To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

Yes, but you don't have to spend all day with any of if these people?

You can spend part of the morning or afternoon with them. Like 1-2 hours or You seem to be implying that it's all weekend or nothing ?

Maybe they need the money from OP's full time salary or maybe going part-time would damage OP's career prospects.

You could just as easily say that if OP's mum feels so strongly about spending more time with her grandson, why doesn't she offer childcare one day a week like her friend does. The answer would be that she wants complete flexibility to take lots of holidays, including some at short notice.

All the concessions and flexibility are being demanded from OP who is juggling lots of balls already.

Could they meet you at a park? Its hard when nobody will compromise. I call to my mam today home after 3 hrs. Didnt take whole day. I accept with a baby theres more to juggle. Comparisons not nice we got it too but the kids lived nearer to be visiting.

OP has already said that her parents don't accept a couple of hours. She has said:

'It’s hard to explain, but it’s never just a few hours. By coming over for Sunday lunch they mean coming over at 10 and leaving at 4.'

@saraclara you sound like a thoughtful person who can take a hint.

Of course we only have the OP's side but it sounds like a set up where a full day's visit is expected and mum gets the hump if it's short. My inlaws can be a bit like that but we've all compromised over the years. It's hard work establishing new norms.

If that is the case (long visits expected), it will get better when child is older (more reasons to need to leave - party, club, match, homework) and in my experience grannies who are demanding over baby time sometimes lose interest once the child can express their personality.

I’m sorry but if your mother wants a close relationship with your child then she needs to put the work in. If she cannot do regular childcare then she should arrange days where she can take him giving you and other half a break etc you are not unreasonable to have pointed that out.

Thats difficult if your whole day is gone.. if she wont visit you op what can you do. Full time is hard you have little downtime its not easy

I think you're being completely reasonable, OP, and your mum is being a bit disingenuous about why she doesn't have as much time with her GS as her friend does with hers.
For what it's worth, I think getting together once a month is plenty. Every family works out what is best or possible for them. We lived in a different country to all our family growing up, so we only saw them over summer. We had a fantastic relationship with all of them, and this was before cheap phone calls and internet!
I agree with a lot of pp that the situation will probably get easier as your DS gets older - you'll do more things like go to the park for an hour or so, and that might be something that your parents come along to or do with DS while you are actually happy to get on with a few bits at home. At the moment, he's still small and all the time with him feel so precious. I totally understand this even though I was a SAHM - I didn't want to miss any of that time at the beginning :)

Add in divorced parents, possibly both sides and there's your Saturdays gone too. I think monthly is a lot personally. There are only 52 weekends a year and it's precious time for OP, her husband and her child.

I don’t think you're being unreasonable at all OP, or selfish, or whatever else people on this thread keep calling you. I'm an introvert so I need some time just at home not doing anything. I think anyone imposing on that would be selfish.

My parents and my in laws were/are both like this. I have two children, 8 and just turned 4. I would like to say things settle down. But I have not found this. I have found later when me and dh would have liked a night out (say for anniversary etc) that it’s been difficult to get them to agree to babysit. Then when one side has other then complain that they didn’t get to even though they refused initially. Then following year both fighting to have gc then back upset if they don’t get. Never got balance right. Only ever want gc on weekends in school holidays. Not mid week, not when it would help us most. We always have to take kids to them. They never come to us. Yet we have more space for everyone and their toys. I hope you find some kind of resolution that works for your family.

PS I agree your family is your dh and DS. Your mother, father and in laws are additional family but not your core. And I agree that’s how I want my dc to see it when they’re grown up too.

all the best

Op I get you both on the wanting to spend the non working time with your son and the overbearing parents who spend all day vs a pop in.

Nothing needs to change. However if you wanted you could offer than they could collect ds for an afternoon and make you dinner and you go straight there after work? Would not add to your routine and limit things to bedtime.

Or you could call her on it and say you’re fed up of feeling guilty hearing the same chat every time. Sounds like being back at work is still relatively new and DS is still up a lot at night so all is a pressure cooker, wee comments like this can really get to you.

I think that your DM is naive is she expects the same relationship as her friend who looks after DC one day per week. Your DM could have easily given up a day per week, it's not a lot, to look after your DC, she has chosen not to, so she's bu to moan.

Yes, but she can control that by arranging to meet up for a specified time at a restaurant or something.

OP is not saying that. The demands on parents these days are huge and trying to fit everything in does mean that weekends are very precious. With young children you have to wake them in the morning to get them to nursery and then get yourself to work, do a full days work, rush to nursery to collect them, get home feed, play, bath, bed. Then feed adults do chores rinse and repeat. Come Friday two days to really spend t8me together as a couple and as parents is very precious.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP.
gparents babysitting is a touchy subject. Of course no one expects it but when grandparents do 1 day (I know a family where the baby was with both sets of parents on different days so the parents never had to pay childcare) it is why your mums friend is much closer to her grandchild.
I also agree with keeping the weekends just your little family. Don’t be pushed into something you don’t want to do.
I think it’s great you gave your mum the truth.

But OP is absolutely in control of how long they stay when they visit her, and how long she stays when she visits them. She doesn't HAVE to stay as long as they expect.

It might take them a bit of getting used to, but it's entirely in OP 's hands. She just needs to be welcoming but direct. She's made it clear that her weekends are busy, so "we'll be shopping until 12, and meeting John and Jane at 3, but it'd be lovely to see you for lunch in between" or "were going to be passing you tomorrow afternoon on the way to.... Are you around if we pop in for a coffee?"

Yes, but the vast majority with reasonably local parents seem to manage to keep the wider family relationships going. My DD and son in law work too, and I'm very aware that they have friends to see and things to do at the weekend, but they still manage to find time to connect at some point most weeks. Even if it's just a coffee when we're both out.

What if they don't have plans with people before or after, they just want time to themselves, should they tell the truth? Some people would be offended by that

So what exactly do you want from her as it doesn't sound like you can make up your mind. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I think as time goes by that you may be grateful for a weekend away. Or a night out.you seem very precious about your family time.maybe once in 2 or 3 weeks or just all meeting up together maybe. It s important not to become too insular.grandparents can bring a lot to the caring o f DC..
.

Obviously (!) this answers the question - and if they don't understand that then they're a bit simple - I know thats not very PC but its late and the only way I can think of explaining it.

What about FaceTime? We get around not seeing as frequent by doing thirty mins to an hours FaceTime each Sunday with each set of gp so they can share there week and see gc. They then see the gc playing (used to be banking or toddling).

as said earlier - I agree with what you’re doing. Just trying to help with a solution.

So let them be offended 🤷

It sounds like she wants your son to perform doting grandson as well as her friend’s but isn’t interested in actually having a relationship with him.

YANBU

Should have said babbling not banking.