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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

322 replies

HookedOnAusten · 04/07/2025 15:56

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

OP posts:
TimeFliesin2046 · 04/07/2025 16:21

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:12

Yabvu. You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....it's almost as if you're punishing her for not providing childcare. She's offered to babysit and you've said no. You really do sound very ungrateful and petty.

She’s declined the babysitting offer because she wants to spend that time with her child herself. Not as a punishment.

80smonster · 04/07/2025 16:21

I’d straight bat it and say ‘I don’t see much of X during the week, so if you wanted to see more of him, then would be the best time for us. Do you want to collect from nursery every thursday and have overnight and drop back to nursery Friday morning? As this would give DH and I some time to ourselves while we are busy focusing on work?’. If the answer is no, refer her to the conversation. Going forwards this arrangement could be very handy, so I’d be careful about drawing up harsh boundaries.

youreactinglikeafunmum · 04/07/2025 16:22

Yanbu tbh, she should be doing more imo 😭

Offering zero help but whining, she is very unreasonable, sorry

If you want community, you have to give community x

ridingfreely · 04/07/2025 16:23

I used to feel exactly as you do - weekends are so precious. Yanbu

wizzywig · 04/07/2025 16:28

Or she knows the score, has no intention of changing and it's easier to put the blame on you

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:30

She's offered help in the form of babysitting.... regular childcare to enable parents to work is a big ask and a huge commitment. She has offered what she is capable of.

ThatRoseDeer · 04/07/2025 16:32

She can’t compare her time with her grandchild to someone who babysits a whole day a week. Of course they’ll have a closer bond due to the regularity.
I completely understand why your evenings and weekends as a family unit are precious too.
When I worked part time, I found it much easier to squeeze in quick catch ups with the grans on my days off.
My mum used to babysit once a week, my MIL was more sporadic but she was more fun - she’d take them out, whereas my mum stayed with them in our house. I’d say they’re equally close to both sets but in different ways.
Now I’m full time, we tend to see each set of grandparents every 6 weeks. We have them over for Sunday lunch (neither sets are interested in hosting as there are 6 of us 😂).
I get the odd comment, but ignore it. Our kids are 10+ now and the dynamic changes.

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:33

I just don't understand the relationship some people seem to have with their parents and family . Why can't you relax at your parents? I would put my feet up, watch the telly, make a cuppa, have my dc play while we chatted...

YellowGrey · 04/07/2025 16:33

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:30

She's offered help in the form of babysitting.... regular childcare to enable parents to work is a big ask and a huge commitment. She has offered what she is capable of.

Yes, it's fine to offer what she is capable of. But it's also fine for OP to decline that offer if it doesn't work for her and not be guilt tripped for doing so.

Original poster
HookedOnAusten · 04/07/2025 16:33

Hufflemuff · 04/07/2025 16:06

YANBU does she feel worried about having your DC on her own or something? Does she still work FT? Is there some health condition that makes it unsafe for her to have him 1 day a week?

If she's retired and just pottering about but won't be your childcare for even half a day each week - then IMO she is very unreasonable and even more unreasonable to moan! I couldn't imagine not working and just having my GC in nursery FT.

She and my dad retired in their fifties and are both fit and well and enjoying retirement. The reason they don’t want to do regular childcare is they don’t want to be tied down and go on holiday. Which is fine but means a different relationship with the grandchild than her friend who spends a full day with him once a week.

OP posts:
JustAnInchident · 04/07/2025 16:35

Did she manage to see your point of view at all op? Like when you said about not wanting to miss precious weekend time, and so while you appreciate her offering babysitting, that’s why you don’t take her up on it, what did she respond?

AudHvamm · 04/07/2025 16:35

Theunamedcat · 04/07/2025 16:03

Sounded like she needed to hear it anyway

This. But guilt trippers like your mum are always going to be offended when you point out the truth.

You are not being unreasonable, it sounds like you've explained your reasons to your mum and that should be enough.

ExpertArchFormat · 04/07/2025 16:37

You are doing fine and agonising about this far too much.

Of course you aren't going to see your parents every weekend. That would leave no time for other friends and other family members. She is being unrealistic.

Free family childcare is a minefield that it's fine to swerve. I bet Jane's grandchild's parents are furious with Jane about something (too much sugar/tv/etc) but don't feel able to complain.

How about "mum can you please stop spoiling things every time we see you by complaining about how different your life is from Jane's. We don't want that setup for our family, it wouldn't work for us. You won't appreciate the joy to be had right here and now if you can't accept that."

Ally886 · 04/07/2025 16:37

So you would like her to offer childcare but you don't want her to babysit as you don't want to be away from your child?

So basically she would like a better relationship with her grandchild but the reason she doesn't is because she doesn't babysit?

Needlenardlenoo · 04/07/2025 16:37

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:33

I just don't understand the relationship some people seem to have with their parents and family . Why can't you relax at your parents? I would put my feet up, watch the telly, make a cuppa, have my dc play while we chatted...

Could be some parents are not very relaxing people?

There can be a fair bit of tension when you have made different parenting decisions to your parents.

And mums/MILs who have never worked in the career sense can lack insight into childcare costs and constraints.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 04/07/2025 16:39

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:33

I just don't understand the relationship some people seem to have with their parents and family . Why can't you relax at your parents? I would put my feet up, watch the telly, make a cuppa, have my dc play while we chatted...

You really cannot see that other people have a different family set up to you? Some family members are toxic (I'm not saying the ops are), some are cold, distant or uptight.

Not everyone's family set up is the same and not everyone gets on with theirs.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 16:41

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:12

Yabvu. You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....it's almost as if you're punishing her for not providing childcare. She's offered to babysit and you've said no. You really do sound very ungrateful and petty.

Why is she being ungrateful. As her child is in full-time nursery, the only time she sees her son is at weekends so she doesn't want to go out and leave him with her mum.

It's OP's mum who is comparing the contact her friend has with her grandchild with the amount of contact that she has with OP's child and the only reason that her friend has more contact is because her friend does regular weekly child care. OP's mum doesn't want to do that and OP is fine with that.

Her mum wants to have her cake and eat it. Total freedom to do what she wants without being tied down to regular childcare but wants to see her grandchild whenever is convenient for her, even if this isn't convenient for OP.

TimeFliesin2046 · 04/07/2025 16:42

Ally886 · 04/07/2025 16:37

So you would like her to offer childcare but you don't want her to babysit as you don't want to be away from your child?

So basically she would like a better relationship with her grandchild but the reason she doesn't is because she doesn't babysit?

That’s not what OP said at all. It’s just a fact a grandparent who does childcare is going to see her grandkids more in a lot of cases.

Original poster
HookedOnAusten · 04/07/2025 16:43

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:12

Yabvu. You're limiting visits to once every month or every six weeks...that sounds so rigid and mean to me....it's almost as if you're punishing her for not providing childcare. She's offered to babysit and you've said no. You really do sound very ungrateful and petty.

I’m not punishing her, I’m trying to enjoy the time with my family and also just plan my life how it works for me. Working full time with a baby is hard, so having one seeking doing nothing is important for my and DH’s mental health and also to keep on top of house admin. Then we like to go to places like Legoland or the zoo, or to somewhere like Centerparcs the three of us. Then there’s only two other weekends a month, and we usually see them in one of them. If we don’t it’s usually because they’re busy. That’s not petty, it’s just how our life is. Ungrateful is a strange thing because of course I’m not grateful because they’re not helping! If I wanted the babysitting they offered then I’d be grateful, but as it is I’m constantly having to say no I don’t want to leave DS overnight.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 04/07/2025 16:44

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:33

I just don't understand the relationship some people seem to have with their parents and family . Why can't you relax at your parents? I would put my feet up, watch the telly, make a cuppa, have my dc play while we chatted...

This is what my Dc do when they come to mine! Come in, hand over the baby, check contents of fridge/biscuit tin/wine cupboard, turn over the TV to something they like watching and bicker with each other just like when they were teens. I love it!

Epli · 04/07/2025 16:45

I couldn't relax at my PILs. They are usually too tired to play with my child for more than 30 minutes and she is not at the age when she plays on her own for a very long time, so we need to step in. If I leave them with her they put her in front of the TV after 30 minutes and give her 3 servings of cheesecake to keep her quiet. We also have to take food for her with us and do grocery shopping as what they have at home is not suitable for small kids. On top of that my partner usually has to help with house admin stuff when we are there.

Comedycook · 04/07/2025 16:45

I’m trying to enjoy the time with my family

Your parents are your family...why don't you just invite them on you trips or say, come over for dinner on Saturday night?

Soontobe60 · 04/07/2025 16:46

HookedOnAusten · 04/07/2025 16:43

I’m not punishing her, I’m trying to enjoy the time with my family and also just plan my life how it works for me. Working full time with a baby is hard, so having one seeking doing nothing is important for my and DH’s mental health and also to keep on top of house admin. Then we like to go to places like Legoland or the zoo, or to somewhere like Centerparcs the three of us. Then there’s only two other weekends a month, and we usually see them in one of them. If we don’t it’s usually because they’re busy. That’s not petty, it’s just how our life is. Ungrateful is a strange thing because of course I’m not grateful because they’re not helping! If I wanted the babysitting they offered then I’d be grateful, but as it is I’m constantly having to say no I don’t want to leave DS overnight.

Show quote history

Maybe they could have him once every few Saturdays in the morning so that you could catch up on household jobs / admin - soft play, park, their house?

Fairyliz · 04/07/2025 16:48

You know how you adore your child and want to spend free time with them? Well that’s how she feels about you.
She probably feels too old and tired to run around after a toddler and all the worry that entails, but would love to spend time with her gorgeous daughter.

PreetyinPurple · 04/07/2025 16:48

I’m sure she knows but doesn’t want to change things herself.
It’s like I’ve known a few absent dads who complain children aren’t all over them when they bother to see them. You have to put in time with small children or they don’t remember.

Id offer that she can pick up DC early once a week, go to the park, have tea at hers. If she wants the benefit she has to put the time in.