DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

I'm wondering how many posters have lost loved ones, especially parents.

Funerals are strange things, admittedly. Sad occasions, but also a time for extended family and friends to get together.

I can only speak for myself, obviously, but when my dad died I was devastated. The funeral was an important part of the grieving process. It helped me to remember him as he'd been before his illness, remember the full life he had led, all the friends he'd made, the loving family he left behind.

Each time someone acknowledged my loss and said a few kind words was precious to me. I liked hearing stories about him, some of which were new to me.

If I'd been alone at the funeral - if everyone else had decided to go to Wimbledon or wherever instead - it would have hurt me more than words can say. It would have been deeply traumatic at an already very difficult time.

That's disgusting of your DSD. I have step children and I'd struggle to get over this one tbh. The money is irrelevant, the lack of respect to you and your mother is unforgivable at that age.

wow. I kinda hope this is internet bravado or else it’s a pretty cold relationship. Hopefully he won’t waste 5 minutes being sad if you go first!

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

You don't just go to a funeral to pay your respects to the deceased, who she clearly had a relationship with, you go to support the people you love and care about as they grieve someone incredibly close to them.

It is selfish, she should be supporting her sister who has lost her Nan, you who have lost your Mum and her Dad who has lost his MIL.

I haven't forgiven people very close to me who didn't attend my Mum's funeral for flimsy reasons, but I am Irish and funerals are a BIG deal.

Lying is also a highly unattractive quality so maybe someone should do something about the step daughter as well.

Unfortunately, I was in a situation where I was on my own at my husband's funeral. It was lockdown and I was allowed 20 there.

I was told that his son and DIL couldn't come up because the son had been told to shield. His daughter told me that she couldn't come because she had adult onset asthma. She didn't want her daughter to attend because it would be too upsetting. (Travelling wasn't an issue for the daughter - she was 20 and had just come back from a term abroad.) To be fair, the concern about the granddaughter was that her father had died when she was a child and - according to her mother - she had never cried, so she was concerned as to how the funeral would affect her.

I did have some friends there and three of my cousins but they were already in bubbles, so I had to travel in the funeral car on my own. The only people who could have possibly bubbled up with me were DH's daughter and granddaughter.

Instead, I was asked whether my husband's ex could represent them. They all watched online.

A fortnight later, the son actually attended another funeral closer to his home. (A member of his partner's family actually died of Covid.) I totally understand that it was easier to organise that, but it still stings.

I acknowledge that there were very unusual circumstances and I'm only the woman who married their dad, but I don't think I'll ever get over it.

I'm glad that the OP had her family with her on the day.

Absolutely. To all the posters who have said stuff like this: Please speak to your children/close relatives if you seriously consider doing anything to restrict what they can do when you are gone. You will be gone and won’t know any different, but they will be left to process the loss of you and you should let them do that in whatever way they choose. They may decide to do what you would have wanted (my grandmother’s funeral was definitely tinged with heartfelt sadness but also we were careful to celebrate bringing scattered family together to remember her and treasure our shared connections, as she would have definitely have wanted) but at least they’d have some agency in the decision. As everyone keeps saying, the funeral is for the living not the dead.

Sorry I should also have said sorry for your loss. I was just so angry reading your OP and I can't believe anyone is defending the DSD in this situation. I wouldn't be able to speak to them again after this. It's truly awful behaviour and I can't believe your DH is defending it - shes 24 years old! He should be having a serious conversation with her about her priorities.

Possibly a silly question but did she know this was expected of her? Had it been discussed or was it assumed she would attend. I personally wouldn’t be too hard on someone who didn’t wish to attend a funeral although I also appreciate we’re all different in terms of closeness of family.

Wow, what a harsh post

No doubt written by a happy and well-loved poster

I dont think its bad she went to Wimbledon if she had tickets already. Tbh if id had tickets when my grandma died shed have been looking down furious with me if I missed Wimbledon for her funeral.

But I think its terrible she lied and then posted it on SM. That was hurtful and not cool.

I think OP said that DSD hadn't booked the tickets until this morning.
OP knows that DSD wasn't at the funeral, and it would have been comforting to have her feelings considered. But hey, DSD is young and probably not thinking in that way.

And that was kind of her but I don’t think the inheritance was payment for affection.

Your DH’s response was very sensible, I think he’s right.

And how will that improve the OP’s life?

I'm glad she's apologised.

But it doesn't mean she was disrespectful, just that she was (understandably imho) dealing with it differently to you.

Funerals aren't perhaps the thing for younger people that they might be for older people. She probably didn't think it would be a huge deal to you that she wasn't there.

I missed my own grandmother's funeral as I was on a preplanned trip to Italy. I had a moment for her in the Vatican as it happens. Maybe some people raised eyebrows, it never occurred to me to cancel the trip. People do grieve differently.

Don't let this come between you.

You are very gracious and it’s good that your DSD called you in person to apologise. Whether she truly forgot or not is one thing. But she clearly realised that she had hurt you and tried to fix it.

I am very sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort in your family 💐

its not their relation, and funerals are for the living not the dead, so it’s annoyed you not your mum.

My partner couldn't give a whatsit whether anyone came to my funeral (which I won't be having, but that's a separate issue). He knows that people's real life is way more important than all the performative "paying respects" stuff. I'll be dead, he'll have to sort out paperwork etc. That's it. No need for anyone else to be involved.

I really think the saying people grieve differently is overused - it’s more that some people are not grieving and are prioritising other things, but want a saying that still sounds good. No one thinks going to Wimbledon is a good place to connect with loss and sadness and it’s insulting to OPs intelligence if you think she’ll buy that.

Absolutely this.

I can’t quite get my head around people saying it’s okay to miss a funeral. Wonder if most people saying this are English, as I’m British but a different ethnicity/culture and when someone dies, someone as
close as DSD would absolutely be expected to come. The funeral only happens once and is your last chance to say goodbye - I can understand a prebooked event stopping you from going but even then, most family I would cancel the tickets to attend their funeral. If they aren’t that close I’d still make every effort to go to either just the service or the wake, it’s just a respect thing. Finding this blasé attitude towards funerals really strange… of course if it was the deceased who wasn’t bothered about funeral attendance that would be different.

It’s the lying that’s the problem, not the actual decision not to go.