures but i can not imagine going to a concert or any event on the day of funeral? i get it that it means nothing to those who have died, but was she not upset she lost somsone who clearly cared for her as one of her own grandkids? in my opinion, it is disrespectful.

I didn’t go to my step-grandmother’s funeral and I’d known her my whole life. I don’t know how to explain it except I felt quite neutral towards her. I did send my stepmother a thoughtful card and some flowers and also sent cards to her biological grandchildren to say I was thinking of them.

Awful.

@Bullseyeyee

yep, it’s all OP’s fault.

@Makingitupaswegoalong

Not your finest hour.

So sorry for your loss OP. Your mum sounds a wonderful woman who could have taught DSD a thing or two about doing the right thing.

Same. I’d never forget.

We also attend some funerals to show support for our loved ones who have lost someone they loved. She should have been there for OP as her stepmother as well as her SGM who presumably had a close enough relationship with her to give her £15K in her will.

Really shameful behaviour. I would be saddened and wonder where I went wrong if one of my DC ever behaved like this.

Fake ritual?
In what way is a funeral fake?

You may think it’s acceptable to miss a funeral in these circumstances but clearly many disagree. I think you might just be making up your own rules when you say it’s “becoming absolutely acceptable” to miss this sort of occasion. Just because you think it should be that way doesn’t mean it is. OP has clearly been very hurt by DSD’s behaviour. It’s not acceptable behaviour in her family and that matters.

Step Grandparent.

Step grandparent who treated her step grandchild like her other grandchildren. Step or not, she clearly cared for OPs DSD and therefore DSD should have enough respect to attend her funeral not go to bloody Wimbledon instead!!!!

At the very least, she could have spared the jolly social media updates.

I'd be devastated of my (admittedly imaginary) daughter's step daughter doesn't attend my funeral.

No, wait, I wouldn't, because I'd be dead. I'd probably not actually care if she attended a party while I was alive either as I'd only known her a few years before she was an adult.

And while your mother seems very kind to have left her money that was probably more out of good will than any true feelings. So you just really want your step daughter to come and "show respect" , but why and to whom? You mother doesn't know and maybe, just maybe your mother would prefer be happy than forced to be there pretending to care.

Funerals are fine if you genuinely believe the deceased knows you're there or you have some sort of religious ideas regarding them, but for the rest of us, why do we have them? I've told DH he isn't to out the children through it if I go first. I think they're creepy and pointless. I won't be there and as a family we can't afford thousands for a fancy box to be stuck in the ground.

How about respect for her step mother and father then? And if she really cares that little maybe she should refuse the 15k.

She didn’t choose to get the inheritance and is not the biological GD and probably spent a lot of money on the tennis and concert. She’d ran the marathon which was lovely and her way of paying respects. That’s a massive thing. It’s not compulsory to attend a funeral. You do t have to attend one to get inheritance.

are you unhappy that she was treated the same as the others? Do you think she should have got less/none.

I agree the lie wasn’t great but I imagine she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

I would return the money, if they’re left to me by someone I didn’t feel particularly close to. It would be fair for their children/gc to benefit.

Course you would.

Urgh. Don't twist and turn this back on the OP. Her feelings are valid. The DSDs behaviour was terrible. No, she didn't choose to have inheritance but she could have turned it down. How her sisters and step mother can get past this I don't know. I'd never feel the same about DSD again.

15k is not a life-changing amount, what matters here is the kindness. I would surely give back to the family, or donate to charity.