Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

I don’t class someone my well-known and trusted nanny has been in a relationship with for several years as a ‘strange man’. I also don’t regard investigating the issue ‘blasé’ – I have responded on here to posters who I don’t think are pointing out good reasons.

I don’t require safeguarding training, but thank you for the suggestion.

I didn’t know he was there, but it’s immaterial as he was working at the time and said hello for 15 minutes on his break while they were playing outside. There were a lot of guests there as it’s a farm with holiday accommodation.

I can't see where the 'poor babysitter, sitting on her own all evening' angle comes from. It doesn't apply to other jobs. Would a bloke working nights as a security guard be allowed to have his girlfriend sit with him to keep him company if he wanted?

Anxious alone at night? She's an adult. You do realise some women live alone?

Absolutely no chance in hell I would allow this. Even when you have met him a few times , still no.

It sounds like you are ok with it, and ultimately it’s your house, your kids and your choice.

I don’t understand why you have asked for the opinions of others if you are going to be defensive when other’s opinions differ.

OK, i'm out good luck OP

He IS a stranger to you, DH and your DC. You’re assuming that because your nanny is nice and capable in her job that she can make good judgments about her romantic relationship and safeguarding the DC. That’s naive.

The likelihood of problems with him affecting your DC may be low, but if it happened the impact would be high, and it’s an easily avoidable risk. If she’d rather see her boyfriend than accept the extra work she can turn it down.

Your DH is right.

I didn't say he wasn't a stranger to us, I said I wouldn't regard him as a 'strange man' – there is a difference. She's well aware she can turn the work down, so that isn't the issue.

Wouldn't bother me at all. I used to take my then boyfriend when I was babysitting and no parents had an issue - the kiddies were all upstairs sleeping

‘Strange man’ = stranger = stranger to you, DH and DC.

Tomaytoes/tomahtoes

You’re not wrong to say no, but she might decline babysitting in her free time in future, as she’d probably rather spend it with him.

No, she's working. You're paying her to look after your kids, not spend time with her boyfriend.

Babysitting as a nanny isn’t part of their job, it’s an ‘extra’. And while yes, it could be seen as a job that they choose to accept, the nanny/employer dynamic is different to most jobs. She may feel like she has to accept the babysitting, even though she doesn’t. Especially if she’s a younger woman who isn’t as assertive.

The “risk” is your Nannies bf making out he’s going to the toilet when he’s sitting in your house with your nanny and sexually assaulting or raping one or both of your children!!!! Why are you being so lax with their safety? Who cares if it’s 1 in a million ?!?! If that 1 person is your child you will never forgive yourself and they won’t forgive you either and neither will they get over it

If you can't see that then I despair.

I had my boyfriend over when I was a babysitter. He’d come by once the children were settled in bed and keep me company. We didn’t get up to any funny business and he didn’t have anything to do with the children (I was the one getting paid)
I think if you’re keen to have her available of an evening it’s a fair compromise.

No absolutely not. I’d be seriously re-considering my choice of nanny that it was even suggested, or that she’s met up with him while it sole charge previously.

I think if you trust her and her judgement, I'd probably say it's fine for him to come over once the kids are in bed asleep. Of course there is a minimal risk to having anyone you don't know around your children but the risk here is tiny and we can't realistically eliminate all risk or we'd never send our children to school or put them in a car!

Maybe it’s good to be weary, but when I was a kid we loved it when my nanny’s boyfriend came round! We thought he was so cool lol. She felt part of the family really so wasn’t a big deal - I don’t think he ever stayed for long periods.

Anyway maybe saying after they’re asleep is better or banning, but feels a bit depressing sometimes always seeing the risks

As a teenage babysitter, my boyfriend would sometimes join me. The children's mother was aware and we didn't get up to anything grim on her sofa. It was just an evening spent together watching TV, which is a normal couple activity.

I have no idea why you've bothered asking. You started off by suggesting that respondents on here are largely sheep, incapable of independent thought and you've gone on to argue with pretty much every response, accusing people of over-reacting and being dramatic when their contribution doesn't align with your own thoughts.

So your dh is happy or happier for bf to come once kids are asleep

you did this with your bf hence why you are ok with it @Didimum

i think it would be good to meet bf and go from there

how often does nanny bs and how often are you saying bf will join her ?

They have already stayed overnight with him according to your post.