Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

You have NO idea what it will do to the children.

She knows it’s the wrong thing which is why she posted on here.
If it was the right thing, she’d be excited to tell him. She wouldn’t be posting it as a problem on AIBU.
Your passive aggressive comment in regard to your superior parenting is wildly misplaced here.

Yeah. Fuck it. Why not just find out instead of taking an educated guess? What could go wrong?

Not everything is doom and gloom. You don't have to be unhappy all the time.

I won’t be. It doesn’t affect me.

It’s the children that will be.

You know, you don’t have to be a selfish parent all the time. You could consider the children now and again. Not just expect them to put up with your whims and wants.

Seriously can people just stop making shit up.

@Donaldfothank you for the updates.

I think he sounds serious about you and possibly the baby, to be telling his wife’s family about you.

I am sorry to see you are getting some stick on here, follow your own choices regardless of others opinions- and yes I have also seen threads where a ‘dad’ is telling a woman (after a one off) to terminate because he’s not ready to be a dad and everyone tells her it’s her choice/ her kids will adapt/ it will be ok etc…

please take care x

Why. Just why would she lie to a load of strangers on the internet? What would she gain from that?

Come to think of it, what are you gaining by being so nasty?

If you make everything a trauma, everything will be.

If you get on with it, realise that not everything has to be a disaster and put some effort in, it might just work out.

Lots of things happen in life. You can never know how something will go, you can never know what the path not taken.

It's not nasty, it's realistic.

She would lie for the same reason thousands of other posters do: to skew public opinion and receive the positive affirmations she wants to hear. She will know deep-down going through with this pregnancy will have a negative impact on everyone involved, especially the four existing young children being thrown into this mess - anybody with half a brain would.

"I skipped the pill and faked an oopsie-baby because I wanted a third and this bloke seemed pretty reliable" wouldn't get the responses she's looking for, would it?

Their mum is dead.
Their dad has got a random woman from the school run pregnant.

That’s traumatic.

Your complete disregard for children’s wellbeing is crazy.

I can understand why people are suspicious. Less than one % of women will get pregnant within a YEAR while taking pill perfectly. The chances of OP getting pregnant the ONE time they didn’t use extra protection seems infinitesimal…
But, possible explanations are that a pill was missed or OP had a sickness bug.
He wants OP to spend time with his kids. I think he’s considering whether OP could be good for his kids rather than a negative. A mother figure. I hope it’s not going to end up being too much too fast for his kids.

If you tell yourself it's traumatic it surely will be. If you tell the children it's traumatic then that's how they'll view it too.

You don't know anything about these people or how they feel.

He's entitled to have some feelings about this news - and he's entitled to not immediately know what they are. Nothing indicates to me that's he's unhappy about it, it's a lot to take in and he's reacted accordingly.

And as for him not believing it was accidental, that's pure conjecture.

Just for one moment, put yourself in OP’s shoes. Let’s pretend, for the sake of this exercise, that she is telling the truth.

Now re-read your posts as the OP, knowing that you didn’t get pregnant on purpose. How would you feel?

People post on AIBU for advice all the time. How can we give meaningful advice if we go around accusing every poster of being a liar and assuming the narrative is always something different than what is being told to us?

These children are gaining two half siblings plus an unplanned newborn sibling PLUS a step-parent they knew absolutely nothing about thrust on them in a short space of time. Likely moving into a house that won't be big enough for all of them, having to share bedrooms, as well having to live alongside another adult they barely know. You can tell the children that's a wonderful way to live until you're blue in the face, but it doesn't make it true. These situations almost always end badly, as much as the parents like to claim they're 'one big happy family' because it suits their narrative.

Where has OP said this was the plan? I must have missed that post…

I totally agree. Very few on this thread including the OP are considering the impact on his boys and his late wife’s family. Again, until you’ve lost a spouse you haven’t the faintest idea of the pain the entire family is going through. And it doesn’t magically stop because 3 and a half years has elapsed. That’s nothing. Grief is life long. I really feel for this bloke. Yes he shouldn’t have been so stupid to risk pregnancy with a barely started relationship. But from the OPs description he isn’t enthusiastic. And the OP clearly has no understanding of grief or being widowed. It’s a sad situation all round. The only people who matter here are those boys. I hope their dad puts them first regardless of anyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

You should be ashamed.

I don't always assume posters are lying. But I'm assuming this one is. The likelihood of 'accidentally' falling pregnant within 8 WEEKS of having sex whilst being on the pill AND using condoms is nigh on impossible.

Combine this with the fact that the OP seems pretty satisfied with her situation AND admitted she desperately wanted a third child, it's not hard to come to the conclusion it wasn't the accident she's claiming it was. Open your eyes.

You think making the OP take a pregnancy test in front of him is a sign he's happy about this?

I don’t assume posters are lying because being nasty to and accusing someone of lying who is in a pretty vulnerable position right now is not a nice thing to do. I’d rather be nice and wrong than horrible and right. Can’t you understand that?

The odds might be very low, but it’s not impossible that this happened exactly as the OP said it did. And given how many people post on AIBU, isnt it inevitable that this situation would arise on here at some point?

She absolutely doesn’t seem satisfied with it to me.

Why should she? She’s not the one being nasty here…