To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

If they are not doing regular childcare, the child doesn't know them, their house not childproofed, they won't have a cot or toys, and no clue about what foods he wants and when.

I would be perfectly able to relax at my in laws, in principle. They are nice people and i have known them ages.

HOWEVER, going to theirs with a toddler means packing everything a child might need, waking up early to organize this, watch him like a hawk if the house is not childproof. Inform them about his eating schedule etc. I wouldn't be able to put my feet up and relax and leave them to it.

What about naps? I have a good sleeper but if he doesn't take his lunch time nap, we're fucked.

Mine also doesn't LOVE strangers. If we went to my in laws house, he would STILL just want to play with me and his dad. Because I'm his mum and he misses me.

So just not ideal. It's fine, but not my idea of relaxing or spending quality time with my child. And after a week of full time work, I get to decide what I find relaxing.

She’s about half an hour away. We tried weeknights and at the moment it doesn’t really work. DS doesn’t sleep well and wakes up to breastfeed multiple times per night, and so DH and I are tired. My parents usually wind him up and excite him which is lovely in the middle of the day to see him laughing, but when I’m the one dealing with a hyped up over tired baby refusing to sleep as a result I end up resenting it. When he’s older that would probably be lovely, but at this stage when his sleep is so difficult I do everything I can to maximise it.

You're right, it's not petty to have assessed and made decisions based on your family's needs. Working ft, nursery drop offs etc with a baby-toddler is really tiring. We also try to have one weekend a month with no plans for similar reasons, it's important as parents not to burn yourself out.

Depends partly on distance. Our Gdcs are an hour and a half’s drive away (a lot more in the rush hour.) I have done regular childcare (one day a week) but it meant going up the night before, and staying the night.

Unless there is more going on here the once every 6 weeks seems does seem like not very often to see your mum. But I see my parents and in-laws at least once every few weeks and they don't do childcare.

You might want to build a closer relationship between her and your child if you might want babysitting in the future (say if you have another child when giving birth). Lots of my friends would love parents who offered babysitting (we are v lucky).

I still don't understand why you reserve the entire 24+ hours of the weekend he's awake to be just you three?

Surely you can spare 1-2 hours and have Granny tag along to the park / pop over for tea and cake / take him to the library whilst you do housework for an hour or so / have her pop round and supervise him in a paddling pool for 30 minutes while you crack on with making lunch to all have together, have her come round Tesco with you, or let them have tea and toast in the café whilst you go round... It's doesn't have to be anything exciting. Spending mundane time regularly will build the bond.

You'd still spend c. 22 hours together doing family stuff every weekend!

Honestly it came across like this to me as well

I would ask her if she would like to pick him up from nursery one day per week and give him his tea if she lives near enough. That needn't be a tie if they want to go on holiday , he could leave a bit earlier if she was picking him up but stay at nursery until you or his Dad could pick him up if she's away. If she doesn't want to do that it's just a logical consequence that she will see him less than her friend sees her grandchild. I understand that you don't want to be tied down at weekends.

YANBU. Your mother sounds very annoying. I remember weekends with small kids flew by and we struggled to fit in life admin and family time without trying to incorporate time with the grandparents (who had moved hundreds of miles away). She's made her choices and you're entitled to make yours. Being a parent in the early years involves making bits of yourself for your child and partner and trying to keep track of work/home/friends/life too is a nightmare. Your mum shouldn't be trying to guilt trip you and you're perfectly entitled to spend time with her as and when you wish. It will get easier!

People are different.. it’s not hard to understand that some people have a different relationship with their parents to the one you have with yours.

They shouldn't be expected to do childcare, it's a huge commitment and doesn't mean they aren't good grandparents
It seems like your mum is really trying to be a good grandparent and form a closer bond, it will be great for your son to have that bond with his grandparent. How wonderful she wants to see and spend time with your precious boy. I'd give anything to have a grandparent like that for my 17 month old. I think you should do your best to nurture the relationship between them, a good relationship with other adults apart from mum and dad will be beneficial for your son.

But surely 1 day a week isn't too much of a commitment. Obviously on the occasion they went on holiday you'd have to take annual leave on that one day! They can't have it both ways.

This assumes that Granny is prepared to limit herself to an hour or two as the OP would wish. That's not a given.

Apparently it is!

Totally agree with you and I am the grandparent.
We have looked after all our grandchildren one day a week for quite a few years. Now it is more school pick ups and holidays. We have a great relationship with them. In a few years our grandchildren will be old enough to look after themselves after school and we won’t be needed so much. I don’t expect we will see them so often but this just how it is. Our children are very busy. I don’t mind. It works both ways. We will be able to have longer holidays and not be so tied.

They can't be active grandparents unless they provide childcare can they? Oh please..

My parents and are so busy that that’s how it was before my son was born too - and less often. On maternity leave I saw them more often for coffee and pop ins, but now I’m back at work I don’t. I don’t when I could meet for coffee or pop ins because I’m either working or with DS. It doesn’t feel unatural to meet once a month because that’s my baseline. We’re in daily text contact and chat all the time, but we don’t have a pop in relationship.

My mum looks after DS when I’m working.
Sister’s MIL looks after their DS.
So, Mum see’s more of my guy, and MIL more of her guy.
Doe that not make sense to your mum?

There's nothing OP saying that Granny is demanding whole days etc. they only live 30 minutes away, so Granny can easily come to them/meet up somewhere/tag along shopping. And again it's not that massive a deal.

I think posters who make comments like this don't necessarily have parents like the OP's mum is coming across to me.

It's quite hard to relax around anyone who is critical, complains, compares, guilt trips etc. Especially if they are your parent and have possibly been doing it your whole life - you're always on alert to please them and any disagreement is taken very personally.

@HookedOnAusten sorry if I am projecting too much here 😂

I don't. They're dead now but that's the relationship I have with other family members and what is envisioned if they were here. I also have lots of friends and they all have relationships like that with their parents where they go round and chill and it's not a huge event...just popping in for coffee or the odd meal. Or asking their mum to come with them while they're shopping or whatever
Only on here do I hear about these strained formal relationships with close relatives.

People don’t go no contact for no real reason.

Doing so is not some Mumsnet trend!

I don't think YABU.
You should prioritise your family and working all week is tough with childcare and life admin every day. Weekends are of course precious and you are right to protect your time with your little family.

Sounds like your Mum is jealous of the time her friend spends with her DGC but she doesn't want to adapt HER life to remedy this. Your Mum is expecting you to adapt YOUR life. DH and I do childcare regularly for my DGC and DH and I still go off on lots of holidays - our DC just have to sort alternative provision when we're away. It can be done.

If your parents only live half an hour away then surely you could incorporate a short visit from them into your “doing nothing” weekend? In fact couldn’t they look after Ben while you take the chance to run some errands or have lunch as a couple?

I agree with your basic point that Jane sees more of Bill because of childcare. And of course it’s your choice how you spend your weekends. But I do wonder if you’re going to regret your “my little family” attitude in time.

Again, why can't you see your mum with DS there?

I really don't understand why you can't just tag along with each other. Go to your mum "oh we're in town, want to meet up for coffee?" "We're off to so and so woods for a walk, come along?"