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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

322 replies

HookedOnAusten · 04/07/2025 15:56

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

OP posts:
Sugardown · 04/07/2025 15:58

You can say it and it doesn’t need to be the usual mumsnet hyperbolic dramatic flouting shout.

”mum she sees more of his because he’s with her for one full day every week whilst Ben is at nursery. If you ever would like this, then I can arrange but that’s the reason why”

Sugardown · 04/07/2025 15:59

How did it all end up?

classic NC mumsnet
or
?

rubyslippers · 04/07/2025 16:00

How close are your parents? Could they for example pick your child up from nursery every so often and give them dinner
it doesn’t have to be all or nothing
you’re right to want family time as well if you’re working FT

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 04/07/2025 16:01

Makes total sense, YANBU

tinyspiny · 04/07/2025 16:02

YANBU as it’s the absolute truth , her friend sees her GC because she takes care of him however how far away from you are your parents as one visit every 6 weeks is not a lot , are they close enough to pop round of an evening for an hour or collect from nursery and bring him home for an hour . My late mum never provided child care as such but we spent lots of time together and she had a lovely bond with mine , particularly our eldest who eventually moved in with her for the last 4/5 years of her life as she lived closer to work .

Fratolish · 04/07/2025 16:03

Yanbu.

It will probably get easier in terms of her seeing him as he gets older anyway. Maybe week night visits can come into play when he's up later and there's the potential to have him for a day or two over school holidays.

Theunamedcat · 04/07/2025 16:03

Sounded like she needed to hear it anyway

Mary46 · 04/07/2025 16:03

Your right op. I think when your working your time is precious at wends. We get digs too x is great to her mam. Easier when you live nearby too. Does she drive could she call to you. Evenings busy when people work.

BusWankers · 04/07/2025 16:04

Seems a bit odd that you preciously protect the weekends just you three... There's lots of time over two days to spend 2-3 hours with your mum AND spend time together just the family... it hardly like she's going to stay for 8 hours both days.

Xiaoxiong · 04/07/2025 16:05

My parents are the same - keep wanting to take the kids away in the holidays, or for the whole weekend and offering all sorts of wonderful trips but on the weekends or in the holidays, that's when DH and I want to spend time with them!!

But if I say, can the kids come to you for the day to cover an inset day while we are at work, that is somehow such a pain and much harder to fit in to their schedule (my mum hasn't worked since I was in primary school).

Hufflemuff · 04/07/2025 16:06

YANBU does she feel worried about having your DC on her own or something? Does she still work FT? Is there some health condition that makes it unsafe for her to have him 1 day a week?

If she's retired and just pottering about but won't be your childcare for even half a day each week - then IMO she is very unreasonable and even more unreasonable to moan! I couldn't imagine not working and just having my GC in nursery FT.

Hufflemuff · 04/07/2025 16:09

Xiaoxiong · 04/07/2025 16:05

My parents are the same - keep wanting to take the kids away in the holidays, or for the whole weekend and offering all sorts of wonderful trips but on the weekends or in the holidays, that's when DH and I want to spend time with them!!

But if I say, can the kids come to you for the day to cover an inset day while we are at work, that is somehow such a pain and much harder to fit in to their schedule (my mum hasn't worked since I was in primary school).

This is my best friend's MIL... insisting on taking her GC away on a 3 day trip, 7 hours round trip away but won't book her eye appointment on any other day, other than the day she has agreed to have her GC. Constantly let's her down when she's promised to be childcare days if not weeks in advance.

ClimbingMountKilimounjaro · 04/07/2025 16:09

How nearby is your mum? I wonder if she could come to your house one weekday evening a week and do a very low-key tea with you? Eat and spend an hour playing/reading a story/etc, then leave? That way she sees you all regularly but it doesn’t intrude on your weekend time, which I appreciate why you want to keep.

needapokerface · 04/07/2025 16:11

You have to decide what kind of relationship you want your son to have with your parents.

I moved 3 hrs away before I had kids and know that my mum and dad missed them when they were little, but spoke to them on the phone from when they were babies, which meant when I went home every month or 6 weeks for the weekend which was exhausting, my kids recognised them and were not strange with them.

I wanted my kids to know there grandparents and have a great relationship with them so I had to put the work in, phone calls, visits even when as a single parent working full time and having to either do the drive for the weekend or have the house visitor ready for them to visit. It was worth it for me as when my kids loved seeing them and spending time with them.

During the school holidays my kids would go up for a week or 2 to spend time with them, which meant lower childcare costs, kids got quality time and days out, that I couldn't do as I was at work.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works and keeps everyone happy

mindutopia · 04/07/2025 16:12

Yes, I think you’re right. We don’t see MIL except once every 6-8 weeks. Because a visit with her is a full day or a full weekend (Friday to Sunday). It’s too much to do more regularly. If she did more casual childcare, yes, she’d see them more (but has never offered and we’ve never asked).

It will get easier as your baby gets older though. Bedtime won’t always be 7pm. You will gladly hand them off for a sleepover one day. There will be school holidays and 3pm school runs to cover. A 14 month old is still very little and things will change a lot in the next few years.

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:12

Yabvu. You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....it's almost as if you're punishing her for not providing childcare. She's offered to babysit and you've said no. You really do sound very ungrateful and petty.

IwasDueANameChange · 04/07/2025 16:13

I think a lot of grandparents want:
Easy short chunks of time with children without parents around (but not a regular childcare commitment and at times that suit them)

  • for their own dc to dutifully turn up every sunday with the dgc - but not to offer to go to them.

I think it stems from an era when fewer mums worked so they were less precious about wanting that one on one time with their dc on a weekend without having to accomodate grandparents. Plus a time when there was sod all to do on a sunday except go to church or visit family

When i was a kid, my grandparents really understood that my parents didn't want to spend all weekend driving to visit family - they came to us, yet so many grandparents now seem to expect their kids to work all week then travel to visit them most weekends. Why can't the retired folk travel? These are fit healthy types in their 60s.

IwasDueANameChange · 04/07/2025 16:14

You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....

But she's at work all weekend, when does she get some down time at home with her DC if she is expected off visiting most weekends? Once a month is loads

rubyslippers · 04/07/2025 16:14

Hufflemuff · 04/07/2025 16:06

YANBU does she feel worried about having your DC on her own or something? Does she still work FT? Is there some health condition that makes it unsafe for her to have him 1 day a week?

If she's retired and just pottering about but won't be your childcare for even half a day each week - then IMO she is very unreasonable and even more unreasonable to moan! I couldn't imagine not working and just having my GC in nursery FT.

Providing childcare is exhausting - at 60/70 it’s not the same as doing it at 30/40
why shouldn’t grandparents potter?! And there is nothing wrong with a child being in nursery FT either

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:17

What I also don't understand is she's not just your dcs grandmother, she's your mum... unless you live very far away, I find it a bit odd that you wouldn't see her more. Surely if you live nearish, you could just meet for coffee or pop in occasionally, even if you didn't have a child.

ShesTheAlbatross · 04/07/2025 16:18

She sounds like my mum. My in laws have always helped us out with childcare, and we’re very grateful. It also means my DC have such a close relationship with them.
My parents moved 4 hours away when they retired just after DD1 was born. That’s fine, they can live where they like. But then mum whinges that we don’t visit her as often as she’d like, and she isn’t as close to her grandchildren as MIL is. Well of course not! Move 4 hours away if you want, but don’t then whinge that you don’t see the grandchildren as often. That’s an entirely predictable consequence of a move like that - you won’t see the children as much.

JustAnInchident · 04/07/2025 16:18

Nothing you’ve said is in the slightest bit unreasonable. Your mum sounds a bit irritating to keep going on and on like it.

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:18

IwasDueANameChange · 04/07/2025 16:14

You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....

But she's at work all weekend, when does she get some down time at home with her DC if she is expected off visiting most weekends? Once a month is loads

My own mum is no longer here but I would count seeing your parents as downtime...unless you're from an incredibly formal family

SugarSoiree · 04/07/2025 16:20

IwasDueANameChange · 04/07/2025 16:14

You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....

But she's at work all weekend, when does she get some down time at home with her DC if she is expected off visiting most weekends? Once a month is loads

Only on Mumsnet is once a month loads 😂

I have never heard anyone say that they see someone loads when they only see them once a month in real life

theresapossuminthekitchen · 04/07/2025 16:20

BusWankers · 04/07/2025 16:04

Seems a bit odd that you preciously protect the weekends just you three... There's lots of time over two days to spend 2-3 hours with your mum AND spend time together just the family... it hardly like she's going to stay for 8 hours both days.

I think I agree with this so I can’t pick how to vote! I don’t think you are unreasonable to point out that her relationship won’t be the same because she doesn’t do childcare, nor do I think babysitting overnight is the solution (your child will mostly be tired or asleep, so hardly ‘relationship-building’ time). However, I think you’re unreasonable to guard the weekends to the extent you only see them every 6 weeks, unless you just don’t get on with your parents that well (in which case it’s a totally different issue anyway…)

I get why grandparents don’t want to commit to regular childcare, especially long-term, but there’s no doubt that it makes a huge difference to the relationship you get with small children if you do it and you can’t always have your cake and eat it!