To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

I wouldn't think this no. But I also would probably gear towards doing it privately with husband and wouldn't feel the need to have everyone there to watch. Like first time it's important to have everyone at the ceremony because it's a display of you commitment publicly, but they've already seen that so why need to see it again? Still nice to renew together for various reasons, like milestones anniversaries or kids flying the nest or your reasons seem a good reason.

You could have a private or very small ceremony and have a big party afterwards?

But if you want to have everyone there I don't see why not if that's what you want? Noone with a kind heart will be thinking negative things like that and if they are they aren't worth bothering over.

OP, it wouldn’t enter my head, and anyway do you really care if some people think that? Let them think that if they want, you know the truth. If you want to do this (and I do understand why you would) then do it and enjoy the day! I am from N Ireland and in my parent’s generation at least it’s not an usual thing to do for a significant wedding anniversary and definitely wouldn’t be seen as a sign the marriage is in trouble due to infidelity or any other reason, quite the opposite it’s usually a sign of a strong marriage when people want to do this I would say.

I hope people don’t think that about a vow renewal I’m having one next year but only because when we got married 5 and half years ago we couldn’t afford a church wedding and planned the whole thing in 3 months on a very tight budget this time we have more money and more time to plan something and can afford a church wedding and the sacrament is important to me

It would totally enter my head - especially having just watched 'Four Seasons' on netflix!

I would personally call it an anniversary party, but as others have said it doesn't really matter what others think. Definitely have a party though!

Just don’t call it a vow renewal, call it an anniversary party or just a party, who needs an excuse? and do it exactly the way you want. Only invite the people you love and who love you and they and you will have a wonderful time, whatever the reasons for it and behind it.

I had a rubbish wedding day too, so I feel your pain. Immediately afterwards I fixated on the idea of a renewal because it would be a do-over, particularly because I hated my dress (it was a cheap one that my mother pressured me into buying) and I desperately wanted to have the wedding boutique shopping experience and have a really beautiful dress. I so wanted to be spoiled and made to feel special and it didn't happen. It's been 25 years and it doesn't hurt so much now, but when I look back, I'm still sad about it. That day taught me some hard lessons about my mother. If I'd known them sooner, I would have done things very differently.

But the thing about wedding vows is that they don't expire, and the thing about a wedding day is that, if you keep the same husband, you really only get one. Maybe it's a good day, maybe it leaves you disappointed and heartbroken, but either way, that's the day you got. For me a renewal of vows wouldn't mean anything. I would feel like an idiot going to a bridal boutique now.

I agree with the posters who said have a ten year anniversary party instead.

If you want the whole church & reception event then go for a blessing? No cringey vow renewal, it's an acknowledgement of cherishing 10 years together.
Or just go for a 10 year anniversary celebration party.

My DH and I are of the view that our vows were made until death, neither of us have broken them so no point in renewal.

However my Aunt and Uncle had a celebration on their 25th Anniversary that included a thanksgiving service for their marriage. It was beautiful and moving. There was nothing about repeating their vows but it was a lovely celebration. For our 25th we had a big party with friends and family. We didn't do anything for our 40th as I was waiting to go into hospital for major surgery. We would like to celebrate our 50th with thanksgiving but we've got a few years to go yet.

I wouldn't automatically think anything negative. I'd think how lovely.

I'd actually think you were still very much in love to want to celebrate your marriage again 10 years later.
I've been married to DW for going on four years and we've always said we'll renew our vows at the ten year mark.
Not a lot of people could attend our wedding, so we had a very small ceremony with two witnesses and hopefully, by the time the renewal comes around, more people will be in a position to attend (we live 4 hours away from DW's family and if was a bad time covid wise).

Personally, people can think what they like. Only you know what your marriage is like, and if you want to celebrate it then you should without having to worry about other people think.

It will have tongues wagging of what someone has done wrong to “necessitate” a renewal. Besides that, it’s a bit cheesy and awkward x

The whole point of vows is they're they're forever. If they need to be redone, what was the point and what is the point?

I find vow renewals a bit cringe to be honest. Personally, I would just have a big anniversary party.

Could you have a 10th anniversary party instead? Even though the wedding wasn't what you wanted, you probably meant the vows, so don't necessarily need to redo them.

People used to just have anniversary parties.

I think of the definition of renewal:

1. to resume after an interruption
2. to extend the period of validity
3. to replace or repair

So yes, to me, a renewal of your vows does indicate that the original vows (made until death do us part) have been compromised in some way.

Vow renewal with guests - no. Vow renewal without guests potentially lovely.

Trying to have a second wedding because your first wasn’t amazing doesn’t feel like there isn’t a problem. Why would you spend all that money and soend all that time planning? Sharing an intimate moment with your spouse on say a holiday, lovely.

I’d do a nice anniversary party not a renewal.

I’ve personally never been to a vow renewal, but yes, would assume there had been trouble in paradise. I wouldn’t want to say new vows, because the ones I said 15 years ago still apply. They don’t need re-doing and symbolically it wouldn’t sit right if it seemed like they did.

I do know one person who has had 3 weddings. Well, ‘weddings’ as irony is none of them were actually legal marriage ceremonies, because her partner won’t marry her for financial reasons, but they were sort of blessings with a party after. I think she keeps having another one because she was disappointed in the previous ones. But people definitely rolled their eyes at #3. It gets a bit silly after a point.

However, I think a big anniversary is a wonderful excuse for a party. Have a big wedding like party. You could be a bit tongue in cheek about it. Make it very over the top wedding ish, but without the wedding ceremony (you already did that). Do really classic wedding things. Get up and have little speeches to each other at dinner, ask friends to say something or do a toast. I think that’s quite sweet. You just leave out the actual ceremony, because you’re already married.

Because repeating the vows is a bit weird, isn't it.

Not at all. That's what renewal means. My husband told me he loved me for life on our wedding day, doesn't mean he can't say it again. So a celebration of the day is fine, but recreating the most important part of the day as a way of reinforcing or remembering it is somehow wrong?

Nah. This is just contrived thinking because a lot of people on here have something against weddings and renewals. It's not based in fact. There's something spiteful in the way some people are determined to reach for the worst possible interpretation. And it becomes self fulfilling because people like OP then don't do it for fear of ridiculous judgement like this.

I completely get why you want the big do, because you missed out on being a 'bride' when you actually got married. Unless you're from a culture where having a blessing/renewal is what's done as well as a celebration, people are going to speculate. Let them!
I say, you do you. If you want a big do and a white frock, why not? Have a lovely celebration when it arrives.

They don't "need" to be redone, any more than an anniversary "needs" to be celebrated; the wedding was presumably for life too, so why mark it? But for some people, they're a nice way of refreshing and reminding them of the day and their love. It's a pity so many people can't relate to that.

An anniversary is an achievement. Renewing vows isn’t.

We’ve renewed ours twice, once at a Las Vegas event in London when I was pregnant with our first, second time in the actual Las Vegas. No guests, no presents, no party and no affairs, just an opportunity to remember why we still love each other and refresh our commitment in a very quiet, personal and, inadvertently hilarious way, that we still giggle about today. Still together after 25 years.

It's a bit of a reach to suggest people who don't see the need for a renewal are "against weddings."

I wanted to do it in Vegas as I thought it would be fun/a laugh. Would have just been DH and me and our two girls, dressed up as my bridesmaids. He wasnt keen though we've been married almost 30 years, this was just over 10 yes ago.