To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

She wants her gc to trust and love her so that she can score points over her friend!
If she wanted this relationship (with her gc) for it's own sake then she would surely be willing to put in the time & effort required for it to develop?

I don’t want her to offer childcare. My son is settled in nursery and is so happy. When we see his key worker around town he always has a huge smile and hug. For full disclosure, if she had offered I would have accepted but there was no expectation that she would, and no resentment she hasn’t. I don’t want to be away from DS when I do t have to, and I don’t think that’s abnormal.

She thinks she’d be closer to DS if she saw him weekly, and also had overnight babysitting. DS adores his grandparents and is just quieter and more reserved than her friend’s grandson. From my perspective they have a very close and loving relationship- not one that needs fixing.

I used to drive past the end of my parents road to get to a childminder before work. They both retired at 55. Now my mother expects her grandchildren to be close. They’re not. My mother never wanted to be a mother I don’t think.
I’m about to be a grandmother and am still working full time at 60. I will be helping my daughter and baby over my mother. Cutting me hours to help.
You get out of life what you put in.
It’s really that simple.

I know she does, and also loves DS. But before DS we saw each other slightly less (more like every six weeks to every two months), so she’s actually seeing more of me now. I think that’s because I saw them much more on maternity leave, they miss that and also have the comparison of a friend who sees a lot of her grandchild (though that comes with an obligation they don’t want). The difference is that on ML I had time to fill, and now I feel like I’m constantly dropping balls.

Did your mum go back to work after you started school or has she always stayed at home? Do you have siblings?

It sounds almost as though she is in competition with her friend who does weekly childcare and therefore has a very close relationship with her grandchild. I wonder if your mum would be insisting on more time if she wasn't aware that her friend had a closer relationship with her grandchild than she does.

I think your mum is being very unreasonable. If she wants to help, she needs to offer something that actually is a help. If she wants to see her GC she needs to fit that in around your commitments and what you want to do with your life since you are way busier than she is. 15 months is very young for an overnight stay with someone your baby doesn't see that often.

FWIW my daughter is now 18 and has never seen either set of grandparents more than a few times a year since they were both quite a long journey away (one set involved a flight or ferry, the other a few hours driving). She has good relationships with all of them now. She has never stayed overnight with either set of grandparents unless we were all visiting as a family.

I think YANBU to want to prioritise your time with your son and family time when you're working full time. Or pointing out to your mum the reason for Jane's close relationship with Bill.

As someone else suggested, I'd mention to your mum that she could pick him up from nursery at lunchtime say, once a week or once every couple of weeks around her holidays/schedule (if she arranges in advance with you and nursery). It doesn't benefit you financially as you'd still be paying for the full time space but would give her the flexible extra time with her DGS that she seems to want and strengthen their bond. Then if you did need babysitting at some point (a wedding or something), it'd be less stressful as their relationship would be at that point. If she doesn't take it up then you've done all you can. I totally get not really needing babysitting or overnights at just 15 months.

You could also reassure her that he will become much more interested once he remembers more, understands stories about her and your Dad, knows about little toys they have bought him or whatever. At 15 months their circle of comfort/trust is just very small I think. My DD is 4 and now talks loads about relatives that she hardly sees, remembers them and what they've done, stories about them, presents they've given etc. She would have been the same as your DS at 15 months. I also found it helpful to print a little "my family" book for DD with pictures of her grandparents, aunts and uncles, first cousins and pets and we told her funny stories about them once she could understand.

You’re both working full time. Please don’t feel guilty about what you choose to do in your sliver of free time with your family.

I think once a month is reasonable. We see my in-laws about the same and we also like to have a chill weekend every month . The others are spent doing kids stuff usually.
I’d just be clear, “mum we have discussed this Jane provides childcare which is why she sees her grandson weekly. I know you would like to have him on a weekend but with both of us working full time we don’t want time away from him at the moment”

Yanbu. It’s totally reasonable when you’re working full time to want most weekends as your nuclear family time because there’s not much time with just your son so it’s precious when you do get it.

YANBU OP mine are in primary school now and I feel the same. You have precious little time to spend with your DS, why would you want to give that up, even for your own DM.

I agree with you op. Nothing wrong with what you or they are doing but it will take longer to develop a close bond.

Slightly different with me as I worked pt and did see my parents more often when the dc were younger, but over the years they never had the dc on their own (apart from babysitting a couple of times a year when the kids were in bed or nearly there. Never took them out for a couple of hours without me, never offered to have them overnight. They would come to stay or we'd stay there and they would 'help' but it was largely being company for me or doing the cooking while dc were always mine and DH's responsibility. My dd are 11 and 13 now and not close to their GP, although they love them of course. You just don't have that kind of closeness unless you spend time together and develop a bond.

I would do as you do, most weekends are family time, see them once a monthish. The weekdays are so busy at that age, I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting to disrupt the post nursery routine.

It’s hard to explain, but it’s never just a few hours. By coming over for Sunday lunch they mean coming over at 10 and leaving at 4. A weekend of no plans is something I’ve done for years and It’s one of the best things I do for my mental health and more so now I’m busier than ever. And I don’t want to make lunch while she plays with my son in a paddling pool. I want to be playing with him. I make lunch every day. I know people might say that’s petty but that’s how I feel.

Oh please. I would feel so upset at knowing that I only have two weekends for ‘just’ my family and have to make time for others to satisfy them. Your dps could put in more effort if they want that sort of relationship. Take them up on the baby sitting op.

They do fly by! People are talking about a few hours, but when the weekends aren’t long enough anyway that’s a few hours too many.

He’s still very young. It sounds like hasn’t adjusted to you not being on maternity leave anymore.
The suggestion of her getting him from nursery might work eg Weds afternoon Granny pics him up after lunch (still pay ft place for when away)

It's a real shame she can only see him when it's helpful to you. A relationship with his grandparents would be so beneficial to your son.

I think they’re brilliant grandparents and my son adores them. I do think I nurture a relationship with them. We see them for (I aim for) a full day a month - longer if they’re busy or we’re on holiday. From my perspective they don’t need a closer bond. He’s just not as loud and outgoing as her friends grandson and I think she sees that from Bill and thinks that Ben doesn’t do that because they aren’t as close.

I know childcare is a huge commitment and I’ve never asked or expected it. But that means that she won’t see as much as a family member who does and it’s my parents’ choice not to.

I’m on your side and understand wanting to ringfence your time with your child, but could you go to them for lunch, eg “we’ll come for 12.30 and leave by 3”? Or invite them for a coffee on a Saturday morning (not every week!) or cup of tea on a Sunday afternoon and put a time limit on it? Eg “we’ll need to get on with other things at X o’clock so it will just be for two hours but obviously that’s better than nothing!”

Could your mum pick your DS up from childcare once a week/fortnight when they’re not on holidays? Give them a few hours quality time with your son.

To make it work for you too, on your way home that day, is there something you can do, that might free up some of your weekend time?

I’m thinking along the lines of you getting the weekend grocery shop done or something like that. Frees up some weekend time for your little family and gives your parents time with your son.

Even if you use the time to pop home, put a load of washing on, put dinner on, have a cup of tea and then go and pick him up. Go to a yoga class, something for you maybe?

See if you can find a win win out of this and if they can’t do it some weeks because they’re on holidays, you’ve still got the daycare spot.

As they are only 30 mins away, do you never want to go out for an hour or so with DH? Date night? Cinema? Meal? Your parents could spend a couple of hours with DS, put him to bed, while he's in his own surroundings, rather than him stay overnight with them.

I think some family dynamics are just different. Personally, I totally see where you’re coming from. My PIL need hosting, for example. If they come round, I definitely don’t get to relax, I’m mostly in the kitchen/getting drinks and I definitely don’t see my son or husband. They spend the last hour or so on their phones or napping after lunch and they do little to help so once they’ve left, there’s the clean up. It’s not petty or selfish to not want to do this when you have a very busy week and just want to see your family. And having a free weekend a month is a great idea - nothing wrong with prioritising your mental health two days a month!

It's obvious surely. Your parents can't have it both ways. I live over 100 miles from my 2 DGC. I would have cared for them 1 or 2 days a week if they had lived closer to me. My own Mum looked after my DC 2 days a week so I could work and I saw how close they grew. I've helped to pay towards nursery fees as I feel a bit guilty I can't give my DD more support with DGC. When they were at nursery I did go down to look after them when they had chickenpoox because my DD works full time and first one DC got them and just over a week later the other one got them also when my DD had to go into hospital for a minor op. I chat with them on the phone, send an occasional post card and send ice cream money over half terms. They just came on holiday with me and DH over May bank holiday and we all had a great time.

My grandchild was born abroad during lockdown and was 11 months old before I clapped eyes on her in real life. My daughter video calls on WhatsApp most days and has done so for over 4 years, so I have a fantastic bond with this granddaughter.

I have another one a short distance away and see her every three weeks or so. I don't impose on their weekends because that's precious time for them.

Maybe I should start video calling them.

Because I want time just the three of us. My mum adores my son and seems to have the thought that we live with him, so when they’re together she wants all his attention. So I don’t feel like I get the quality time I want with him when my parents are around. And it would become: why don’t we stop at the cafe afterwards? I have XYZ to drop off at yours on the way back. Can I just come in to use the loo? Ooh while we’re here, shall we have a cup of tea before we go? It’s not malicious or devious, but it adds up.