To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

Well yes it was poor of them but I would have just asked the staff for the vegetarian option. Certainly would not have sat with nothing.

That does seem incredibly selfish of them to not offer you the vegetarian alternative (which surely the restaurant must do).
Others may have preferred that too.

Next time ils visit serve up a strict vegan 5 course meal...

Invite them to yours for dinner next week and cook something really horrible really badly

I think you are a ‘fussy eater’ but that doesn’t make you a bad person! How awful that you couldn’t even have the side dishes. It does sound thoughtless of your in-laws, especially wrt your allergy. I guess they chose their favourite foods? I think I’d have asked the waiting staff to take your plate away & bring me something else, whatever they could, easily, but I can eat anything, even if I don’t like it, and do understand that when you can’t, it’s a sensitive subject and you don’t want to make a fuss.

The thread title says it all…..THEIR CHOICE
OK so you can’t eat the salmon
you could have had the main course & just left the meat…or do what I do with tomatoes-pass it onto your partners plate.
Why the fuss & entitlement?

Did you ask the restaurant staff if you could buy yourself a different meal? I know you said your PIL know your preferences/allergy, but with 20 guests maybe they just didn't think that deeply about every single person's dietary needs when deciding the menu?

It's not fussy to dislike lamb!

YABU

They can have what they want it wasn't your party

I also would have asked the staff. Restaurants are red hot on allergies these days. If you had asked i guarantee the staff would have bought you something else.

Youre not a child. Just ask.

Every restaurant I have been to in the last couple of years asks “any allergies”. It’s in their own interest to offer alternatives. If they are a large enough restaurant to have a private dining room that holds 20 they will have suitable food available.

I think it's odd that there was a set menu with no alternative and nobody asked ahead of time about allergies and dietary requirements.

However I doubt it was specifically aimed at you or that they considered your needs and just thought "she'll have to put up with it". It sounds like they just didn't think about it at all, for anybody. I wouldn't know the dietary requirements of 20 people, including in-laws, from memory. It's a big deal to you, but not to them. Where they've gone wrong is in not asking everybody to confirm allergies or dietary requirements.

Why didn't you ask the restaurant staff if you could have the vegetarian dish? Did nobody ask beforehand what they would be eating?

Did you speak to the staff? I probably wouldn't have said anything about the lamb as that's just personal preference but you can definitely ask for something else if you're allergic?

I would have asked, they’re serving an entire restaurant at the same time as that private room so they 100% could have provided alternatives - especially in case of allergies. I’d have quietly nipped to the bar/ grabbed the waiter/read to the side and asked for an alternative. You wouldn’t have been making a fuss as the alternative was that surely everyone was drawn to the fact you just ate dessert! That’s weirder than just asking for a new dish.

Manners really have gone out of the window haven’t they? What happened to being a good host? I would never assume to choose a three course meal for 20 people at a restaurant with no consideration for others’ allergies/food preferences as a host. It’s such bad manners. Even wedding invitations give you options.

That was pretty rubbish of them. Hopefully it wasnt deliberate or anything.

Next time they visit make sure you suit yourself. Serve what you want rather than what they like. I'd be done going the extra mile for people who serve something they know you are allergic to and the alternative being the one thing they know you don't like.

I’d have asked for the vegetarian option and if there was none I would have asked for a plate of veg and potatoes sans gravy. You needed to speak up but yes they were thoughtless.

You definitely should have asked for something else, the staff would have given it to you no problem at all. Even if it was a few extra pounds, you could have paid it yourself discreetly and dealt with it. I doubt they did it in purpose.

You ARE a fussy eater, so am I and it’s not my fault either. 😁

There is no point getting upset about it, just sort it out and get on with it.

My ILs chose a fish restaurant once, I don’t eat fish, but thought I’d order something else like chips or potatoes and vegetables, but there was nothing else on the menu, they didn’t even have bread! It was around Covid times so they actually had nothing except actual fish or fish dishes. Not even chips. We were away on holidays so I was able to keep busy with the children etc during the meal but nobody even noticed I didn’t eat anything and I got something on the way home from the restaurant. It was my issue.

I think it was bad form- hopefully just a genuine oversight on your ILs path.

I think you will know for next time to contact the restaurant perhaps though in advance. DH is vegetarian and DS1 has anaphylactic allergies, so I usually ask the host if they mind me checking with any restaurant re that... but I can see you would not expect the ONLY options to be what you cannot eat / stand! It would not really cross my mind that a restaurant meal was pre-set unless I had been told that specifically.

I am very surprised the restaurant didnt ask about allergies? Or show the menu as you say down
id of asked the staff for something else, as pp’s have said particularly as you have an allergy

You need to speak up. Most set menus like this will have a silent veg option. It costs more to provide choice, but alternatives will be available once you ask. If I'm at a restaurant having a set menu I'll always ask can I skip the fish course or substitute it. Or explain to the server you don't want any lamb. No pointing sitting with food in front of you that you won't eat

Lamb is really smelly, I’m not surprised it turned your stomach. I would never pick that for a big meal.

As pps said, why not speak up rather than sitting silent, resentful and hungry?

I'm vegetarian, and will always check ahead in this kind of situation. Sure, they were thoughtless, but this is also on you. Why travel 200 miles and sit there starving and resentful?

Did you ask the staff on the night? Or (which is actually what any reasonable person would do) check with the organisers or directly with the restaurant before? If it wasn’t possible within the set, you could have just had an a la carte option? Did you just sit waiting for the lamb to arrive?

YBU for not speaking up about your own dietary needs in advance (doesn’t matter if it’s a preference, allergy, or whatever - it’s your job to check and speak up)

The restaurant will have asked the people booking about allergies so it was up to the ILs to ask guests/provide the information. Having said that, in my experience they usually do verbally confirm the information they have to the table on the day too.

I don’t think you sound fussy and I certainly wouldn’t choose a set meal I knew someone in my close family couldn’t eat. With 20 people it’s probably easy to forget though - I can imagine it wasn’t done with any malice.