To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

If any of my friends husbands cheated or were not going well they would not see a vow renewal as any part of the healing process. I would never think that is the reason for how renewal. Just a nice ceremony added on to a milestone anniversary.

I expect most of your friends and family are aware you didnt love your wedding day anyway so will be happy for you to get another one.

I would wonder which one of you cheated.

It's the "big weddings are only for unhappy couples" school of non-thought.

The very fact that you want to do it because you're happy is proof that it isn't always a sign of the marriage being in trouble, although if everyone who is happy like you avoids doing it for that reason, it becomes something of a self-filfilling prophecy.

If you want to do it, do it. Anyone who wants to judge you for it doesn't need to come and I'd hope you wouldn't be inviting them anyway.

Have it if you want to, and then everyone who thinks it means your marriage is shit can spend the next 40 years going insane that you're happy.

Wows are supposed to be for life, so I always think someone must have broken them to need/want a renewal.

Just have a big anniversary party.

As my late husband said when someone suggested it "Why renew vows when the old ones still work" But I'd absolutely do the wedding reception you never had....and a honeymoon too!

Why not just have it as an anniversary party?

I'm afraid yes, if I read it was a vow renewal I would wonder who broke them. Otherwise what's the point? You're already married, no need to do it again.

I know 3 couples who had vow renewals. 2 were due to infidelity and the other was because the female partner loves any and every chance to throw a fantastic party and dress up.

Why is an anniversary party a wonderful expression of marital stability, but an anniversary party where they also repeat their vows a terrible sign of everything going to shit?

I would assume there had been a big life event. I’ve know three couples who’ve renewed their vows. One was after the husband had survived cancer and the other two were after one of the couple had cheated.

Because repeating the vows is a bit weird, isn't it. You already did that bit, signed the legal documents. It's a legal ceremony, not a show you want to see again and again.

An anniversary party is just that - a celebration that you've managed to get that far.

Yeah, I’d assume affair or similar.
Could you do a posh anniversary party where you and DH both do a speech?

Throw an anniversary party but fancy 😁

and yes if I got invited to a vow renewal I’d think someone had an affair…

We've been married for nearly 40 years and I thought we could renew our vows on our silver but DH insisted that vow renewals indicate that one person has cheated. I'm pleased he trusts me that much, no I haven't cheated.

I also had the dress that wasn't my dream but I now realise that the marriage is far more important than the wedding was. Mark your 10th in a special way, we went to St Lucia or have a huge party to celebrate.

I’d assume someone has cheated and this is a band-aid gesture.

(and being truly honest, I’d assume the man cheated and the wife is willing to overlook that for the price of a big party and, potentially, a new piece of jewellery).

You take vows for life, why renew unless they’ve been broken and you have to recommit to them?

We were in a similar position with our wedding - wasn’t pregnant, but it was very much for family and we got pushed into a big wedding, so I know how you feel. After I have had our third and final baby we want to do something special and more along the lines we wanted for our wedding. Not a renewal, but like a special party. We have been saving up for it pretty much since we got back off honeymoon, we don’t have loads but it will cover a great party!

I can’t lie, sometimes I do think that about a renewal, but that’s because all the people I know who renewed were either in remission from terminal illness, or about to get divorced. If you want to do it though I think you should! It doesn’t matter what other people think - and I wish I had been more assertive with not caring what others thought about my wedding.

Did anyone see the series "The Four Seasons"? The story line about the vow renewal was very tragi-comic.

I think i would do the party and nice dress how you want it, but keep the vow renewal separate and private.

I've been to an anniversary party where they did a fairly sweet/funny update to their original wedding vows which was nice (done more as toasts to each other), but just saying the same exact vows again doesn't feel like it needs an audience to me!

Friends of mine had a big party/BBQ for their 10 year anniversary. I thought it was lovely, don't think it crossed anyone's mind that their marriage had been in a bad place. They didn't do an actual renewal though.

I know two couples that did this for similar reasons to those you describe, after 10 and 15 years. Neither couple were (later) happy with how their renewals/parties went, due to different factors affecting the run up and the day/evening of the renewal than had affected their first times. What they’d envisaged wasn’t what happened.

weddings can be challenging!

I think trying to arrange a substitute wedding is likely to leave you disappointed again.

By all means have a lovely party and a fantastic dress, but don't think it will be what you hoped your wedding would be.

I'd assume there'd been issue or that one of you celebrates the opening of an envelope.

If it was 40,50+ years, I'd not think it was a marriage issue (don't know why).

But I don't really get marriage vow renewals - they don't expire unless you divorce.

And I'm not at all romantic so this passes me totally.

We didn't even have vows at our actual wedding! This kind of thing would be very cringe for us!

I can understand your feelings,- but I think you’ll be trying to recreate that original wedding vibe, and it might feel flat, because it just won’t have that same feeling to other people that a wedding does. I would just accept what happened then was then, and arrange a big party- don’t try and recreate the past. Renewing vows does seem odd to me (sorry, just my opinion), it suggests the original ones weren’t that strong if they need renewing.

I don’t think I know anyone who has renewed their vows in this way, although I have attended / know people who have held celebrations such as a big lunch or evening party for Silver, Ruby, Gold and Diamond wedding anniversaries, sometimes preceded by a Church blessing.

Our local Priest used to hold an annual celebration of marriage service which I think may have included a vow renewal.

Yeah, vows don't expire, so I would think if someone was renewing them then one party has cheated. Either that or one of them is 'me, me, look at me' (typically the woman as she's the one all done up with fancy hair/make up/dress) and wants to be centre of attention again.

If you want a big party then have a 10th anniversary do. You can still wear a nice dress, but perhaps just not a big white one with 10ft train.