To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

It stands to reason that people who have more complicated or difficult familial relationships might seek more advice.

YANBU unreasonable, it's just life. I like spending my weekends at home with my daughter doing whatever takes our fancy.and once every 4-6 weeks I take her to my mum's overnight. My mum says often now that she's like to see her more but ultimately for the past 10 years she wasn't that bothered, I can count how often she's been to our house on less than ten fingers, and sadly she's now unable to travel or be responsible for a child in the house. The weekends we go there are time consuming due to the travel time as well.

Arrange your family life how YOU want to. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing and nothing wrong with pointing out how your mum restricts herself also. She's allowed to set her boundaries re childcare but you're not allowed to set yours re your own child? No. The years are short OP. Spend them loving your wee one hard and enjoy that time however you please.

Yanbu because you simply said it as it is. Someone who provides childcare os naturally going to see the child more often than someone who doesn't, just the way things are.

That’s fine if you have family who are happy to just spend 2/3 hours and then leave and let you crack on with whatever else. Or happy for you to pop and see them for a couple of hours or meet somewhere. I can with my MIL because she’s normal but my parents expect the whole day. If we go there earlier in the day we’re expected to stay until dinner. We do go most weeks but sometimes I just don’t fancy spending a whole day sat in someone else’s house. And it’s worse if they’re here, you can’t ask them to leave. Well you could, but then I’m the bad guy.

I don’t see why she doesn’t understand this. I don’t think anyone should do any childcare (regular or ad hoc) that they don’t want to do, but every decision has a consequence. And it’s fairly obvious that if you have a toddler grandchild, they are going to be closer to you if they see you for a whole day every week just you and them than if they don’t. That’s just self evident.
I don’t see my nephew very often. My sister (not the baby’s mother, another sister) sees him quite regularly. He’s closer to her than to me. It would be weird for me to whinge about that.

I think you’re perfectly reasonable. My MIL would have liked to see us every weekend but even every other weekend would have meant we’d need to see my DPs just as much to be fair. She had to settle for less or no free weekends for us

Nothing stopping the DGPs from pottering but they shouldn't be guilt tripping two full time working parents about wanting to spend their weekends with their child.

There are millions of things that have never happened to me in life but that doesn't mean I'm unaware that they happen to others and that other people have a different lived experience to me.

The OP says herself that she and her parents don't have a pop in relationship. Presumably that extends to her making herself at home, putting their telly on and whatnot.

My in laws are retired and wouldn't take DS once a week as they also travel a lot. However, they take him one day a week when they're around rather than him going to nursery. It doesn't save us any money as we have to pay nursery regardless if he goes or not but they have an amazing bond with him.
Might be worth considering if you want them to spend more time with your son without you loosing your free time with him.

You are both rigid in how you spend your free time. Your parents don't want to commit to regular childcare as it would inhibit their social life and you have planned your free time to the nth degree (one w/e life admin, one w/e a big day out etc) so it's not surprising that you're no longer close to your mum (were you, before you had your baby?). You did the right thing telling her why she and her GS aren't close and I don't see the situation changing in the future.

As a grandparent I'm wondering if she would like to care for your child regularly?

When my GC were younger I was working full time, DH was caring for his mother so we couldn't have them much. But I would book my annual leave during school holidays so that they could stay with us for a few days while parents worked as they both work in NHS & work shifts.

Perhaps you could ask her this & maybe suggest that she has your child on a regular basis for one evening/night every week, possibly during the week when she can do the nursery collection & drop off the next morning. Or possibly Friday night & drop child off later in the day on Saturday. That way you &r DP gets the night off & you can do granny stuff.

edited for grammar

Have you thought about a weekly video call? Im not saying you're unreasonable at all but my 15m old loves seeing his grandparents on the tv and shouting to them and is so excited to hear them. It might be something to pacify the complaints. We started when my MiL had her hip replaced so couldn't come and visit for a few months as she couldn't drive

There is a balance. I look after my grandchildren regularly ie look after baby for a long period every week so daughter can go swimming,relax,recharge and older grandchild for day out and sleepover every couple of weeks.
I have made it clear that I don’t want to commit to more than one full day baby care when daughter goes back to work. She agrees . I do also love being invited out for a fun day out with all the family so I am not just the granchildrens carer but also a Grandma as well. Swings and roundabouts .

You keep talking about 'your family' which obviously doesn't include your mum in your eyes? Depends what sort of relationship you want your child to have with their grandparents, for me it was really important so we have always seen my parents weekly, they are invited out on some day trips with us. We have never felt the need to have a whole weekend just the 3 of us not seeing anyone else, a Sunday lunch twice a month with my mum is easy and lovely routine to have in my opinion.

I couldn't imagine my parents only seeing my child once a month, how are they supposed to develop a relationship with someone they never see?

Providing childcare in your 60s or 70s can be exhausting but a lot of people do/did it, including myself. I and all the friends of my age have provided childcare for our grandchildren one or two days a week until they started school and it does help develop very close relationships with our grandchildren which wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't offered to do this. It was hard work but the rewards are worth it.

Sorry cross posted - didn't realise that they didn't want to do regular childcare. That's their decision, they need to live with the fact that their GC prefers the GPs who do see them regularly. Not your problem.

Why should she? By that argument he should have his parents round on alternate weeks, and any aunties and uncles etc.

She can choose when she is available to see her parents and they can choose to be available or not. My family lives 250 miles away. We would see them every 6 weeks. Their relationship with my daughter is just fine.

What’s she’s offering isn’t help. I love time with my son and I want to spend my all free time with him. If it were an offer of help that I I declined and it was fine then I wouldn’t have an issue. Saying ‘let me know if you ever want us to look after DS for a day/evening/overnight’ would be. It’s not helping me to say ‘when can I have DS overnight?… oh but we think he’d love it. Jane looks after her grandson overnight.’ just puts even more guilt on my plate. She doesn’t have to help, that’s not my issue, but she doesn’t get to feel like she’s helping by forcing the issue on something I don’t want right now.

Could you say your mum is welcome to pick DC up early from nursery one day - if she clears it with you - and have him for a few hours and drop him back when you finish work?

Would give her more time with him but not eat into your family time.

Is there any reason every so often they couldn't pick dc up from childcare at lunch time and spend a weekday afternoon with dgc?

I just want to pick up on the point that some people have said, including you OP, that a relationship between a grandparent and a child has to be "different" or less close due to lack of one day a week childcare. I don't think that has to be the case at all and my own kids are case in point.

My eldest was cared for one day a week by their DGM from 9 months until just over 3.

Second not at all - as the DGM was sadly diagnosed with a serious illness when I was heavily pregnant with them and became disabled.

I also have a third DC who is still under 1.

My kids are all close to this DGM (and other family members too, who have never provided regular childcare). My eldest certainly isn't any closer to her DGM than the middle one (and never has been). We always saw the DGM a lot over and above that one day a week childcare, partly because we never wanted her to think she was good enough to 'use' as childcare but not good enough to actually spend leisure time with! But mostly just because we love and care for her and she's part of our family. Luckily DH and I are both on the same page with being very family-oriented and love our extended families etc. as a result our children are close to loads of adults who dote on them even though none of them have ever provided regular childcare except for the situation described above. In fact most of them never any childcare whatsoever btw not like they are often babysat by other people, it's extremely rare).

Not really - or at least not to me. The conversations usually fizzle out or move on (having a baby means there’s always a distraction!) She’ll say ‘yes of course’ but then bring it up again so I don’t think she gets it. She was a SAHM so I don’t think properly understands what I’m balancing and how I feel about it.

We regularly have GC when their parents are working.

Knackering, but we love it. Save washing the cars, pressure washing the drive, trips to local garden centre (which has a play area with animals) until they come over, chopping veg etc to prepare a vat of bolognaise sauce to be frozen, pickling onions, cabbage etc.

Plenty to do, but, as I say, leaves us both knackered as they have so much energy.

No easy answer. I do notice they forget when retired how busy houses are when two work then childcare pickups. Can they not share driving that might take pressure off visits?

I know this perspective will be unpopular with some posters but your parents are your extended family now and you are trying to make your weeks work for your little family. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents and want them to have a good relationship with your kid, it just means that the priority has to be what you and your DH need right now. I think it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on at the moment and I don’t think you should feel guilty for trying to make the most of the time you get to have with your son and husband - the time goes so quickly and I’m sure you feel like you’re not getting anywhere enough time with them (or, perhaps, to yourself!). I think grandparents need to take a bit of a back seat when life is so busy for families and accept that the diary doesn’t revolve around them.

I don’t think it was unfair to point out that someone who can commit to/is happy to do childcare once a week sees more of their GS than someone who doesn’t. That isn’t a set up your parents or you seem to want (plus your son is settled and happy in nursery) so they need to fit into your lives and enjoy the time you do get together. I’d also add that my mum sees my son every couple of months (my parents work and live far away so this is regular for us!) and he is not at all shy around her because she makes such an effort to play with him when she is here - it’s all about him and he knows it. So you don’t have to see each other all the time to have that level of connection!

You can apologise to your mum if you think your tone was off but I think it’s important to stress that you’re just trying your best!