To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

I would have found it surprising that no one in such a large group is vegetarian, I’ve been vegetarian for 40 adult years so am confident is always asking ahead of a big planned event if there will be a vegetarian option available? I did it ahead of a very large function just this last weekend. Substitute food preference or allergy for vegetarian choice and just ask every time either the organiser or the venue.

I find it incredible to the point of unbelievable that none of the guests weee asked about dietary restrictions and allergies. That nobody was asked if they weee a vegetarian. Or if they had seafood allergies.

I'm surprised there wasn't a vegetarian option available. I'd be sad too.

I think they were thoughtless - DH loves lamb but when planning menus I always say lots of people don't eat lamb so we avoid it.

Aside form the fact they knew about your salmon allergy / dislike of Lamb it's pretty weird / unusual to pick a 3 course meal with no options for 20 people without checking with everyone first. I can understand why you were disappointed.

How many people were at the meal? Nowadays so many people are vegetarian, pescatarian, don’t eat red meat or vegan, I find I strange that everyone else ate the lamb. It was also pretty thoughtless of them to serve cheesecake, as many people are gluten or lactose intolerant.

It sounds like your in laws were thoughtless but I do think that anyone with allergies/dietary requirements/intense dislikes of certain foods needs to speak up for themselves. I agree with others that it's really odd for a venue not to check dietary requirements when catering for a large group.

If you live 200 miles away I guess you don’t eat as a family often - how sure are you they know you hate lamb? If it was my hubbys family event he would ask them to check I can eat something as I am a ceoliac.

Do the PIL have form for this kind of thing? Doing it once might be a sad oversight but I wonder if they plain don't like you and think picky eating is silly? I don't. I'd have eaten the starter but cannot even stand the smell of lamb.

I'd say nothing at all (no good will come of that) but next time they visit I would 100% serve something they hate/are allergic to.

It says in the OP which surely everyone reads even if they don't read the later posts from the OP, that everything that came with the main course was smothered in lamb gravy so she couldn't eat any of it.

It's hardly a fuss or entitlement to want to not be served the only two things that she cannot eat. It makes her in-laws very poor hosts. If there is only one option for the starter and main course, you make sure that what you serve can be eaten by everyone you have invited.

Anyone hosting an event like that should check dietary requirements. So basic.

And the restaurant should check when you sit down.

Did you "not want to make a fuss"? Because you should have said something to the staff, it's a restaurant, they can easily provide something else.

@Shardlake63 I do wonder, how is your relationship with them in general?

On the face of it, it looks somewhat passive aggressive, IF it's not good.

When inviting my closest relatives to such a special event, I would, personally, consider all possible meal preferences before booking.

Why couldn’t you have said to the waiting staff on arrival that you’re vegetarian? I planned a big dinner for 30+ people this week. I had to put in pre orders but they still checked dietary requirements with each guest. At the very least they should check for allergies?! We had one too many vegetarians and the restaurant were very accommodating. You shouldn’t have been a martyr about it even though your ILs should have checked with people too.

It’s mad and quite dangerous to not check on allergies before serving a set meal.

I don’t think you’re fussy. Being allergic to something isn’t being fussy. And you don’t like one thing out of hundreds which is lamb, the one meat they decided to go for. I also hate lamb. I eat any other meat but find lamb revolting.

it’s very strange they didn’t ask if anyone wanted the veggie option, I would be put out by that.

My MIL, who is lovely and to whom I do not ascribe any negative intentions here, ALWAYS forgets my food preferences. I hate creme eggs; she gets me one every year. Her beloved son hates Thorntons chocolate and for some reason she still buys them for him. I think she herself likes them and just forgets that others don't! So it might not be inconsiderate, it might just be the self-centredness of advancing age.

I'd try to assume the least worse of them, that they simply forgot, but I would probably still feel a bit hurt. It's not unreasonable to expect ILs you've known for decades to remember something like that, and the whole setup sounds rather odd. Salmon and lamb aren't the best choices, if they wanted something nearly everyone would enjoy. I understand not wanting to appear rude by speaking to the servers about an alternative, though that probably would've been better than missing almost the entire meal.

Well, it was thoughtless of them. However as soon as I knew what the main was I would have spoken to a member of staff and asked if there was anything they could provide for me to eat.
Having said that, I always ask what the menu is before confirming I'm going if I'm invited out for a set menu.

Yes it was a bit thoughtless. But why on earth would you just sit there and say nothing? Even asking for a new plate of just the sides without lamb/gravy would have been better than silent stewing and hunger.

If you aren’t prepared to advocate for yourself in such circumstances, is it any wonder that people forget your dietary preferences?

But it wasn't your evening. They were thoughtless indeed but you could have mitigated this.

It's a bit annoying yeah but sounds like they were just a bit thoughtless rather than particularly hostile. Planning something like that for 20 odd people can be pretty stressful and i don't think it's beyond the stretches of reality to accidentally forget what every person does and doesn't like. Tbh if I had allergies and was a bit if a fussy eater I'd have checked what was the menu so I could have made arrangements with the restaurant for food I could eat.

Unless there's some back story where they do this often I'd chalk it up to experience and move on.

You don’t sound fussy. But a set menu is never going to please everyone. Salmon is a genuine allergy and therefore you should have reminded them when you accepted the invite rather than relying on them to remember. DH has a shellfish allergy and every invite he accepts he always tells the host even if they’ve been told before just in case. Lamb is just bad luck, whatever they served chances are that 1 of the 20 wouldn’t have liked it. Unfortunately it was you. But I don’t understand why you sat there until pudding not eating. It sounds like the venue was a restaurant open to the public and serving others diners to order so why didn’t you just ask the staff to order a veggie option off the main menu and pay for it yourself?

I would imagine that the restaurant asked the hosts if any of their guests had allergies.

Bit crap, weirdly awful hosting. Unless you think it was deliberate I would probably just let it slide and be more conscious of checking ahead in the future.

Could you not have quietly gone and asked the restaurant staff for an alternative and offered to pay yourself? Did you just sit there with the food in front of you.

Bizarre all round (not you Op) to even arrange a meal with the same set menu for everyone. Even set menus usually have a few different choices/alternatives. I don't eat smoked salmon or lamb either. Not eating 2 things does make someone a fussy eater.

Also very poor service from the restaurant to not notice you weren't eating, or ask about allergies etc.