Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

If he's staying with her anyway all that's happening is he's going to sit on the settee with her watching TV rather than her sit at yours on her own and him sit at hers on his own. They don't sound like a couple who are going to have wild rampant sex and ignore your children if they do happen to wake.

What if you met him and actually hated him.
What if yoy met him and he was charming but masking his true self.
Is he dbs checked like your nanny would be, is he insured. What if he broke something in your home, for example tripped and smashed the tv or an expensive glass. What if something went missing?
What if you were burgled, would you suspect him or his friends? What if he for example accidently brushed past yoyr child on the stair and knocked them over, and the child was injured, what would you do.
Too many what if's.
You have a contract with the nanny but not with him.

The meeting and hating him is, I think, the most likely risk there. I think the others are quite overblown. But then there’s people like me and people like my DH, so it’s always an individual attitude of course.

Blimey, that's a list of reasons never to invite anyone into your home.

If she's in charge and you trust her, having a boyfriend round shouldn't be an issue .

It's not overblown. Have a look at the statistics on how many children are sexually abused in the UK.
1 in 20. I was one of them.

I can't think of one way how it benefits your kids to allow this stranger access to them, the nannys dating life is her own concern, outside of employment.

Nope.

No.

It doesn't matter that she may be sitting on the sofa for 5 hours, bored, watching TV - that is what she is being paid for. As the children are asleep and don't ' need ' her.
She is not being paid to have friends round - male or female to keep her company.

Nannies know that evening babysitting is often part of the job, especially if they are live in Nannies.

Babysitting is not an opportunity for a nannies social life, it is work.

If it were a female friend that is also a Nanny, and I knew her and the family she works for, then I would be fine with that, tho it goes without saying - no alcohol to be consumed.

Presumably you would vet and do DBS checks etc. on your nanny so why would you just say yes to a stranger to keep her company while she is working and do no checks on them? I would be very cautious here. Maybe meet him but predators can be charming too!

Sorry, I think it’s overblown and far too broad a statistic. The more helpful statistic would be how many children are abused by babysitter’s boyfriends visiting the home.

I don’t think it does benefit them. But if it’s neutral, then risks need weighing up - and sensibly.

If you trust her to look after your children you should trust her judgement on who she is in a relationship with.

I was sexually assaulted at the age of 6 by a family friend - I would not leave a random bloke with my kids.

Because children, especially older children, casually encounter many different people in life with no DBS check. The difference with DBS on a nanny is that they have sole charge for multiple hours a week across years.

Yes but do those people stay at your house when the DC are in bed and vulnerable?

Tbh if you trust your nanny and she has good judgement, I think you're not bonkers to consider this. Babysitting outside of her contracted hours is slightly different and I used to babysit a lot and my boy friend would sometimes join me.

There are all sorts of risks leaving anyone to look after your child and you have to weigh them up reasonably. I do not think there's anything wrong with considering this request from someone you have a good working relationship with who shows good judgement. She could have said no to babysitting on this occasion due to her biu friend visiting.

I don't see a problem with it, they have already been and stayed with him. If you trust her, which you obviously do, and like you said they are mid 20s so not daft 17/18yr olds.

Yes unusual to take partner to work but a nanny is meant to be part of your family

if you trust her and assume you do then don’t see the harm in bf coming once kids in bed asleep

you can meet bf once back

is it a regular Saturday bs. If you say no she may decide not to bs and see bf so you need to find a new bs

I get your dh wanting to meet bf. So if he came once kids in bed and then stays to meet you both that makes sense

I don't think I'm risk-averse or over protective, but it would be a 'no' from me.

She's being paid to do a job, whether the children are awake or not isn't relevant in my view. I don't see any reason why you as her employer need to facilitate her social/romantic life, she can see her boyfriend outside of her working hours like everyone else.

Nannying is one of those jobs where the boundary between employee, friend and family can easily become blurred gradually over time. I've seen this lead to problems for quite a few families over the years. Allowing her to invite friends or boyfriends round to your home blurs the boundaries of the professional relationship in a way that I personally wouldn't be comfortable with.

Unless he's DBS checked , he absolutely shouldn't be joining your nanny while she babysits. He might be a saint but the average young man wouldn't be interested in spending time with someone else's young children unless it was their job, they were close family members or they were close friends of the child's parents.

If I'd gone to the trouble of hiring a professional nanny to look after my kids, interviewed her, dbs checked her, was prepared to pay a professional to look after them etc all done to make sure my precious kids were safe being left alone with the nanny, it seems a bit stupid to then let a person you don't know be in your house when you aren't there and your kids are in a vulnerable position (in bed asleep). She couldn't take her boyfriend along to any other job so why should she bring him to this one. It would be a no from me!

I work with children in a safeguarding role. I've come across many, many intelligent, educated, kind and sensible women who have found themselves in a relationship with a man who turned out to be very bad news.

She’s being paid to do a job and not cosy up to her bf. Tell her that her bf isn’t welcome in your house which is her workplace.

It would be a no from me. You know its a risk, your husband knows its a risk. Its a small risk but why introduce a risk at all? You don't know him for shit and you don't even know if he's DBS checked.

Different scenario if it was your neice doing you a favour and not getting paid much so is treating it semi casually, but this is a professional who I'm assuming is getting paid a decent hourly wage? She needs to get a book if she gets bored on the job, and if she does get bored she's being compensated for it.

I'm annoyed you've been put into this situation, if she was working at a primary school doing an overnight trip, she wouldn't ask the head teacher if her boyfriend could tag along. They would rightly say no for safeguarding.

No.

She's at work - would it be ok for her to bring her boyfriend into a school where she worked? No.

She's on duty. Her duty is to safeguard and watch over your children. A boyfriend can only be a distraction. You know exactly what they will be doing. And maybe if a child comes downstairs, what they'll see.

He's a complete stranger. You know nothing about him, your children don't know him. It is an inescapable fact that most assaults on children are committed by members of the male sex. Better safe than sorry.

You don't know their relationship. Women have been used by men to get into situations they can exploit. The urge to please a man (or the fear of what might happen if they say no) can lead women to facilitate awful things.

This is your house. You say who comes in.

Tell her no, while you're babysitting you're at work and on duty safeguarding my children. We need your full attention.

Then in the face of wheedling - as I say, the answer is no.

If there is any suspicion she'll bring him in anyway when you're not there and the children are in bed - you have to ask why he is so keen to get in and question whether she should be in charge of your children.

You let your twins away with your nanny to stay with her on an holiday and her boyfriend for a few days ? 😳