Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

The saddest thing about an accidental pregnancy is that after Parliament passed the Bill last month, babies can abort right up to the last month.

New life is a wonderful thing.

Absolutely this.

The OP has said she wants to keep the baby. So either give suggestions on how to make this more manageable for everyone involved or leave her alone.

But you are spectacularly missing the point that the OP thinks she’s going to continue with the pregnancy , therefore looking at the positives is pertinent to the situation.
Lots of people are single parents for various reasons other than their partner dying- strange thing to say.
Relationships break down, people sometimes choose to have a baby in their own.
Yes ideally a child would have a present mum and dad but that isn’t always possible and in the case if the OP I’m saying she would likely be fine IF and it’s a big if, the boyfriend chooses not to be involved.
Boys can have role models other than a father in the home and I think at the moment in this country a large proportion (was 40% a couple of years ago) of families living in poverty are working and two parent families.
The op needs to consider all of the factors however if she wants the baby (which she alludes to) there’s little point not seeing the positives and how she can make it work

Please read all her posts carefully.

She said she is leaning towards keeping it which is not the same as likely.

She also says she is not rushing into any decision.

Before telling posters to shut up with their opinions, read what she has written.

Finally! Well said

Except it's not what she said!

You also stated that the partners wife had been dead 2 years which also is not what she said.

I’m undecided but if I’m totally honest I don’t know if I could go through with a termination,

Final post by OP so far.

Oh silly me, make it 3 years and you'll be happy now.

Saying she doesn’t think she could go through with a termination suggests she is more likely to keep the baby.
Regardless telling her that her situation is shit when she’s vulnerable isn’t that helpful.
if she wants a termination, it will be fine as long as she has the right support. She can get counselling, get support and come to terms with the decision.
If she decides to go ahead, it will also be fine and she will make it work.

Best of luck, OP.

I'd probably be classed as one of the doomsayers, but my main concern was simply whether the OP can cope, financially, emotionally, and practically, with being a single parent to three children. Her older two have a hands-off Dad, so she does pretty much all their parenting.

@Grapewrath People are being cautious because so many MNetter's post saying that they're struggling with parenting. We're all different though and if the OP can navigate this, that's great.

3anda half, which makes a big difference to a child and potentially her boyfriend.

I’ve been following this thread and read everyone’s comments- and re read your own from the beginning… I agree you do sound a decent person he sounds alright I don’t know either of you- personally, but as level headed and chill you sound about this I wonder if there is a part of you that is a little happy about the situation? Not saying you purposely did this- it takes two to tango- but your calm chillness on this- I don’t think most people
in a 8 week old relationship with a widower with kids would be so chill. I don’t agree with anyone saying have an abortion- ultimately no one can or should tell you that. But what I would say is you’ve got yourself (and he has got you both in this also) a real deep mess- as I previously commented about all the kids- especially the ones who lost their
mother - it’s serious business. As you said you were very careful for them to never know you were seeing one an other- well it’s skipped a stage or 7 and you’re now pregnant. I just think in honesty you
may be trying to convince yourself this will all be rosy. I really hope you’re right if that’s the route you choose to go down having the baby of a man who the children are friends with his kids and he’s still wearing his wife’s wedding ring and you are just 8 weeks in…and no one not even the kids know you’re together … just protect the kids and also yourself- this is a huge thing you’re considering going forward with…. Be prepared for hard times if it doesn’t pan out . No matter how nice he is- stress can change a person and he will be nice 8 weeks in…. It can change pretty fast when serious life changing events occur with stress involved

I think practical and non judgemental advice like this is what the op was looking for tbh. Some of the replies have just been unkind and scathing

Because the happy family with the kind man dream ends and there’s no going back to the fun getting to know you stage of dating and dreaming of a future.

its ends, all the fantasy future.

This.
Major implications for all

The reassurances OP needs should be coming from man friend, not MN,

You keep talking about the fact that you saw each other for playdates, chats at the school gates and birthday parties before you got together as though you think that means you've skipped several stages and it's not a new relationship really. But those are just things you do with acquaintances from your kids school, they don't signify intimate knowledge of the other person or any kind of commitment, let alone readiness to have a child together.

Agreed. In her own head, the OP seems to have built this relationship up into more than it actually is.

Oh OP! You really have rose-tinted glasses on.
Despite what you say, I don't think you have truly considered your existing children and his children. This is such a bad idea.

I agree too 100%.

Even the way you worded it... "bit of a situation with widowed dad". A bit of a situation would be a misunderstanding about a forgotten lunchbox or whatnot. Being pregnant, eight weeks into a casual relationship, by a widowed dad of two young children is not a "bit of a situation".

That is very true

Going back to OP’s very first post - yes, she does sound pleased. From further posts, the widower less pleased.

Folk project their experiences onto other folks situations. He sounds a decent bloke and whilst widowed people have grief to deal with, they generally don’t hate their exes! There’s no bitterness involved usually.

Ok fair enough, she said she is leaning towards it.

Im not talking about people sharing their opinions - many have done so without being nasty and vicious. There have been some well thought out responses but there have been far too many of people telling her she is selfish, that she is behaving like a teenager, that she must have done it on purpose, that she’s after his deceased wife’s money (I mean WTAF with that one?!) which, when you think about it, also needs the same response you gave me seeing as she hasn’t actually made a decision yet… interesting that you’ve chosen to quote me and none of the vicious replies she has had by telling them she hasn’t actually made a decision yet.