Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

[Didimum]

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

Absolutely this

I consider myself reasonably laid back, but I wouldn't be comfortable with this. Not because I think he's a potential child abuser, but because a) I've never met him b) I'm paying the sitter to do a job, and c) it blurs the lines, and she might start asking for him to join her during her contracted nanny time too (or just invite him to without telling you 'because you were okay with him coming over when she was babysitting')

It clearly sits well with you so I’m not sure why you’re asking opinions tbh.

Absolutely not! But you seem very relaxed concerning allowing unknown males around your kids?! At least your husband has sense. I actually don’t think that having this man in your home is worse than letting your nanny take your kids to a different location to meet a man that you’d never met?! That is more shocking to me. Particularly as it is a place where they were staying and had a bedroom. I’m sure this man is absolutely fine and normal but you cannot know that for certain and should not be allowing him to be around your kids

I agree. I don't think it's such big dram but I'd want to meet him first. I'd also want to ensure she snot going to be distcted because he's there

Hard no from me, as a parent and former frequent babysitter! Unprofessional of your nanny to ask.

No wouldn’t be comfortable with this and think it’s unprofessional of her to ask. They aren’t teenagers having snatched moments together, she can see him every other night of the week.

It sounds like you would benefit from some safeguarding training OP. You seem to have a very blasé attitude to having strange men unsupervised in your home in your absence.

I agree that's it about weighing risk in life BUT there is no way I would want to expose my children to risk like this when it is not necessary.

Absolutely not. Not because he’s a man and could be a pedo, but because it is completely unprofessional.

You trust her to put your DC first.
She's probably anxious alone at night.
I understand that you are concerned, I would allow it personally as the children met him before too.
Ask the girls for their thoughts.

I have said yes to this in one particular circumstance with a Nanny we had full time for over 3 years when the children were very small who has now become a family friend. We go to each other’s big birthdays, my children are involved in her wedding next year. I have known her for 8 years now and trust her judgment implicitly. She still sometimes (paid of course) babysits for odd evenings for my primary school age DC and has on occasion asked if her fiancée can join for a film and takeout after the children have gone to sleep. It’s absolutely fine.

I wouldn’t have said yes without the many many years of getting to know her and the extremely high esteem I hold her in. My old au pair was so robust on this kind of thing that her boyfriend wasn’t even allowed to know our address. Which may be overkill but tbh I appreciated the consideration on her part.

Say no if you aren’t comfortable. At the end of the day, it’s paid work not a favour

From your OP it looks like your twins spent a few days with him when they went to the farm where your nanny was staying with him. I would have been more concerned about that then him being in your house for a few hours while she babysits.

edit - sorry just seen your post from 11:43, they just went for a few hours that day.

At age 16 and now I find it wet and cringey when people want the person they’re dating to join them while they do paid work.

Accepting the work is optional.

I can see very, very little need for you to react so strongly and speak to me so poorly. I’m not interested in having any type of conversation with someone so disregulated.

Nowhere do I say she ‘needs’ company. But she is a decent person, who the family is close to, it’s a boring job, a Saturday night and she doesn’t see her boyfriend as frequently as others get to.

No, that didn’t happen. It was a brief meeting on a day trip.

So she spends every Saturday night babysitting your children so you can go out with your DH?

What about her Saturday night with her bf? Maybe stay in or find alternative child care because that is to big and ask

What’s ’risk like this’ and how can it be quantified if my question.

None of those are good reasons to agree to her request.

Classic. No need to get involved if you can’t see the point.

No, she doesn’t. I haven’t said that anywhere.

I don’t know what ‘reasons’ you’re referring to here.

No, she doesn’t get to see him very often as he works away.

Who said she spends every Saturday night? It is an extra shift.
OP doesn't go out regularly.

you said ‘she is a decent person, who the family is close to, it’s a boring job, a Saturday night and she doesn’t see her boyfriend as frequently as others get to’

Not good reasons for her bf to join her at work. Especially when her work is looking after DC.