To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

I think this is about feelings though. If you feel that the moment is gone and there is no point trying to get it back then that's how it will be for you. If someone else feels that they will get happiness from a do over, then that's to do with their feelings which are just as valid.

OP its a free party. People will love it! Noone will think more than that i think.

I wouldn’t call it a vowel renewal, I’d call it “the wedding we never had”

The reality is, no one cares about your vow renewal. It’s between the married couple, that's it. Knock your socks off if you want it, but don’t make it a thing, because it really isn’t. Sorry if I’m being harsh, but your marriage isn’t anyone else’s priority.

We renewed our wedding vows on what should have been our eldest daughter's 18th birthday - we had her name read out during our vows and acknowledged that it was her 18th birthday and we raised a happy toast to her at the reception as we thought it was a lovely way to remember her and we'd always wanted to renew our vows after a rushed wedding 16 years before - I didn't even realise that people get so sniffy and judgemental about vow renewals.

We did make sure that we had a "no gift" policy because it was a vow renewal, so nobody thought we were grabby and we paid for everything and I donated my wedding dress and other things to the PDSA animal charity afterwards.

We hadn't been having any marital issues before we renewed our vows, didn't expect or want anything from anyone, only invited close family and didn't get into any debt for it and are about to celebrate our Silver Wedding Anniversary later this year.

If you want to do it, do it - don't worry about what others think x

I wouldn't think that - but probably would think it was a bit self-indulgent and "look at me", especially if the attendees are all the same people who came last time. They still turned up, regardless if you had to plan it in a rush, and it wasn't quite what you wanted. They still gave up their day and came to support you.

By all means, have a get-together for the immediate friends and family who live locally. But expecting cousins/aunts/uncles/friends etc who live far away... Expect a lot of "Gosh! I'm sooooo sorry! I'm booked in to have my leg amputated that day!!"

As an aside, I tagged along to a friends parents vow renewal when I was about 14 - in a church and everything - it's 25 years later, and they're still happily married. I never learnt the reason for the vow renewal, or if I was told, I've forgotten.

I’d call it a Belated Wedding and tell everyone it will include all The best bits and none of the stress. Have a great time

I used to want to do it at some point but actually it just makes me think that one party has cheated and the couple are trying for a fresh start.

so no, I wouldn’t do it. But I understand why you might want to. I had a great wedding. I just wanted to do it again. I’m 20+years married though so I think it would look awful.

Well I never did it because i hadn’t broken any of my original vows, so couldn’t see the point of it. But each to their own.

I think they are grotesquely self-indulgent.

Expecting people to go to great lengths, and often some expensive, so you can have a pretend wedding is selfish.

I'd try to make excuses if I was invited to one. If i couldn't get out it, i'd spend the day feeling resentful that my time and good-wishes were being stolen.

For me - part of what was important in my wedding was the promise of til death do us part. I really don’t see the point in vow renewals. It’s like you didn’t mean it the first time.
By all means have a huge party with speeches etc but I don’t get saying the vows again.

100% that was exactly why I arranged renewals of vows which didn’t even actually happen because of his behaviour
I suppose I wanted one last nice set of photos with all the children dressed up, Knowing the shit storm that was ahead of them poor little souls

Did everyone here actually have vows at their wedding? We did my first, which was in a church and all that, but he certainly didn't keep them and so neither did I at the end! Second wedding no vows, but we are 20 years in and no sign of falling apart yet. I don't think its always the vows that are the important bit!

I had family members who did a vow renewal at 25 years for really similar reasons, they invited their best friends and closest family and had a ball. They couldn’t afford the wedding they really wanted when they first did it. I wouldn’t automatically assume that there was an issue no, but if it were me I might be quite vocal that ‘neither of us has cheated, we just want a re-do’ My family members had their vow renewal 7 years ago and they seem to be still going strong!

I would assume someone had cheated.

Anniversary party👍. It seems like a nice thing to do since you didn’t get to have the wedding you wanted. If people roll their eyes, who the hell cares. We don’t celebrate enough in my opinion. Life is short, have all the fun you want.

We renewed our vows a few weeks ago, just the three children and 1 son in law then…it was good fun

the only person saying that vow renewal means divorce out of the people who knew we were doing it was me 😀

married for 35 years in a few months and together for 39 years at the end of the year

it doesn’t matter what people think….just do it if you want to

Any person under the age of 50 that I've known who has done a vow renewal was because of infidelity. Vows don't expire. By all means have a Belated Wedding, but I'd think it a bit cringey if you were dressed as a bride 10 years after your wedding. I'd also be making it very clear that presents are not to be bought.

Unless the original vows were broken, or the original vows specified a time limit, vow renewals are a complete nonsense.

Just have a party, make speeches and enjoy yourselves.

I think that's great!

yes of course we had vows. We didn't write our own they are in the church service.

I would think that if someone said that then their own marriage is shaky.

Go for the full on vow renewal.

But you may want to add a disclaimer to the invitation that nobody got caught cheating, your marriage is not circling the drain, and you’re not grotesquely self-indulged just in case any of your friends are MN contributors to vow renewal threads 😁

Seriously though, do it and have fun!

I’ve never thought that. I always just assume people want to renew their vows or weren’t happy with their original wedding.

Don't know which way to vote, but I would see it as a sign of a marriage more likely to be in trouble.

I might, but would certainly never wish to, attend.