Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

What's the alternative? OP raising a newborn alone as a single parent, alongside two young children she's already admitted that she struggles with whose father isn't involved? Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for success for everyone involved.

She didn’t say that. She didn’t say he was HAPPY about it. Shellshocked I would say. He probably needs a bit of time to figure out exactly how he feels about it. Maybe he will feel unhappy about it, maybe he won’t. We can’t know can we?

You’re missing the point. You’re making up fake future scenarios and then being gleefully spiteful about them. Perhaps they might come up with a compromise that works best for everyone. Including OP.

She’s disputing the trauma that has been and will further be inflicted on two little boys, WHO HAVE LOST THEIR MOTHER, to suit her argument.

It’s absolutely sickening.

Who the fuck says two boys, whose mum has died, won’t be traumatised? That’s it’s all in their attitude towards it?

Sick. Absolutely sick.

Where did she say losing a parent isn’t traumatic? I read it that OP keeping the baby need not be traumatic for them. If it’s managed properly.

If she's as 'vulnerable' as you claim, perhaps she shouldn't be posting on AIBU and asking for opinions? Or should this thread be an echo chamber of 'your body your choice' positivity?

Some posters are concerned about the impact on the children involved in the situation. Clearly you aren't.

What would that compromise look like in your eyes?

As far as I can see there are two options for OP if she keeps this baby, and both are crappy for the children involved.

Feel free to outline a third.

In the post I replied to. You can click on a button that says “show all quote history” and that will show all the replies in order x

And again, you’re making things up. Of course I care about the children involved. I care about OP as well. I already said if it were me then I would terminate. She’s had some good advice from both sides but she’s had a lot of unnecessary attacks levied at her too. There’s just no need for it.

I’ve read a few posts that have warned her she’s making a bad choice and they’ve managed to do so without accusing her of lying or gold digging. It’s not hard to word an opinion without being spiteful about it.

AIBU was the wrong place for kid glove replies.

Why on earth is that now what's 'going' to happen?? You've made that up entirely. Try and get a grip. There are so many ways of living, it doesn't have to be your one way everyone burns scenario

Its not about kids gloves replies, people have been spiteful and made many things up on this thread.

OP keeps the baby, they still live in separate houses. Dad is involved as much as he can be given his circumstances but homes are not blended for the foreseeable future. They manage it as sensitively as they can, monitoring all of the existing children’s reactions and being mindful of their opinions on it all too. They shower all existing children with love, as well as the new baby.

Again, it’s not what I would choose. I would absolutely terminate in OP’s situation (as I keep saying) I just don’t agree with her being attacked and accused of being selfish.

What would your proposed solution be? Force the OP to terminate? Constantly berate her until she feels coerced in to it?

How would she know it will have a negative impact on everyone when that's not everyone's experience?

And the bottom part is you just making stuff up. Surely that means every poster is lying then? Why does anyone reply if posts are only for an OP to be given the responses they want?

Or you think some are true and some aren't, with zero proof of either?

Admittedly I am probably sensitive as if I'd posted and took on board these responses, my amazing 10 year wouldn't be here. My older 3 children wouldn't have the sibling they love, and 2 sets of Grandparents wouldn't have a much loved grandchild.

Not everything is doom and gloom if you don't make it be.

People have been wilfully ignorant and disregarding of children’s wellbeing too.

That’s social media for you.

Ah yes, the whole ‘we are posting on AIBU and we are so very proud of being known as a nest of vipers that we are allowed to call posters selfish lying gold diggers during one of the worst times of their life’

Great argument.

What's the alternative for OP if she keeps the child? Other than raising the newborn alone alongside two children she already struggles with? Is there a magical third option that is suddenly going to lessen the impact on both her existing children and his?

Had your children lost their mum just a few years previously?

Did you fall pregnant with your third child to a man you’ve been having secret casual sex with for a few weeks?

“The kids will be fine. Trauma is just a mindset”

Is so much better

I made one suggestion above…

What would you suggest? Coerce her in to an abortion? Force her to have one?

Yes. This. This is now out and out bullying someone into terminating.

The other poster didn’t say that. Youre missing the nuance…
But still a crap argument. ‘She was nasty so that means I can be’ (even though she wasn’t nasty)

She said trauma was all about how parents managed situations when discussing two boys who have lost their mother.

It was disgusting.

All of the adults I know who grew up in a blended family situation hated it. The adults involved always convince themselves it's a wonderful idea and that everybody is having a great time in their big happy family, but it's hardly ever beneficial for the children involved. I'm sure sometimes it works out fine, and that's great, but I'm yet to hear a positive account from an actual child involved.

OPs situation is so much worse as she barely knows this man or his children and is already pregnant. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Yep you’re right. That totally allows you to call the OP a lying gold digger and insist that she gets a termination. My mistake, carry on. You could even try to be nastier if you wanted to!