Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

🤣

Why can’t she read a book or watch tv? How is her boredom your problem? This is just weird to me—you are paying her she isn’t doing you a favour.

No I wouldn’t. The whole point of getting a nanny that’s dbs checked is to avoid your children coming to any harm and minimising any safeguarding issues arising. This completely contradicts that. How many women find out their husband was living a whole double life and they had no idea who he truly was? Never mind a boyfriend.

Why is she sitting on the sofa doing nothing? While my baby sleeps my nanny folds our laundry, irons and cleans the house. Seriously. You are being taken for a mug.

OP, for goodness sake! Say no and I would rethink the entire arrangement with this girl (she’s a girl not a professional woman)

I've worked for 30 years in criminal justice including with serious offenders against children. I'm sorry to give this advice because the chances are your nanny's bf is fine, and most men are not sexual predators.
But I can tell you that people on the look out for children to groom and abuse will frequently target single mums and nannies posing as BFs because they can use specific tactics to gain trusted access to those kids.

My professional background might make me less easy going because I can't unknow what I know. But I wouldn't agree to a strange man having access to my DC when their parents are out. If it looks like a long term relationship she might like to suggest to her BF that he apply for a DBS check. That in itself doesn't prove anything, but it shows willing and a would-be abuser would be very turned off by that level of scrutiny and alertness from both nanny and employer.

I would have her work for you on a professional basis, during the day, as the lines are less blurry. And then use a separate evening babysitter.
I don’t think you’ve done yourself any favours by dilly-dallying around on this. Either don’t have him round or meet him and use your own judgement.
Personally, I wouldn’t have an issue with it if I got to know him and the children were in bed.

During the day though, yes?
If you expect your nanny to do this in the evenings while she’s babysitting, that is completely taking the piss.

Why? She gets paid double the rate of day time nannying. The house is quiet. And I've actually never even had to specify it, she just looks around and finds things that need doing. I know I have an excellent nanny for many other reasons, trust me, and we treat her better than family, but I would be surprised for a nanny (not an ocasional babysitter, that's very different) to sit on her arse for four hours watching TV.

I don’t think your nanny should be making you feel bad if you don’t allow him over - yes it’s out of her usual hours but you are asking her to carry out a job which involves safeguarding your DC.
If anyone is asked to work over time do they ask if their partners can join them because it’s outside of their usual hours? I know she may well be sitting on her own watching tv for several hours but that’s what she’s paid to do. If it’s bcos she doesn’t see her BF often & is doing you a favour by facilitating working outside of her usual hours & if accommodating you, means she misses out on seeing her BF & so trying to do both, I do understand. But then as her employer I don’t think you should be putting her in that position. Either you look for a child minder for those hours or she attends solo. Just my thoughts. Alternatively I would want to meet BF but opening & welcoming him into your nanny’s working role isn’t the way I’d want to go personally as he’ll become a more permanent fixture. Presumably he’s isn’t DBS checked or a professional when it comes to looking after children?

@DesperateFTM567

There are not many Nannies that clean houses, esp in the evening.

Au Pairs and Mother's Helps, and Housekeepers - maybe but again not usually in the evening when the children are asleep.

All of the above would normally have different duties in their contracts and different rates of pay.

Wtf

wow. Your poor nanny - you are treating her like a skivvy !!

Au pairs, cleaners and mothers helpers get much worse wages than a nanny, at least around here. The point of the nanny title is that they have a lot more responsibility and get better wages. There really isn't much "nannying" per se at the age of 7. You take them to school, activities, make snacks, help with homework AND general tidying and cleaning. They're at school for most of the day!! Hard and respectable job but nothing that would justify sitting for 4 hours. Again, I have never had this problem. My nanny just does stuff. Never a problem that had even entered my mind, personally. She is NOT a babysitter. And we pay her about 30% more than anyone else I know in the area anyway. You get what you pay for maybe.

And my nanny's husband HAS met my child. But I was present! And he came round specifically to meet him and give him a toy because he obviously hears all about him all day every day.

I would certainly review her employment if she suddenly suggested bringing her husband in the house at night without me there.

If you really trusts her I would let her assuming she says she is with him at all times and he doesn't go into children's rooms.
Otherwise she's less likely to agree to babysit and she wants to see her boyfriend not just be with your kids all day and your kids would be more at risk from a random babysitter than their usual nanny

So if you asked someone to work overtime and paid them for it, you expect them to just sit there because it's an inconvenient time? I don't think so.

Part of any nanny's job description is to do some general tyding and cleaning while the children are at school /nursery/sleeping.

Why does the time of day make a difference?

If the nanny doesn't like coming in the evening, she really doesn't have to. That's extra and paid more than the day rate, always.

I would say this particular nanny is probably young and inexperienced to even suggest bringing her boyfriend round. Or maybe not even paid properly, which would be OP's fault.

I disagree she doesn't take it seriously. She's just sitting there on the sofa from her perspective her boyfriend could watch the movie she's watching with her. She's allowed to ask.

It's fine to set boundaries and say no to her, but you need to be prepared for the consequence that she might not agree to babysit. If you have a long list of people who are usually available, safe, affordable, well known to kids etc then that's not a problem.

Is she a nanny by profession i.e. background checks etc? Or a local girl you trust and feel comfy with?

Because tbh id find it uncomfortable if an employ brought a date to my house while she was working. Especially as he has had no checks done. But if this is less formal than that, and you've not had checks on her I might feel more inclined to make a judgement call on how I perceived him

Also, say if you have your plan of only having him come after the kids are in bed, your daughter wakes and either bumps into him going to the loo or worse. You’ve said she’s already anxious, I imagine she’d be horrified! And if you told her that babysitter’s male friend was popping in whilst she was asleep surely that would make it worse!

My instinct would be ‘no’. But into the equation would be whether the babysitting she does is dealt with separately from the general nanny contract you have with her. Does she babysit fo you every week, and is that part of the all-in deal? If that is the case my answer would emphatically be no, and not at all hard to justify.

If, however, she does it on an ‘as and when’ basis and pay is completely separate from the work she does with you during the week, then it might be tougher for me to say ‘no’. But I still wouldn’t like it. Not if it’s at your house.

How do you know they will just be sitting on the sofa watching a movie? OP has no idea what they will be doing.

She is being paid to take care of OP's children. She's not being paid to conduct her social life in OP's home.

And who is this boyfriend? He could be anyone, get up to all sorts in OP's home.

And is OP supposed to allow her to bring whoever she likes/ do whatever she likes just in case the young woman decides she doesn't want to baby sit?
Personally my childrens safety and welfare come first and if I'm left without a babysitter so be it . Preferable to compromising my children's wellbeing.

I never get this - if you are paying her to babysit why would she bring someone?
I am another one who was sexually assaulted as a child - it doesn't matter if statistically the chance is small - it does happen.

You husband said he is not comfortable with the idea but seems to be willing to be convinced by you.

You ask for feedback, but when others say they would not be comfortable with the idea you are often critical of their views.

You are clearly comfortable with the idea or you would have just said no. So I am also wondering why you have posted this thread - were you hoping that the overwhelming feedback was people saying they think your husband is being too cautious?

Nannies are not cleaners

I didn’t go to college for 2yrs and then do varies courses and training to clean someone’s kitchen /toilet/floor and fold their washing

saying all that. Cleaners do an amazing job and it’s hard work scrubbing /hovering 8/10hrs a day every day

So what do you do between the hours of 8am and 3pm when they are at school? Every nanny I know does laundry and cleaning. Not top to bottom like a cleaner, but whatever she can do when kids sleep/are at school, starting with the kids food and kids stuff/rooms.

The jobs I had I could do what I liked as long as phone with me incase school rang if they fell over etx

yes nursery duties but again cleaners always cleaned the kids bedrooms etx

so I did kids washing - did weekly food shop