To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

I feel like it’s only in MN-land where the curtain twitchers sipping their yearly thimble of watered down sherry gossip about the how it’s a shame that Mr and Mrs Smith’s marriage is on the rocks because they are having a clutches pearls vow renewal dontcha know.

Mumsnet is about 9 million unique users per month. It's not a tiny, niche group. Just because people don't say something in real life, doesn't mean they aren't thinking it.

I’m a wedding celebrant and have never done a vow renewal for an affair couple! If you’re having a celebrant lead your vow renewal, I’d recommend getting them to talk about why you’re doing this, just in case you have any cynical mumsnetters in the audience! 😂

It genuinely wouldn’t cross my mind that a vow renewal was because of a troubled marriage. I’ve never known anyone have one though so maybe I’m just naive. You’ve got a valid reason so go for it. I’d come up with a jokey invite about not doing it in full style the first time because of the imminent arrival of -insert child’s name here-. If you’re throwing a big party for everyone I’m sure they’ll be happy to get involved.

I simply don’t understand why any healthy marriage would need to renew vows.

By all means have a marriage blessing service or a fabulous anniversary party but a vow renewal…..by definition it suggests the original vows are in some way degraded or need strengthening.

I understand why people whose wedding wasn't what they hoped might want to do a sort of re-do but that’s possible without renewing vows but that said I wouldn’t expect people to put in the same effort/expense as being a guest at a first wedding.

In that sense no different to a friend of DH on his 3rd marriage and being a baffled as to why no one is joyous about shelling out for another destination stag and wedding and why the gift list is untapped.

Found one! 🤣

Why not have an anniversary party instead?
the few people I know who have had vow renewals they all had cheating husbands and all the marriages ended within a couple of years of the ceremony

No, it's just not the kind of thing you say to anyone's face

I’ve only been married 2 years but had a small wedding as not much money and I’ve always said I’d move a vow renewal at 10 years hoping to have more money but I’ve also been told that people will think one of us has cheated 😩

No, I would assume it was for exactly the reasons you said: that they didn't get the big do they wanted first time around, that the wedding was rushed or stressful or something.

I think that’s^ why people think about cheating.
If you haven’t had the wedding you wanted I would expect you to do a big anniversary party. Do a lot of lovely speeches with lots of promises to each other, do poems, songs, dances, presents but focus on anniversary bit, don’t pretend you have not been married all these years. 😀

Exactly that. Do it.

Would they even tell you if they were an 'affair couple'? It's unlikely anyone knows why another couple is doing a vow renewal.

How many of us really go the wedding we wanted? Mine wasn't the perfect day, but I got married to the love of my life, and that was the important part.

Your wedding day is something that happens once, whether it's at a registry office, church, chapel in Vegas or a huge multi-day event at a castle. Doing it again is a bit like playing dress ups.

Throw an anniversary party

People tell me all sorts of juicy details! Then say, “Oh, but we don’t want that bit mentioning!” 😂 Couples are very open with me about what their relationship is like. I don’t know if that’s a celebrant thing or if I just have one of those faces that makes people open up?!

They tell me why they have chosen to re-commit themselves, and it’s often having overcome difficult health issues combined with a significant anniversary. Sometimes not having had the best original wedding is a factor, eg a family member having died close to/at the wedding.

There’s all sorts of reasons why people choose to re-commit themselves. If you want to celebrate 10 years, go for it!

I would have liked a 25 wedding anniversary party but three of my friends are divorcing so just didn’t feel it was appropriate.

I have been to one vow renewal and they did indeed divorce. It was my much older sisters so went to her wedding and vow renewal.

A relative of mine had one, but they wrote "VOWEL renewal" on all the invitations and all their facebook posts. Everyone was too polite to correct them.

I think it's wild you assume you are being told the whole truth

Vow renewal is only for a marriage that's broken down for some reason. I would roll my eyes at being expected to attend a ceremony like that regardless of why your marriage has struggled, you should keep it private really in my view. I don't know why anyone wants the whole world to spend a day thinking about all the problems you've had as a couple, I find that extremely strange.

If you want a big party, then hold a 10 year anniversary party. Anniversaries are positive and happy events, celebrating the achievement of being together. A white dress is fine if it isn't too OTT - you'd look daft in a meringue for example, but fine in a slim fitting nice dress.

If you want a honeymoon then organise childcare and take one, presuming you can afford it. Honeymooning doesn't have an expiry date.

Who gives a shit what people think 🤷🏼‍♀️ you and your DH know the truth and if you're that bothered then put something on the invites, you are invited to the wedding we couldn't have first time around...

Unfortunately it’s the first thing I think.

Having been a wedding planner for 2 decades, 80% of the renewals I’ve planned have been cause they vows have been broken.

This! It's a great idea because you can make it a theme of the party without any of the negative connotations.

So yes, you could wear a wedding dress if you really wanted to. Get a wedding cake. Do all the things you didn't get to do the first time around. Speeches, dance, everyone dressed to the nines, etc etc.

Plan a 'honeymoon' straight after the party. If you can't jet off on holiday, have a few days' staycation at somewhere really special here at home.

But the vow renewal? There is something to be said for just keeping to the vows you already made. They are lived every single day of a marriage and do not need renewing unless they've been broken (which is one reason why it implies something has gone wrong).

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart I hope you figure out what you really want to do and that you have a fantastic time!

I agree with just having an anniversary party.
I never really gave renewing wedding vows much thought but once I think about it, the majority I know of have committed adultery I’m afraid. Some got divorced pretty quickly after the renewal too.
Back in the day when people had long marriages, they just had anniversary parties. They only began at 25 years though. I remember relatives of mine having their 60th wedding anniversary celebration. I doubt many people would get that far now.