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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 05/07/2025 16:03

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 15:50

Oh and typical misogynist anti-stepmum stuff on here too - basically op as a step mother is supposed to treat her step child as her own, prioritise her etc etc but she cannot expect even the most basic of things back in return, stepdaughter not obliged to do anything for her. Yeah, nah

Yes that's pretty much how it works with both step and bio parents. We prioritise them but can't always expect it in return.

It'd be nice but the worse thing is to make it such a big issue. I understand that is what happens with grief, we all project a bit.

whitewineandsun · 05/07/2025 16:05

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:25

Friendly just means being nice to each other. op was even shocked when DSD phones, because she doesn't usually. There's clearly not much of a relationship so I'm not sure why DSD would be expected to provide support.

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Yeah, that jumped out at me. But they may text? I don't know. The only thing I would have a problem with was DSD lying.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:12

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 16:03

Yes that's pretty much how it works with both step and bio parents. We prioritise them but can't always expect it in return.

It'd be nice but the worse thing is to make it such a big issue. I understand that is what happens with grief, we all project a bit.

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@Gloriia

well maybe OP needs to start prioritising herself a bit now eh?

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:12

@Gloriia

well maybe OP needs to start prioritising herself a bit now eh?

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For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

Lemonysnipit · 05/07/2025 16:22

GillieLo · 05/07/2025 11:05

DSD has called me this morning, which isn’t really normal for her in the first place usually she would call her dad.

She was very apologetic and explained that when she asked her manager for the day off originally she was told no as she works in a small team and her colleague was already off that day. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to swap.
She then said that generally she doesn’t really find comfort in funerals, they make her anxious and panicky, so that is probably part of the reason as to why she didn’t fight harder for the day off.

Fast forward to Thursday everyone in the office were chatting about Wimbledon and queuing, she mentioned she couldn’t as her colleague was off and she couldn’t get the day off. She said it has sort of slipped her mind that the reason she knew her colleague was off was because of the funeral. The funeral is longer than normal after death so I see how that could happen. Her colleague overheard and offered to swap.
She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work.

I’m not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on .

That makes it worse! Her colleague swapped based on DSD needing to go to a funeral and she decided to go and do what her colleague had planned? She’s despicable.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:24

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

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@Digdongdoo

i hope she does!

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:35

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:43

Would she really have liked her to have been there? Or does she just think she ought to have been there? Because there's a big difference.

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OP says
”However we would have really appreciated her to be there today…”
and
”I do wish she had been there and think she was selfish not to be, but I do love her…”

It sounds like she’d have liked her to have been there imho.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:40

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

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OP has said she loves her DSD and also that her DSD and DD are fairly close.
So we know that.

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 16:41

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:07

It's a step grandmother she only knew as an adult. Barely a family member in my opinion.

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I agree with this, step daughter has her own grandparents, this is her dad’s new wife’s mum that she met as an adult.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:43

Is 16 adult in the UK?

I’ve a I6 year old, still an awful lot of growing up to do.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:44

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 16:41

I agree with this, step daughter has her own grandparents, this is her dad’s new wife’s mum that she met as an adult.

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Exactly. And FWIW I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel disappointed, but I don't think DSD is unreasonable either. It's just a mismatch of expectations at a difficult time. Which OP is handling very well imo.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/07/2025 16:45

That makes it worse! Her colleague swapped based on DSD needing to go to a funeral and she decided to go and do what her colleague had planned? She’s despicable.

The colleague heard them talking about Wimbledon and offered to swap. Not the funeral.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 16:45

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 16:41

I agree with this, step daughter has her own grandparents, this is her dad’s new wife’s mum that she met as an adult.

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Who treated her the same as her other grandchildren, including the same amount of inheritance. OP's mum sounds like a lovely kind person who welcomed OP's step-daughter into the family and I hope that she had a lot of genuine mourners at her funeral.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:46

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:43

Is 16 adult in the UK?

I’ve a I6 year old, still an awful lot of growing up to do.

But she's also not a little girl who would latch onto another mother figure either is she?

Bufftailed · 05/07/2025 16:46

I’d be mad at this. What I’ve realised is going to a funeral is as much for other people, the closest relatives as for the person.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:47

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:46

But she's also not a little girl who would latch onto another mother figure either is she?

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I didn’t suggest that she was latching onto mother figures.

Tekknonan · 05/07/2025 17:18

3luckystars · 04/07/2025 21:20

really though? Would that include all relatives?

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Absolutely. I have told my family to have the kind of funeral they want for me, ranging from no funeral (just a cremation with no one attending) and a get together afterwards, to a traditional funeral. It's for them, not for me and I want them to see me off the way that works best for them. If anyone doesn't want to attend whatever is planned, then that's fine. I haven't left money to people in my will on the assumption they will attend some kind of ceremony at which I won't be present.

GloMum · 05/07/2025 17:27

Do you can swap to attend a game but not a funeral. Glad the OP is forgiving, I wouldn’t be.

Mumof32017 · 05/07/2025 18:04

Yes, you’re being unreasonable. She’s not obligated to attend just because she has some inheritance. Some people don’t like funerals. Ok, maybe she should have just said she doesn’t want to go instead of being sneaky but that’s still no reason for you to be sneaking anonymously onto another platform to bitch about her. Draw a line and move on.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 18:05

GloMum · 05/07/2025 17:27

Do you can swap to attend a game but not a funeral. Glad the OP is forgiving, I wouldn’t be.

Life is too short not to 'forgive'. Funerals should not be something anyone feels they have to attend.

Lollipop81 · 05/07/2025 18:10

It’s pretty shot of her, but at 24 I could see myself doing the same.
sorry for your loss x

Avocadocat · 05/07/2025 18:12

When I die I’d much rather everyone went off to Wimbledon / concerts / whatever they want and use my inheritance to do it. I’ll be dead, go live rather than come to an unnecessarily sad thing. I don’t like big groups of people at the best of times though so would rather not go to my own funeral if there’s going to be loads of people there 😁

Thatsalineallright · 05/07/2025 18:13

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 18:05

Life is too short not to 'forgive'. Funerals should not be something anyone feels they have to attend.

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A funeral is just an hour or two. I think we definitely owe it to our friends and family to show up to support them in their grief and acknowledge their loss. Especially if we're not particularly affected ourselves.

If someone is devastated at losing a loved one and doesn't want to go to the funeral, then I would have sympathy for them. People grieve differently.

But someone like the dsd who is just mildly sad can, quite frankly, suck it up and go to the funeral even if she'd prefer not to. It's called being an adult.

GloMum · 05/07/2025 18:18

Last year, my mother passed. I was quite devastated and almost had a breakdown. My brother suggested I shouldn’t go but stay home and get ready to welcome the people after the funeral (we had a catered lunch for a small circle of family and closest friends). I ended up going but I’m sharing this story as little honesty and openness goes a long way.

It would have been helpful to say - it wrecks me, I can’t get through it, it makes me nervous. Most people would be very understanding.

Lying and posting party pictures on social media on the other hand, simply rude and distasteful.

sandyrose · 05/07/2025 18:20

MiddleParking · 04/07/2025 21:49

Your daughter sounds dreadful tbh.

This is below the belt. Her DD is probably feeling just as shocked and upset that her sister has chosen to lie to her as well as not being bothered to turn up to the funeral of a woman who treated her as one of her own (and reduced their inheritance as a result). The way she’s handled things, it’s as if she’s dancing on her grave!

She should have said ‘I have these plans, with these people and for XYZ reason I would rather not cancel. Do you mind if I am not there?’

Nobody needs to go to Wimbledon twice in a week (and she didn’t have tickets since she queued from 4am). I went to BST and bought tickets last year. The big artists don’t start until 5pm, she could have showed her face at the funeral and still made the concert.