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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

193 replies

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/07/2025 11:15

...it's my 10 year wedding anniversary next year and I've always wanted to do a vow renewal/ second wedding because my first was rushed (planned in 4 weeks), I had morning sickness and couldn't drink, it was more about pleasing family than a day for me and my husband, my dress was awful and a last minute online order which I didn't have time to get fitted, and it was just not how I'd have wanted it to be.

Since then, I have wanted a vow renewal at the 10 year mark to basically have the fun party wedding I'd have wanted, that I actually get to enjoy this time. It would likely just be a late afternoon/evening do, with great food and music, where I get to wear a beautiful dress, and my husband and I write personal vows for each other.

But I keep thinking that everyone will think our marriage is in trouble or someone has cheated. Would you think the same if you were invited to a big vow renewal?

OP posts:
reelcat · 04/07/2025 11:37

I always think one of them has had an affair. I wouldn't think twice about a big anniversary party though

reelcat · 04/07/2025 11:38

Just to add, don't let others put you off if it is always something you have wanted!

SunShow · 04/07/2025 11:38

Having to listen to personal vows makes me cringe at the best of times and yes, I assume when vows have to be redone it's because someone broke them.

Have a 10 year anniversary party.

Muffsies · 04/07/2025 11:40

It's a great idea. If you're inviting good friends and family, people who know you both, no one will be thinking that.

As this isn't a full wedding, you'll have a lot more freedoms over how you want the day. You don't have to observe all the old fashioned traditions, so there won't be pressures from others to be involved in the preparations and having to indulge certain people. Alternatively, people won't feel obliged to be involved, to buy wedding presents, make speeches, picking and outfitting bridesmaids, arrange stag/hen do's. It'll be a party everyone enjoys with no stress, sounds great!

With all that good feeling going around who on earth would think there's an issue?

Bitchesbelike · 04/07/2025 11:40

Nah, my brother and his wife had a massive party for their 10th anniversary: their first wedding was a quick registry office job with a meal and cinema after.

theyve been married 30 years now

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/07/2025 11:41

Go for it. I knew someone who got married at 17 as they were pregnant and they had a wonderful vow renewal on their 10th anniversary.

PasDevantLes · 04/07/2025 11:42

Girasoli · 04/07/2025 11:30

@PasDevantLes they do a similar thing in Italy, people might have a special blessing around significant wedding anniversaries.I remember going to my aunt and uncles.

Yes, exactly. It cracks me up that on here, there seems to be a significant minority of posters who see it as code for 'attempt to paper over a past affair', when to me it's associated with retirees having the kind of anniversary shindig where the parish priest sits at the top table, there's a big singsong and (judging by PIL's 60th wedding anniversary do a few years back), someone on a Zimmer frame leading a conga.

I saluted them, as they all outlasted me!

PhilippaGeorgiou · 04/07/2025 11:44

SamDeanCas · 04/07/2025 11:21

I’ve never thought that a marriage was in the rocks if you had a renewal, never heard that until I joined mn.

my friend had one for her 10th anniversary and it was lovely. I think in your circumstances, I can completely understand why you’d want to. So go for it

I agree with this. I wouldn't think someone's marriage is on the rocks - quite the reverse. And I don't think that why you want it is anyone elses business. Anyone who isn't "up for it" or thinks the worst of you / your marriage isn't a friend and not worth head space. If it were my friend I would be delighted for them.

NoWomanNoBuy · 04/07/2025 11:44

Different cultures have different norms and something can be quite normal in one country and still seem a bit odd in another country. In England it does have a certain connotation in many circles. That still doesn't mean it's always the case.

elliejjtiny · 04/07/2025 11:45

Most of the vow renewals i was aware of is for reasons similar to yours. I know a lady who had lost 10 stone since her wedding and wanted some nice photos of her in a wedding dress, someone who had a cheap shotgun wedding and wanted to do it again but a more expensive version. Only one couple did it because they split up for a few months and then got back together. So i wouldn't assume it was because your marriage was on the rocks. I would think you weren't happy with your original wedding day.

Garbera · 04/07/2025 11:45

I think some people will think that. I don't think I've ever heard of a renewal of vows without someone casting that aspersion. TBF they are not that common so I'm not going off a lot of data.

I would suggest you do a vow renewal privately, with a registrar, and throw an anniversary party.

CottageGoblin · 04/07/2025 11:45

I don’t think it’s a big deal OP.
Have one if you want to have one.

We never know which dance will be our last, and a party sounds great.

people will judge no matter what you do. But the party isn’t for them. It’s for you.

elliejjtiny · 04/07/2025 11:46

Or i would think maybe you just really liked your original wedding and wanted to do it again

JifNtGif · 04/07/2025 11:47

Vibes

To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads
Muffsies · 04/07/2025 11:47

SunShow · 04/07/2025 11:38

Having to listen to personal vows makes me cringe at the best of times and yes, I assume when vows have to be redone it's because someone broke them.

Have a 10 year anniversary party.

You sound delightful 🤣

upandleftthenright · 04/07/2025 11:48

Mikart · 04/07/2025 11:27

Just have an anniversary party

Yes, much better. A renewal screams someone had an affair and this is the patch up

Moana987 · 04/07/2025 11:49

I wouldn't think someone cheated. Just that you either wanted another do or were happy.

I think we will do a vow renewal one day because my husband loved our wedding day so much!

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 11:49

Garbera · 04/07/2025 11:45

I think some people will think that. I don't think I've ever heard of a renewal of vows without someone casting that aspersion. TBF they are not that common so I'm not going off a lot of data.

I would suggest you do a vow renewal privately, with a registrar, and throw an anniversary party.

Do registrars conduct renewing vow ceremonies? I thought it was just the original legal document they do.

Moana987 · 04/07/2025 11:50

upandleftthenright · 04/07/2025 11:48

Yes, much better. A renewal screams someone had an affair and this is the patch up

Show quote history

No it doesn't.

and you cant wear a wedding dress to a anniversary party, which is part of the reason OP wants to do a vow renewal.

CherryYellowCouch · 04/07/2025 11:51

I wouldn’t think someone had had an affair but I would raise my eyebrows at “vow renewal” as vows are forever.

But there’s absolutely no reason you can’t have a lovely anniversary party with a fabulous dress and nice speeches though.

LadyRoughDiamond · 04/07/2025 11:51

I’ve always assumed that if people are renewing their vows it suggests that they’re making up for something - usually an affair.

FlamingoFloss · 04/07/2025 11:53

I’d say go for it if that’s what you want to do!!

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 11:54

If you want to, then do.

I admit I do think of a renewal as something you if something big has happened in the marriage, and you need to make the vows fresh. Otherwise why bother?

StartingAgainFGS · 04/07/2025 11:54

Embarrassingly I thought about it for our 20th wedding anniversary as we'd been through some rough times and i thought it would be a nice way to celebrate and also sort of signify looking forward to a better future
Thank god I didn't as he then cheated and left me...I can laugh now!
But only on mn have I heard it signify trouble!

honeylulu · 04/07/2025 12:05

I had no idea people thought "affair" about vow renewals until I joined MN!

I admit we did have a wedding blessing at our youngest christening. There were reasons for that including that it was the church we attended and was part of our life and community (but the old vicar was very old school and had refused to marry us as my husband had been married before). The new vicar suggested a vow renewal but we decided on just the blessing element we didn't feel our vows had ever been "undone" if that makes sense. And it was also a celebration of our family being complete - many years of secondary infertility and loss before youngest finally arrived!

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