Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Hey OP hope you are okay after some of the responses you've received. Make the decision you can live with. Yes it's a mess but messes happen because life can be messy. I'm so glad your partner is supporting you and I hope everything works out for the best no matter your decision.

She was on the pill.

Not at all. Stop picking in to everything and reading between the lines here. It’s a turn of phrase.

I took a test once, fully expecting it to be negative. My partner at the time was in another room. I thought I would take one just in case and not bother telling him I took it if I was negative. It was positive, I went in to him and said “we have a bit of a problem” - he could tell by the look on my face that it was an understatement. I ended up having a termination and I never regretted it.

I’m hoping this thread will fill up and end so the OP doesn’t receive any further attacks dressed up as ‘opinions’

Not biased at all? Your post basically says “People who agree with me versus selfish fuckers”.

Personally I see the divide as glass half empty versus glass half full people.

Glass half full: Yes it’s all happened quickly but give it a go, maybe things will turn out ok. Maybe a new baby and new relationships will heal hearts and one day you can be a happy family. If it doesn’t work out your chap sounds decent and you will manage fine.

Glass half empty: Your bloke doesn’t want this, you won’t cope, you’ll ruin everyone’s lives especially the kids lives, your partner can’t have a new baby until granny and grandad say so and what will the neighbours/school gate say!

I’m glass half full.

According to her.

We have zero evidence other than her word. And the fact she seems very pleased with herself.

It is an utterly selfish thing to do.

He doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want his kids to suffer because of it.

Shes the only one happy with it.
That’s the very definition of selfish.

I agree. The post you quoted was another one that annoyed me.

My stance is - this is OP’s decision. The dad can choose to be involved or not, and that’s his decision. He can make his own decision based on his own circumstances and so can the OP.
I would get a termination if it happened to me, but I’m not OP and I believe she should get to choose for herself. And that keeping the baby doesn’t automatically mean that she doesn’t give a shiny shit about anyone else. And that it can be managed mindfully by both the OP and the Dad if he chooses to be involved. So I don’t fit in to either of that posters ‘camps’

It being her decision doesn’t change the fact that one choice would be an incredibly selfish one with zero thought for the other 5 people it will significantly impact.

Lot’s of people on here can read minds it seems.

You have zero evidence that she wasn’t on the pill so why are you so sure?

Because she’s pleased about being pregnant to a man she’s been seeing since May, despite the fact he’s clearly unhappy about it.

Shes the only one happy with it.
That’s the very definition of selfish

Wow, raising a baby for the best 18 years is selfish?

Being a single mother is the least selfish thing you can do!!

I have not seen a shred of evidence that she’s not thinking of anyone else in this situation.
If she genuinely didn’t give a shit, why would she even bother posting about it and asking for advice?

If she genuinely didn’t give a fuck about anyone else, we wouldn’t know anything about it because she wouldn’t be after any advice and she was just carry on regardless. Maybe she is trying to find a way to go through with the pregnancy whilst minimising the impact on everyone else!

When it will have significant and detrimental consequences to children, it is selfish.

Even if that was the case - On what planet is that evidence she wasn’t taking the pill

Who is she thinking of?

The man who doesn’t want it?

The children who have no idea about her?

Her own children who she is struggling financially to support?

Who else is she thinking of?

The pregnancy is pretty good evidence, then the fact he used condoms for all but one, and the fact she’s happy with the outcome despite it upsetting him…

Don't talk sense! Those looking to project and make up what's really happened with absolutely no proof to say otherwise, won't like your rational thought process!

To me, it is clear she is thinking about all of them but she is also thinking about herself. Which is totally fair enough.

You seem very keen to paint the OP as a terrible person.

Wanting validation she’s doing the right thing when she knows she’s doing the wrong thing, isn’t that crazy.

Are you always this naive or is it just an act for this particular conversation?

Yes, you’re right sorry 😂

And deluded enough to think he asked her to take pregnancy test in front of him to prove it, was NOT because he didn’t trust her. He does not trust OP.

If they were in any sort of relationship, with even 1% of trust, you wouldn’t make woman prove it while you watched, prove was pregnant and NOT scamming.

He is not kind
He does not trust her
They are not in a relationship

She just got a sperm donation to get her third baby.

@Winter2020 I agree that some people are glass half full and others are half empties. If this happened to me, I'd want to be in the half full camp, but knowing myself, I'd be better off in the half empty one! Ultimately, only the OP knows which camp really fits her.

What? Yes, according to her. Why do you assume she's lying about that?

Why weigh in with an opinion if you're going to rewrite the entire situation to suit your narrative?

Where has she said she wanted validation or that she knows she's doing the wrong thing? She's not even made a decision (while I appreciate she appears to be swaying towards continuing with the pregnancy).

People are not reading what the OP has said and are making up their own narrative.

They will both be in shock and he only found out last night. She came to try sort her head out.

Neither me or my children could imagine a life without my youngest. Or my SC for that matter. So no one has the right to say she will be doing the wrong thing whatever she decides.

If some peoples children don't feel secure about a new sibling, I'd say you've not done your job right to make them feel secure. Something I did with my children who are full siblings because it's the responsible thing to do. No different with 'half' siblings.

Living together is different, but that's not even been mentioned.