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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

193 replies

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 11:15

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

OP posts:
Cabbageheads · 04/07/2025 13:34

ifherbumwereabungalow · 04/07/2025 13:32

We’ve renewed ours twice, once at a Las Vegas event in London when I was pregnant with our first, second time in the actual Las Vegas. No guests, no presents, no party and no affairs, just an opportunity to remember why we still love each other and refresh our commitment in a very quiet, personal and, inadvertently hilarious way, that we still giggle about today. Still together after 25 years.

I would do it that way, privately, for the two of us, for fun, but it's very different to wanting a white dress and an audience.

LadyLapsang · 04/07/2025 13:36

The other reason I think people used to wait until at least the Silver wedding anniversary for a celebration was the cost. A lavish lunch or dinner for lots of people where you foot the whole bill can be very expensive so most people who wait until their children were adults. It used to be this is what we have created together from our marriage - children, grandchildren, professional success, contribution to the Church and / or community.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 04/07/2025 13:37

Sorry OP - A neighbour was having a vow renewal and my immediate thought was “I wonder which one cheated?” It’s a standard “let’s try again”.

could you not just throw a big 10th anniversary party without the vow renewal?

Endofyear · 04/07/2025 13:41

I also had awful morning sickness on my wedding day - I enjoyed bits of it but overall I was just glad when it was over! For me it was the marriage that was important, not the wedding, and I would have been happy to just go the registry office with DH and a couple of witnesses. But I went through with the whole wedding thing mainly for my mum who organised it all and wanted family there etc.

35 years later, it really doesn't matter - the marriage is still going strong! I wouldn't want to renew our vows - we made them once and they are meant to last a lifetime. I feel no need to do it again!

If it's what you want, go for it. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, you're doing it for you not them.

Mylovelygreendress · 04/07/2025 13:45

I have been to 2 vow renewals and both were after the husband cheated.
We have been invited to another one but not going as I know that the man is still cheating .

Orange202 · 04/07/2025 13:53

I think you should just have a big 10th anniversary party, you and your husband can make short speeches in place of vows.

I may be a particularly bad person, but I would think that one of you had an affair and the vow renewal was to draw a line under it. Actually, I'd think that your husband had an affair, and you'd insisted on a public vow renewal so the other woman would know he'd picked you.

And I'm not anti-wedding at all! I find them very moving, why I wouldn't want to be a 'pretend' one.

Ellie1015 · 04/07/2025 14:02

SunShow · 04/07/2025 13:09

The whole point of vows is they're they're forever. If they need to be redone, what was the point and what is the point?

Show quote history

I think it is showing you still feel the same commitment to the vows rather than redoing them because they have been broken.

Appreciate others may feel once is plenty but I would never think someone renewing them was a bad thing or indication of infidelity and vows needing redone.

SuburbanSprawl · 04/07/2025 14:07

We renewed ours in a drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, simply because we thought it would be brilliantly naff.

Rather to our surprise the very lovely lady preacher took it seriously, though quite engagingly, and it was a lot more moving and meaningful than we expected or, actually, intended.

candycane222 · 04/07/2025 14:12

spilltheteapot · 04/07/2025 11:17

I would think it’s a bit OTT although would understand better once I knew your reasons (like your morning sickness etc).
What about a big anniversary party with a time slot for some heartfelt words to each other? It’s less formal.

Edited

This is the way to go I think. I would perhaps think a vow renewal was quite sweet for people entering a new phase of life after like 30 yrs marriage, eg empty nest or retirement, but at 10 I would invite people to celebrate our marriage, maybe invite a third party to say something about marriage and also as suggested here say something yourselves. Have a massive toast, both dress up,take pictures etc - make it clear to guests you are actively celebrating your marriage. But vow renewal does sound to me as though they are a bit in need of refurbishment! Sorry.

DramaAlpaca · 04/07/2025 14:15

ScratCat · 04/07/2025 11:27

I think vowel renewals are daft, the first ones don’t have an expiry date. And yes, I would assume it was because of infidelity that the original vows were broken.

I agree.

Ilovemyshed · 04/07/2025 14:16

Mikart · 04/07/2025 11:27

Just have an anniversary party

This ^

you’ve said your vows, just celebrate the distance.

candycane222 · 04/07/2025 14:22

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/07/2025 13:04

My DH and I are of the view that our vows were made until death, neither of us have broken them so no point in renewal.

However my Aunt and Uncle had a celebration on their 25th Anniversary that included a thanksgiving service for their marriage. It was beautiful and moving. There was nothing about repeating their vows but it was a lovely celebration. For our 25th we had a big party with friends and family. We didn't do anything for our 40th as I was waiting to go into hospital for major surgery. We would like to celebrate our 50th with thanksgiving but we've got a few years to go yet.

Oh this sounds lovely 💕

Duh · 04/07/2025 14:24

I think wedding renewals are cheesy and attention seeking. Plus they are for marriages that have (purportedly but rarely actually) overcome one partner’s infidelity or drug addiction.

Original poster
Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:29

godmum56 · 04/07/2025 12:15

As my late husband said when someone suggested it "Why renew vows when the old ones still work" But I'd absolutely do the wedding reception you never had....and a honeymoon too!

Omg yes - that too - we still haven't had a honeymoon!!

Thanks for all the responses - really mixed opinions.

I'm thinking I will go for it but maybe do the vows or a blessing part beforehand, with a very small group of people (or on our own/ with the kids).

And then do the big party after. Also leaning towards just calling it an anniversary party rather than vow renewal. Only thing is I really want to wear white and if it's an anniversary a white full length gown will surely look silly? Also thinking that people might not go out of their way to attend a 10 year anniversary party seriously as it's not such a huge milestone. Whereas, people do make an effort to go to a wedding/vow renewal even if it's inconvenient.

Definitely not expecting or wanting gifts. Got enough clutter to manage as it is. 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:30

JifNtGif · 04/07/2025 11:47

Vibes

😂That's exactly the image I have as well haha! But I should try care less what people think

OP posts:
Bridport · 04/07/2025 14:35

If I was invited I wouldn't go. I don't like weddings and so I'm not going to like a vow renewal.

Original poster
Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:39

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/07/2025 12:50

Yeah, vows don't expire, so I would think if someone was renewing them then one party has cheated. Either that or one of them is 'me, me, look at me' (typically the woman as she's the one all done up with fancy hair/make up/dress) and wants to be centre of attention again.

If you want a big party then have a 10th anniversary do. You can still wear a nice dress, but perhaps just not a big white one with 10ft train.

But is it bad to just want that one day to be a queen. I am generally a service oriented person in the background - doing everything for everyone - both before kids/marriage and after. Because my wedding day was still about others, I think I missed having that one day it was just about me and my husband and I got to wear a beautiful and pointlessly expensive dress for once in my life.

I'm not sure that's me me me. I know I wouldn't be a bridezilla - for my wedding i paid for the bridesmaids accommodation and dresses, which were more expensive than my cheapo wedding dress, and shared a bed with one of the bridesmaids since one of them wasn't comfortable sharing a room with a stranger.

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 04/07/2025 14:48

Reading all this I think I am glad we never had any vows to renew! I would hate such a thing. We had our 20th anniversary recently and we went for a fish supper at the pub with our teenage son. DH got a text saying happy anniversary from his ex-father-in-law. That was it really. Fine by me.

PasDevantLes · 04/07/2025 14:49

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:39

But is it bad to just want that one day to be a queen. I am generally a service oriented person in the background - doing everything for everyone - both before kids/marriage and after. Because my wedding day was still about others, I think I missed having that one day it was just about me and my husband and I got to wear a beautiful and pointlessly expensive dress for once in my life.

I'm not sure that's me me me. I know I wouldn't be a bridezilla - for my wedding i paid for the bridesmaids accommodation and dresses, which were more expensive than my cheapo wedding dress, and shared a bed with one of the bridesmaids since one of them wasn't comfortable sharing a room with a stranger.

Edited
Show quote history

Well, you do you for a vow renewal, but surely it's more important to ask yourself why you conceive of yourself as a 'service-oriented background' person and why you don't centre yourself on a daily basis?

It's often out of this kind of people-pleasing 'Don't mind me, I'll just sit here in the dark' orientation that the 'Queen for a Day' Bridezilla emerges -- because she's formed the idea that only her wedding legitimates her feeling as though she's genuinely important.

I treat myself as though I'm important every day. I got married in jeans with two witnesses on my lunchbreak. Which is not to say that everyone should do this, obviously, only that, if you feel important on a daily basis, you don't have to squish all that desire for importance into some kind of 'Queen for a Day' fantasy.

Cabbageheads · 04/07/2025 14:50

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:39

But is it bad to just want that one day to be a queen. I am generally a service oriented person in the background - doing everything for everyone - both before kids/marriage and after. Because my wedding day was still about others, I think I missed having that one day it was just about me and my husband and I got to wear a beautiful and pointlessly expensive dress for once in my life.

I'm not sure that's me me me. I know I wouldn't be a bridezilla - for my wedding i paid for the bridesmaids accommodation and dresses, which were more expensive than my cheapo wedding dress, and shared a bed with one of the bridesmaids since one of them wasn't comfortable sharing a room with a stranger.

Edited
Show quote history

I've said upthread that I didn't get the wedding dress I wanted, either, and had a cheap one that I hated and felt so embarrassed by because it didn't fit properly. It's a huge regret, and probably always will be. I messed up. I told myself it wasn't important when it really, really was.

But the thing is, the day has gone. The moment has gone and I can never get it back. I'll never have an exquisite wedding dress. It's a hard thing to accept, but that's the reality. You're not alone in feeling like you were robbed of something special which other women weren't.

I think, honestly, that you're chasing smoke, and you could end up with just more disappointment if the renewal doesn't live up to expectations either.

Samas · 04/07/2025 15:02

Duh · 04/07/2025 14:24

I think wedding renewals are cheesy and attention seeking. Plus they are for marriages that have (purportedly but rarely actually) overcome one partner’s infidelity or drug addiction.

Or as one last celebration when one of the married people is terminally ill, which is what happened in the case of my SIL

Duh · 04/07/2025 15:04

Samas · 04/07/2025 15:02

Or as one last celebration when one of the married people is terminally ill, which is what happened in the case of my SIL

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That’s very sad, I’m sorry to hear that.

Wadadli · 04/07/2025 15:05

Gall10 · 04/07/2025 11:24

If you have to renew vows…someone must have broken them.
Personally I think it’s ridiculous….are you after more presents or ‘no boxed gifts’ to pay for your ‘second honeymoon’ (basically get the friends to pay for your next holiday).
What on earth is all these ‘events’ about? And don’t get me started on baby showers (more gifts please) probably they’ll start saying ‘no boxed gifts’ for these as well.
And school proms? WTF!
America has a lot to answer for… not just trump!

I couldn’t agree with this comment more 👏

godmum56 · 04/07/2025 15:36

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 14:29

Omg yes - that too - we still haven't had a honeymoon!!

Thanks for all the responses - really mixed opinions.

I'm thinking I will go for it but maybe do the vows or a blessing part beforehand, with a very small group of people (or on our own/ with the kids).

And then do the big party after. Also leaning towards just calling it an anniversary party rather than vow renewal. Only thing is I really want to wear white and if it's an anniversary a white full length gown will surely look silly? Also thinking that people might not go out of their way to attend a 10 year anniversary party seriously as it's not such a huge milestone. Whereas, people do make an effort to go to a wedding/vow renewal even if it's inconvenient.

Definitely not expecting or wanting gifts. Got enough clutter to manage as it is. 😅

Show quote history

Girl! this is your day, your shiny time. If you want to wear white then go for it. Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter. I think those who won't make an effort to attend are not the people you want there. I'd present it as a 'shoulda happened" party. I am guessing that most of the people you invite will have known you long enough to know about the illness that interfered with your wedding plans and will love to celebrate with you properly.

RitaAndFrank · 04/07/2025 15:39

I’m not sure what the AIBU is for but I voted YANBU if you want to have one because given the circumstances I’d just crack on and get on with it. Life is too short to care what others think anyway. Far better to have a genuine marriage than a sham one and so long and you and your dh are happy that’s all that matters.

my parents had one (religious) and it was lovely.