Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

There is a benefit to DC in treating nanny/baby sitter with kindness and respect.

It doesn't matter if nanny has misjudged BF, as she's going to be supervising.

I don’t see the difference of them going to spend the whole day with him and him coming around while she’s babysitting?
Did she ask you before whether she could introduce them to her boyfriend on a day out ?

This wouldn’t bother me at all.

This blows my mind, why would you? What benefit is there to you and your kids in facilitating her love life while she's at work? All risk with no benefit should be an easy answer and she's a red flag for asking.

There is a significant benefit to OP. They get a known and trusted babysitter, on Saturday night, outside of Nanny's normal working hours.

this absolutely. She is at work and being paid to work. You don't bring a friend or a partner to work. Yes she may just be sitting on the settee and the work is probably not onerous, but its the responsibilty aspect that makes it work and not leisure.

She is at work and being paid for working unsociable hours. It's still a job. Her current boyfriend is an "unknown and untrusted" stranger and nothing to do with OP or her kids. He shouldn't be in their house or be having any interaction with OPs kids.

It would be no from me.

You're paying her to do a job, whether they are awake, or whether they are asleep and she’s watching TV. She’s working, and you don’t take your boyfriend to work.

Is it really such a difficulty for her to sit alone for a few hours? Unless the boyfriend is also an experienced babysitter there is no reason for him to come to your house when you are not there.

Yes, but she'd be perfectly within her rights to say Saturday night with her BF is more important to her, and where does that leave OP?

As with any staff, you need to treat them well and think about their needs, if you value them and want to keep them.

I would say after they have gone to bed is a good compromise. If you say no then she is within her rights to say no to additional work at the weekend. Then OP is left without a trusted person to rely on.

I thought people on here say the biggest risk is a related male?

I think you should arrange to meet him first but then I don’t see the problem with him joining her for a few hours in the evening.

You really only need a sitter to ensure that you don’t have a fire or a burglary when you’re out, as the kids will be asleep in bed.

The difference is that they are with a DBS checked and well known individual.

She is definitely within her rights to say she prefers time with her boyfriend to working, OP would then hire someone else. Access to a boyfriend during work isn't a working perk of any job I know.

All employees deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. That doesn't mean you can never decline a request that doesn't feel comfortable for you, especially when the workplace is your own home. OP's DH isn't comfortable with a stranger being in his home while he's out and the children are asleep upstairs. As the children's father does he not deserve respect and consideration?

Exactly and then OP has to find someone else she's comfortable with. So for me, known nanny plus BF would be the better option.

No. They went on a day trip to a farm were SHE was staying for a few days.

DBS checks just confirm you don't have unspent convictions and aren't barred form working with children. They don't check your associates or "boyfriends" and passing one doesn't mean you're a good person or have good judgement.

I worry about you, why do want to help strange man enter your house while your 7 year old kids are asleep? Also is it just this strange man or any future strange men your unrelated nanny might decide to go out with?

So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company?

For godsake, why does she need to be 'kept company'.... she's at work?! What other job would you ask your employer if your partner could come and sit with you to keep you company? Utterly unprofessional.

No, I would not let an unvetted man (or even a vetted man - sorry) in a house with my 7 year old girls.

She's working. No. End of. First time, I'd just close the discussion and keep an eye on her. I'd be concerned of her commitment and safeguarding approach if she asks more than once.

Exactly, she can call him or a friend to chat while she's bored on the sofa. Scroll through tiktok, play a game on a switch/console idk what she has lol. There's many things she can do that do not involve bringing a random man into the home

She’s at work for god’s sake. Do you take your husband to work with you? I would find it completely unacceptable and worrying that she would even ask this to be honest-it shows a clear lack of safeguarding and boundaries from her side.

I don't think babysitting on a Saturday night, in addition to. FT nanny job, is "working" in the same way.

She's still doing OP a favour and giving up her Saturday night, even if she is being paid. If nanny decides she'd rather not, that leaves OP having to use a 'stranger'.

OP trusts nanny to have her DC FT and protect them from all the people they come into contact with during that time, so why wouldn't she trust nanny to protect them here. If Op thinks nanny would give unsupervised access to her children to anyone, she needs a different nanny, but I'm sure that's not the case.

Hard no from me (coincidentally, I also have 7 year old twins!), whether it be a boyfriend or mate.

But you were happy for her to take them to the place where she was staying with him and you hadn’t met him at that point. So what’s different now? You trust her with your children and you know she would keep them safe.