To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

Im too young for GC, my own children are still small.

The point i was making is that she can't compare the bond and time spent together of her friend and her GC with her own.

Sorry that you would see 1 day a week childcare as drudgery, I wonder why you bothered to do it 6 times over already if that's how you feel?

This, every day of the week.

This sounds lovely for you but that’s not everyone’s dynamic. My parents (in their late 70s) don’t own a tv - they prefer books - and their downtime is not spent sat on their bums so that’s not how they relax. When we visit them we tend to get stuck into whatever project they’re working on at the time, which is not remotely relaxing for us 😄

Once every 6 weeks would be more than enough!!

Exactly this. My mum has everything at her house even though we never go there and she wants me to stop bf so she can have him over night but I don’t want to. It’s really hard to navigate.

Yeah.

It's lovely that @Comedycook has this kind of relationship with her parents, it sounds delightful but it's not how it is for everyone.

When my parents visit us, it can be quite stressful. My mum brings enormous quantities of tat which she has picked up from Freecycle, neighbours, charity shops, car boot sales and then proceeds to get upset if the kids aren't delighted by puzzles and games with missing pieces or scribbled on books. She then critiques how tidy our house is. It is mostly untidy because of all the tat she brings!!! When she leaves, I then have to sort through all the tat. I couldn't do that every week.

When we visit my parents, it is better but it's tricky to get there in termtime because the kids have activities and birthday parties to go to etc.

So we end up with every 4-6 weeks.

From reading what you have said it appears to me that your biggest problem is that you feel guilty your mum doesn’t see as much of your son as she’d like. If you are sure you have the balance right at present just stop beating yourself up about it and get on with your life. Of course your mum is going to keep asking. Just keep saying you are not ready yet and let her make the most of the time she has with you both. Try not to rise to any of her comments.

Because I was clearly crackers 😆
I'm 45 now and my youngest is 17, oldest is 29 with four others in between, and I'm done with childcare.

I never expected my mum to do free days childcare for me. It's too much for her and I never even asked.
Children benefit greatly from relationship with grandparents and extended family.That's enough of contribution! It's like saying you would not include your brother or sister in your community unless they do unpaid work for you. Hey child - you're not going to have a relationship with your aunties because they dont offer free services. Sorry!
Very transactional and shows that you're not an independent adult but still treat your parents as people who owe you.

I always saw relationship with grandparents as something that mainly benefits children, not parents. That relationship is often better if old people are not expected to do more then they are comfortable doing and they can actually enjoy their grandchildren.

And I'm not talking about babysitting or emergencies as that's different.

OP doesn't have a transactional relationship with her mum/parents. She has never expected her mum to provide child care while she is working so she has put her child in full-time nursery. Her mum doesn't want to provide childcare because she takes lots of holidays, some at very short notice so giving up a day a week wouldn't work for her.

However, OP's mum is complaining that her friend, who does provide childcare one day a week, sees more of her grandchild than she does and has a closer relationship.

Her mum is expecting OP to relinquish precious time with her child at the weekend so her mum can spend as much time with her grandchild as her friend does with hers, entirely at her mum's convenience.

That is very unreasonable of her mum, not OP.

I wasn't replying to OP but to a poster who was saying grandmothers should not be included unless they offer free childcare.

Sounds like your mum wants the perks without any consistent committment....I know nobody is obliged to care for their grandchildren but I do find it sad that she would rather her grandchild spends many hours a week in a nursery with strangers rather than help you out and care for him herself :(

I understand your want to keep the weekends to yourself. I'm the exact same, although it's one day every weekend where we relax, go to the playground, etc.
You need to tell your mum she can't take your time with your son, because you don't see him enough because you have to work. If she wants to see him, she can take him out of daycare, bring him to the park, or back to your house (not hers, you don't want a pick up there) and hopefully she could be useful and help with dinner too. That would actually be helpful.
I mean, she can't have that busy a social life, she's been retired for a very long time. She doesn't even understand the word stress or juggling, which infuriates me about that generation.

I think you mean: "which infuriates me about her".

I'm a retired grandparent, and I've had plenty of experience of stress and juggling. Not just with my own work and children, but with managing the care of the generation above me.

To be honest, now that my kids are grown and the parents I had to care for are gone, my ability to be spontaneous, and the love of, and for my grandchildren, is what keeps me sane.

I don't do regular childcare because I wouldn't be able to finally enjoy that freedom, and I didn't want to let my DD down when opportunities to go away, came along. So I do 'problem' care now and again. But I am incredibly grateful that my daughter simply recognises my value to her children as a loving grandparent, and loves me enough to facilitate visits most weeks.

OP I agree with the above from JJtrying2024 and an earlier poster suggesting they collect from day care on adhoc afternoons agreed with you and day care.

You just need to stick to your guns and say at the moment that's the only way to give her more time with him, if that's what she would like to do. Perhaps she might like to choose an afternoon every so often so he can meet up with her friend and grandson!

I think you just need to say he's at regular daycare which is needed so you can work, evenings after work end up being busy with getting dinner, his evening routine and then getting him settled into bed which is not always very easy. And then when its the weekends that's really the only relaxed time you and your husband get to have with him or each other.

If she says about her friend and her friend's grandson just say well they have a completely different family situation and each child is different - your son is just more reserved, and I'd remind her that she doesn't want (and said so) the restriction of regular child care, and that you respect that and would never expect it of her. Likewise you hope she respects that you and your husband needs weekends where possible as relaxed ones with your son. I'd remind her that you are juggling time with both sets of grandparents and trying to be fair about it. So ad hoc arranged pick ups after day care are the best compromise you can think of.

I'd mention that you are very grateful for all her offers of baby sitting and that you hope to take her up on at at some point when things are easier. But at the moment you and your husband need to have your time with him. I'd point out that things may well change as he gets older, but this is the situation now.

OP I mention the above because you might feel that it would be nice for you to have a romantic evening or catch up with friends etc. Its also good for your son to have a rountine varied occasionally (maybe not now I realise but when he's older).

Don't dismiss the idea of them babysitting altogether (even if you aren't ready now). I say that as my mum wasn't well enough to babysit (although she would have loved to), and my PILs never wanted to. I could count on 1 hand how many times they babysat my 2 boys while they were growing up even during hospital emergencies (and they lived 30 mins away). They also told us when I was first pregnant not to expect them to ever have our children after school.

I don't think grandparents should be expected to be after school child care, and I've seen grandparents who were massively unfairly taken advantaged of by their entitled daughters and son in laws who never seemed to notice or care how much the grand parents were doing - which I don't agree with. But I have noticed that grandparents who do help out in some capacity often do have a closer relationship. So personally I think grand parents being involved is valuable for children and the relationship between the two. When I have grandchildren I would like to be able to help out (with boundaries all are happy with).

I also understand about the weekend you see them being taken up and that it's never for just a while. We had a similiar issue with my PILs - because they didn't see the boys that often (their choice), when we visited as a family it ended up being a formal performance that followed certain rigid routine and wasn't a relaxed informal get together. We never ended up trying to change that because in their case (unlike your mum) they weren't interested in seeing us or the boys very often.

You may not want to do this yet, but in the case with your parents, it might be worth you trying to work on making some ad hoc visits, outside of your allocated weekend with them, relaxed shorter ones so that you could pop for a coffee, then leave after say 40 mins or an hour, if for example you have to go somewhere else or your husband calls you back for lunch etc etc. Break things up abit. That way they see your son abit more regularly but you protect the majority of your weekend.

The other way might be to meet up with your parents and your PILs at the same time to do a combined activity? That might free up some weekend time.

I was SAHM until my eldest was in Primary, but when I was working afterwards I do remember how the weekends just vanished. So I do understand how precious that time with just you, your husband and your son is.

Oh my goodness, OP you've been given a pretty tough time by a lot of peeps here.
I'm a GM of 8, ranging from 12 to 4yrs & across 3 families. We're in our early 60s & retired 4 yrs now.
In the last 10 hrs of my working life I was fortunate enough to be able to fit my FT hours into 4 days so that Fridays (when the first dgs came along) became my childminding day.
So, since then I've always had at least 1, mostly 2 gch on Fridays until they went to school, then continuing to collect, as required & if possible.
It is exhausting at times but absolutely precious, quality time has been spent with them all & we love it!
My children understand that we will have several longish holidays per year & are able to find flexible after school clubs/ friends & nursery to cover.
It works well & I am so grateful that we've been able to build those relationships.
It always surprises me when I hear of GPs who are unwilling (as long as they are able) to look after their GC. The rewards are immeasurable for all parties.
Lastly, I think you have a very healthy attitude regarding your precious family time together. Your parents must be prepared to fit in with what works for you. Working FT & finding adequate childcare is really tough for families of young children. It's a privilege that we've been able to help in that regard.
Best wishes

I should also add that we randomly look after the older ones during school holidays, sometimes for a week at a time so parents can holiday, overnight for weddings, hen doos etc. Whenever we can, really. They are soon grown .. I often wonder how often we would see our offspring if they weren't collecting their children from us.
Even so, still might get just 1 mother's day card, sometimes none, which is a little hurtful. These things are not transactional, of course, but a little appreciation would go a long way 🥰

Why don’t you just offer her to pick them up early from nursery on a day that suits them? My mum lives over 3hours away but when she does come down that’s what she does.

Couldn't disagree more!

This and this!!

Which is fine, it doesn't mean it works for mum though

Well then that's a very niche group of friends you have

I see people as much now as I did before kids as I am even busier now we have kids. Weekends are taken up with kid activities, birthday parties, double the laundry (2 kids) and the cleaning takes longer as I have to tidy toys too (even with kids helping). Your mum is being unreasonable and is adding more work to your plate rather than supporting you with your relationship with your kid she’s focused on her wants. I would tell her you don’t feel she’s supporting you by trying to guilt you into more time and that your child being less outgoing/affectionate is their personality so she’s going to have to get used to it! My mum is my childcare and is a huge support but she never complains either if we are busy as she wants to make my life easier as I am her daughter. Your mum seems a little more selfish in my opinion. My mil is very similar to this only worries about what she is missing out on not what we want/need to make our lives easier or the grandkids happier. I hope you manage to get your mum to understand and start supporting you and hopefully enjoying the relationship she does have with her grandchild.