Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

From a safeguarding situation, there is a risk, but I had babysitters' boyfriends come over when I was young and I suspect that risk is tiny, especially if you think she is a really good nanny she is much less likely to be with someone awful and bring him where there are kids - and your kids are old enough to share any concerns. I expect she will be more inclined to work extra evenings if they can sit on the sofa together once the kids are in bed.

It’s not a male thing. I wouldn’t want a male or female babysitter to bring a female partner either. You’ve not met this person. Chances are they are fine but why take the risk. If you’re paying someone to babysit they are essentially working. It’s not a Netflix and chill evening!

Plus to be perfectly frank I’d be worried that they wouldn’t be so attentive to the kids and once the kids are in bed they’d be drinking and having sex on the sofa. Neither of which are fine with me! If she kept pushing it I’d prefer to use a (vetted) agency TBH.

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't find it acceptable. She's getting paid to do a job. I can't bring my husband to mine much as I would like that!

It’s be a no from me, she’s working and it’s not acceptable.

I think it’s different when you are sitting on the sofa doing nothing for four hours. The twins have not woken up at night since they’ve been about 3yrs old.

There's a reason you DH is anxious about a strange man you don't know being around your kids without you there.

The "hivemind" on men is there for a reason. Even men are wary of other men, and it's for a reason (like your DH) - and they know better than we do about other men.

Not all men, I'm sure he's fine blah blah, but how can you know.

Why does he even want to accompany on a babysitting job anyway... Weird. Back in the day, teens would do it because the guys were hoping to screw on the sofa, and it was one of the only chances they'd get. Is that what he wants to do? Doubt it.. So why? It's not a good night out.

I find this scenario fairly extreme. I’m not sure anyone would comfortably do anything in life if ‘risk’ was viewed in this way.

Hard no, and I’d think less of her for asking tbh.

You're kids you're rules. But from a safeguarding point of view I don't take risks with my children.

If he had any basic common sense he wouldn't even let it be an option, he would tell his girlfriend it's completely inappropriate for him to go into a strangers house just to facilitate his love life.

I'd wonder about the critical thinking skills of the nanny, too.
The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

Your *

If you are paying her to babysit your children she should be 100% focused on your children. How can she do that when she is distracted by whatever her and her boyfriend are doing to entertain themselves?
She obviously doesn't take the responsibility of looking after your children seriously.

I would really worry about my children's welfare and safety If you allow her to bring her boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter , into your home whilst neither you nor your H are there.

I would be fine with him coming round after kids asleep at 8.30. Seems like a good compromise. I would be ok because it is a nanny who works with us for her main job so less likely to take advantage of the situation and more importantly if nanny is trustworthy which presume she is.

Would not be comfortable if more casual arrangement like friends/neighbours older kid bringing their boyfriend round if they were babysitting.

I assume they'd just be at home watching TV or whatever? I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I know why the hive mind in there - I am an adult woman who exist in the world.

It’s not uncommon at all for babysitters who you know causally and not through employment to want to bring evening company when you’re sitting on the sofa alone for 4hrs. I don’t think it’s strange.

They do not live together and he is staying with her for a few weeks as he works away. They are not teenagers, they are both mid-20. I babysat a lot in my mid-20s and my boyfriend would accompany me (difference is the parents had met him). We absolutely never ever got handsy on the sofa. We never even kissed. It was to watch a film during the 4+ hrs I was there.

Its not a good night out, but then she is not having a great Saturday night and maybe he feels better keeping her company rather than going out without her.

I'd wonder what the risk is if the OP says no, that the nanny would rather spend Saturday nights with her boyfriend and going out. And whether they would find it easy to find another babysitter they like and trust to pick up the work instead.

I think they should say he is welcome to come round after the kids have gone to bed and not before.

I think it would be ok to say he could come but that you'd like to meet him beforehand

If the twins have already effectively been on holiday with this chap, I don't see the problem at all.

They haven’t been on holiday with him. They met him once during a day out, for about 15 minutes.

I don’t think you really have this mindset in your 20s when you don’t have children. My DH definitely didn’t, as he would accompany me in babysitting during our dating days, but he obviously has a different mindset now.

Ah, sorry, I misread your OP. I thought it was the children that stayed with him for a few days.

I agree with you - it might be a good opportunity to meet him. She's sounds great, and you trust her, so why not? It'll make her evening nicer.

I tend to be a bit more laid back with these things, but I’m not sure these are good enough reasons to say yes.

I think it’s more about the art of weighing the risk with anything in life.

The childcare professional should have that mindset and have such basic safeguarding as her priority.

I think if you trust her to keep DC safe, you trust her to keep them safe. They could come across "weirdos" wherever she takes them.